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When you aren’t chosen

Our profile has just been shown to an expectant family, but we weren’t chosen. We’re happy that she found the right family, but can’t help feeling a little sad. Any tips for coping with the feelings of disappointment when you aren’t chosen?


Oh man, we have been shown and not picked so. many. times. Two years of waiting (with two failed matches). I don’t know if you believe in God or fate or whatever, but thinking “that was not the child meant for my family” has become a helpful mantra. There have definitely been times where it really stung though. I can think of two instances where we really felt like we were an awesome fit, and weren’t picked. I know that one of those chose to parent, and I have reason to believe the other also chose to parent. So, you never know. After we learned those didn’t end in an adoption plan, we felt relieved that we didn’t have to go through that heartache again. Hang in there. If you get several rejections, it is always worth checking in with your agency to see if they think there is any reason for not getting picked. Maybe something in your profile comes across wrong, or the rejections had absolutely nothing to do with you (one time we were told she was looking for a family that already had children. Nothing we can do about that!). We’ve been told we are continually “runners-up,” which is a bit frustrating, but at least our profile is appealing… It’s a wild ride.

Posted by MPetru on Dec 10, 2018 at 11:31pm

I’ve adopted twice through foster care, and am trying to adopt again. both my girls were legally free children who I found on online photolistings. I have probably inquired on about 100 kids between the 3 adoptions. most of the time I never hear anything back at all, but time and time again I’ve been told they chose another family. The first time was definitely the worst, I was so convinced they were going to pick me, it was such a let down when they chose another family. that was a hard lesson learned, but it was definitely easier the subsequent times. Now I look at my daughter and think back to that first little girl, and am so unbelievably gratefult hey didn’t choose me. If they had chosen me for that other child, I wouldn’t have been given the oportunity to raise the daughter that I have, and I just cannot imagine a world where I wasn’t her mom. It is hard now, but one day you will hold your child, and you will be grateful that you were blessed with that specific child and not any of the ones who might have come before!

Posted by rn4kidz on Dec 11, 2018 at 1:31am

We were not chosen many many times. Our profile book would go out to 5-15 expectant moms sometimes and we weren’t chosen more times than I can count. But all that matters is that moment when you are. It stings when you’re not but just remember eventually you WILL be chosen and hopefully when you are it all works out wonderfully.

I truly believe that my daughter is my daughter because she and I were destined for one another. I have heard the same from so many others who have adopted. Just know that it might not be this time or next or the next, but that’s because it has to be right.

Posted by KChiarilli on Dec 11, 2018 at 2:30am

I agree with KChiarilli completely.
I know it is so hard in that moment and we went through it a number of times too. I thought of all the reasons we probably weren’t chosen.
Then we were chosen and all the reasons that I thought   we weren’t getting chosen were the exact reasons that our son’s birthmother chose us and we even had wonderful discussions about some of them in the hospital.
When it is the right situation, it will just feel so right and it will be amazing that the birth parent(s) chose you because of every wonderful thing that you are. It will all make sense and feel meant to be. These situations were not that, not yet.

Posted by LiLO on Dec 11, 2018 at 6:00am

I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences and perspectives. Hearing them has been so helpful.

Posted by teamsweetbean on Dec 17, 2018 at 4:29am

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