Have you read the Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier yet?
If you have not I highly recommend it.

Oh- and as I tell any expectant mother… get your rest now… you will never have it again.

Save every bit of information on her family you can get your hands on as she will want it when she is older. If you can actually maintain some sort of relationship with them that would be even better.

Always be honest - age-appropriately - as to how she came to be your daughter. Never badmouth her family, even if they are a nightmare. Anything bad you say will be internalized by the child as there being something wrong with HER, as she is related to those people.

Remember to always put the child’s needs first - that sounds like a no-brainer but you’d be amazed at how many of us adoptees are expected to take care of our adoptive mothers.

Strive to love her unconditionally. From what I’ve observed, this may be harder for an adoptive parent to do than for a biological parent. Many adoptive parents have had years of fantasy children in their heads and the real flesh-and-blood child can rarely measure up to that. Allow her to be just who she is and love her for that. Let her know its ok and normal to make mistakes, not be perfect, and you love her anyway. Accept that she may be a VERY different person from who you are.

The “Primal Wound” is a good book to read to get an insight over what additional issues adoptees may have. Try not to take things personally and just be there for her. There are, of course, individual differences as to how this will affect an adoptee. So prepare for the worst, just in case. If you always keep her needs first she may be one of the luckier ones in terms of how she processes it all.

Hi!  I think Beth gave such good information, and have a couple of things that I would llike to add to what she already said (and I think you also understand a lot and have things to add from what you experienced in your childhood).  I think that it is good for each of us as adoptive parents to think about how we can help our children as you are doing,  whether we are adoptees or have experienced being in foster care as you did (and are similar to an adoptee).  These are a few of my thoughts to add to what was said…

As you share things with your daughter about her adoption, birth family, and the circumstances that led to her being placed in foster care…always be honest (so that builds a trusting relationship between the two of you), using language and sharing at a level that is appropriate for her age (as Beth mentioned).  Share difficult details gently and age appropriately also, telling more and more as she grows up so that she knows all the details by the time she is 17-18 years old.  Only say what you really know about her birthparents and things that happened…don’t guess what you think might have been wrong with them or why they did things, such as saying maybe they were mentally ill or wild, etc.  I would explain negative/difficult things gently and in terms of behavior if you can…such as the birthparents had “problems, made mistakes, or poor choices/decisions” (rather than personality traits, which can be inherited and could make your child feel like she might be like them).  Behavior is something that each individual is responsible for and is not inherited, and this will help your child to see things in terms of people being responsible for their own choices which is healthy.
 
It is beneficial for adoptive parents to learn about the different things that adoptees may go through and how to talk with your child about adoption related things as you are doing, but also keep in mind that each adoptee is different, and your child may think/feel differently than most adoptees do.  Also your child may process/feel differently about adoption at different points in her life (I did), and so allow for these possible changes in how she thinks/feels.  Also if she has experienced things that may be similar to what you’ve experienced in foster care (or before), allow that she may think/feel differently than you do about them, as each individual is different.  Just being there for her and loving her unconditionally as Beth shared is good, and will be a blessing to her.

Hugs,
Kris