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Bio-mom files to stop adoption


So, I’m looking for support or advise on our situation, my niece became pregnant with her 5th child and inquired about an abortion to where as she went to 1 of the 2 appointments.  When we found out we offered to adopt the baby because not only is she our niece we have had 7 failed attempts at a fertility clinic.  Where as we had come to the conclusion we wouldn’t have a baby together so when she told us and we offered the very next day her boyfriend and her came over and asked if we were serious.  We of course said yes and she said she wanted to do this for us because she knew everything we had been thru and she could not physically, financially, or emotionally raise a 5th child at the age of 24.  All thru the pregnancy we asked over and over again if she was sure and she said yes.  She even told the lawyer she only wanted to sign paperwork one time and not have to go to court or anything for him to do whatever he had to do to do this he did.  Paperwork was signed and notarized by both mother and father.  Baby was born paperwork for permanent guardianship was filed and signed by judge.  Lawyer was trying to push paperwork thru as fast as possible but when the baby was 8 days old she files paperwork to petition the court to terminate guardianship and stop the adoption.  We of course are gonna fight but do you think we can win??

Replies

Posted by Ksmith6783 on Dec 22, 2019 at 5:07pm

honestly after just 8 days i dont think you should fight it.I know it is very painful for your family, but it is in fact her baby until those adoption papers are finalized, and she has the right to change her mind.. You have no chance of winning and will waste thousands of dollars on an unwinnable battle and drag things out so that the separation will be harder on the baby at then end. Much better for the child to go back now than months down the road once shes bonded with you.

Posted by rn4kidz on Dec 22, 2019 at 8:41pm

I have to agree with the above. I know it hurts so much but you don’t want to have to explain to the child later in life that their mom wanted them back and you wouldn’t let her. Not unless it was for their safety. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is for you and your husband.

Posted by KChiarilli on Dec 22, 2019 at 10:26pm

Once again I understand what you both are saying but like I said in the above she was on her way for an abortion until she talked to us and told us “she wanted to do this for us”. She asked us time and time again that we were still adopting because she couldn’t physically l, mentally, or financially take care of a 5th.  She lives with her boyfriends mom and the 2 of them and 4 kids (6 and under) sleep in the same room.

Posted by Ksmith6783 on Dec 23, 2019 at 2:04am

It doesn’t matter where they live, both parents would have to agree to terminate their rights and they are not going to, so the others are right. You can’t win and you will just lose a lot of money and make things worse for the baby if you try to fight it. Plus I can’t imagine what such a fight would do to the other children and all the relatives in your mutual family.
It’s disappointing, but many women consider abortion and go on to give birth instead, and the fact that they considered abortion doesn’t mean they don’t love the children they do give birth to. Too late now, of course, but I wish you all had had proper counseling so you would realize that how a woman feels about her child after giving birth can change from what she thought she would feel during her pregnancy. And to separate your infertility issues from adoption. No matter how a woman thinks she will feel about the child during her pregnancy, it is her right to change her mind before the papers are signed.

Posted by NoraT on Dec 23, 2019 at 3:39am

It doesn’t matter where they live, both parents would have to agree to terminate their rights and they are not going to, so the others are right. You can’t win and you will just lose a lot of money and make things worse for the baby if you try to fight it. Plus I can’t imagine what such a fight would do to the other children and all the relatives in your mutual family.
It’s disappointing, but many women, including affluent married women, consider abortion and go on to give birth instead, and the fact that they considered abortion doesn’t mean they don’t love the children they do give birth to. Too late now, of course, but I wish you all had had proper counseling so you would realize that how a woman feels about her child after giving birth can change from what she thought she would feel during her pregnancy. And to separate your infertility issues from adoption. No matter how a woman thinks she will feel about the child during her pregnancy, it is her right to change her mind before the papers are signed.

Posted by NoraT on Dec 23, 2019 at 3:39am

I hate to say it, but I agree with everyone else as well. I wouldn’t fight it and give the baby back, nothing is final until rights are terminated and the baby has been adopted. I think we all can agree how hard it will be for you to give the baby back, but you are going to fight a battle you ultimately can not win no matter how much love and adore this baby. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Posted by FinallyMama on Dec 23, 2019 at 2:07pm

I agree.The child is the bio families unless and until they make a choice otherwise. Do not fight - it is unethical. It’s also not a fight you will win and it will just make a hard situation much worse for this family at everyone’s expense, including the child’s.

It’s possible that DCF might take the kid away if they deem the living situation unhealthy for the child. But unlikely, and ethically it would be more humane if you would do whatever you could to help the parents get any available state subsidies to help improve their living situation. Even if they did take the child away the parent’s would have years of hearings and chances to improve and regain the child while the child lived in a temporary home.

Much more I’d suggest that once you are over your grief, you look into adopting a child that is legally free and in need of a family. Good luck.

Posted by Happy Camper on Dec 29, 2019 at 6:38am
Posted by Happy Camper on Dec 29, 2019 at 6:38am

“Lawyer was trying to push paperwork thru as fast as possible”

Please look into your heart for the ethical implications of this.

Posted by NoraT on Dec 31, 2019 at 6:49am

ksmith6783,

You know also, you are extended family. So if you care for this child, have a good connection with your niece, and do the right thing to give the baby back; though you won’t be his or her parent, you are quite likely to be able to maintain a relationship with this child over the child’s lifetime. Some people who are fostering children that ultimately go back to their bio parents years later have been able to maintain a close relationship with the child, it’s certainly much easier and more likely in your situation of actually being extended family.

Posted by Happy Camper on Jan 01, 2020 at 3:59pm

This situation is so heartbreaking for everyone involved.  The question you asked was “do you think we can win?” 

Multiple people on this site have already told you the answer is no.  Unless this family is clearly abusive or unsafe a judge is going to side with the bio-parents.  I know this is difficult for you, because you have been assuming you will be the adoptive parents based on multiple conversations.  You were not trying to steal a baby, I do not believe you are unethical.  However, the bio parents have now changed their minds, which they have every right to do.  It doesn’t matter what they said before.  The situation is changed, and you have to accept that.

You need to walk away from this situation.  You need to tell your niece that you are supportive of her raising this baby, and then you need to grieve away from anyone in your extended family.  Do not talk or vent or try to explain anything to family members.  Find another support system, even if it means going to a professional counselor.  People in the family will want to take sides; do not let them. 

You thought you were going to be a parent and now you are not.  It is heartbreaking, and you need to grieve.

Posted by jszmom on Jan 03, 2020 at 5:22pm

I know this never gets a good reception, but I really wish people who want to adopt, especially under circumstances where they are gearing up for a fight, would spend some time on the adoptee thread here (if it’s even still active) or others on the internet. Even the most loving people who adopted ethically really don’t know what adoptees really feel (maybe most especially if they love their APs, and not saying all adoptees feel one way or another) or say to one another (just as I read these posts to know what HAP’s, APs say to one another).
We are people who just like other people want our own families, even if sometimes we can’t have them. We aren’t commodities to be tossed around because infertile people want their own babies, or because our own parents are fallible (I could add another F-up word if allowed) and have problems.
In regard to this OP, think about how a child would feel growing up in a family where you were not only the only child not kept, but that was because even though your parents wanted you someone—in your own family yet—had the resources to make sure you weren’t kept.
I expect to get maybe the usual responses to an adoptee or FFY—“not all,” “sorry you are so bitter”—but please, please please think about the child you are talking about, who will God willing grow up, when you make these kinds of decisions.”
And thanks to Happy Camper and all of the adoptive parents who responded with humanity and concern about the parents, the siblings, and most of all the child in question.

Posted by NoraT on Jan 03, 2020 at 9:22pm

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