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tween-teen siblings texting q

Our 12 yo dd has 10 and 14 yo bio sibs.  We have an open adoption.  My 12 yo and her older sister recently started texting.  My dd came to me and told me the sis said she and her boyfriend are having sex.  She had a pg scare.  She is much much more “mature” than dd and if it weren’t her bio sib, I would prob tell dd no contact.  I suppose I could allow it only if I monitored it…Should I do that?  Also, bps apparently don’t know about the sex or pg scare…my dd told me in confidence…but do I have some obligation to tell?  I don’t think so but I am kind of worried about dd’s older sis.


Wow, that’s a hard one. I think it first depends on how close you are with her birth mom. If you guys are close than I might feel an obligation to tell her what is going on. As a parent I would want to know. But if you’re not close and are worried it will create a problem then maybe reach out to her bio sister and explain that you would prefer she not talk about sex with your daughter. That you want them to have a close relationship but she is too young to be discussing things like that.

Posted by KChiarilli on Aug 17, 2017 at 8:49pm

thanks for your response.  I am “friends” with dd’s bmom but not terribly close.  i would feel uncomfortable texting the sis directly.  ugh!!  complicated!

Posted by mamallama on Aug 17, 2017 at 8:57pm

What is important is the child. She could get pregnant or get a disease which kills her. When a child is in danger the parent needs to know.

Tell your daughter there are secrets that are not OK to keep like when a friend is in danger (using drugs, unprotected sex, abuse etc.)

Close or not I say tell.

Posted by Regina on Aug 17, 2017 at 9:21pm

Yah, that’s a hard one. I do agree that the 14 year old is much too young and might end up in a situation where she’s pregnant or gets an STD. I hate the idea of you straining her relationship with her sibling but at the same time she sounds like a bad influence at a time when she is most impressionable. I understand that teenagers talk about sex and they definitely know more earlier on than I ever did at 12 or 14. However, that doesn’t mean we just accept it and I don’t think we should go to the other extreme of completely sheltering.

Maybe tell your daughter the dangers of what she is doing. There are secrets you keep but then there are secrets that you shouldn’t keep. This is one that you feel as a parent you need to inform her mom before something bad happens. At the very least this young girl needs to understand the seriousness of protected sex. I wish you luck. I have a daughter and know one day I’m going to be hit with these hard decisions. I don’t look forward to it.

Posted by KChiarilli on Aug 17, 2017 at 9:41pm

ty Regina and kchiarilli….

Posted by mamallama on Aug 17, 2017 at 10:07pm

ty Regina and kchiarilli….

Posted by mamallama on Aug 17, 2017 at 10:07pm

This is really hard and I wish I had some good advice, but I don’t. I agree that your daughter should know that some secrets you don’t keep. But maybe the girl has a good reason—or one that seems good to her—not to tell her parents what she is doing. Most who feel like they can, do.
Not telling can leave you feeling guilty but telling could open up a whole can or worms that you don’t know about.
ITs great that you have such good communication with your own daughter and maybe she could caution her sister and maybe point her to a PP (if any exist anymore) or other educational program where she can learn about the dangers she is getting herself into.
Wish I could wave a magic wand; I’m sending good vibes your way, for what that’s worth.

Posted by Maryam on Aug 18, 2017 at 11:03pm

Hi mamalama I would say the contact you want and whether to pass on the info are two different things. About whether to tell or not, do what you’d wish someone else would do if it was your daughter with some qualifications….

I’ve been in a situation similar where I didn’t pass on info because the child came to me for help in what could have been a dangerous situation, and I felt he would not be able to do that again if I broke his confidence. His mom was there, should have known and he did not feel he could go to her.

But in your situation I would likely tell the A mom because of your concern for her, and the repercussions for the child of continuing as she is, unless you have reason to believe the child could be hurt (i.e. the A parents are violent).

I would also use it as a way to start discussion with your daughter. It seems she trusts you and therefore you might ask her what she thinks about it. What she said to her sister? And explain the problems with being pregnant at her age. It may be that your daughter told you because she is hoping you’ll tell or help.

My teenage daughter often comes to me and asks me not to tell. There are a few times I don’t (when it is something she feels private about that is not my business to tell, or if it is an opinion that will hurt someone and there is no reason to pass anything on). But many times I do, either saying that she needs to trust me to know when it’s best tol share info.  I always tell .when it is a problem that needs to be resolved and my daughter is being hurt (for example being bullied).

I’ve also had someone tell my daughter that it is not healthy for children to keep secrets for adults nor for them to ask adults to keep secrets for them. I, was very glad the person put their foot down and did tell me that my dd was secretly given a cell phone by an adult at her school.

Hope that was helpful!

Posted by Happy Camper on Aug 18, 2017 at 11:43pm
Posted by Happy Camper on Aug 18, 2017 at 11:43pm

Happy Camper, I see where you are coming from and totally agree about the talk with your own daughter. Plus keeping secrets is difficult.
But passing them on to parents you don’t know can also be. Spoken from experience.

Posted by Maryam on Aug 18, 2017 at 11:45pm

It is true what you say Maryam. A judgment call..mamalama did say she was friendly with the mother, so hopefully she can make that judgment, though it’s not easy.

Another problem with keeping secrets is that an adopted child, especially if adopted when older, or one who has lived with abusive parents or orphanges has probably/possibly been told to keep secrets that are harmful to them.

If the child has any kind of difficulty with attachment he/she will not have a healthy sense of boundaries, nor will he/she know that they can trust a caring mom with info like being pregnant. It helps to have another caring adult clarify for them how a healthy family functions.

Posted by Happy Camper on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:03am
Posted by Happy Camper on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:04am

Yup, it’s a rough call.

Posted by Maryam on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:14am

in this case, I am the amom to my 12 yo.  it is her older bio sister I am talking about.  my dd is very open with me.  she said she told her bio sis she should be using condoms.

Posted by mamallama on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:18am

You are a great mom and your daughter is great, too. I hope this works out for the best for the older girl as well.

Posted by Maryam on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:35am

thx maryam.  it doesn’t feel that way with a tween dd many times!

Posted by mamallama on Aug 19, 2017 at 12:44am

Wow!  A 12 yo talking about condoms.  My how times have changed.

It is so great how open you and your daughter are. 

I was wondering if your daughter could encourage her sister to tell BM.  This is a big secret for your daughter to keep and I guess her sister told her because she needed someone to talk to, but she really shouldn’t have laid something this heavy on a 12 yo. 

What is your daughter’s relationship like with her BM?  I guess if she told, her relationship with her sister would suffer. 

I do think that some of the stuff the sister is discussing with your daughter is not really age-appropriate, but good that your daughter is talking to you about it.

Do you monitor her texts?

Posted by moposh on Sep 01, 2017 at 1:45pm

OK, semi distraction.

What does dd stand for?

Posted by Bob Klahn on Sep 01, 2017 at 6:09pm

sorry I didnt respond.  Bob, dd is Internet abbreviation for “darling daughter.”

a good update.  I don’t know how it came to light but dd’s bmom put dd’s sister on birth control.  so hopefully no more pregnancy scares.  dd and her sister still text occasionally.  my dd now has a “boyfriend” herself but is never alone with him…we and his parents will take the kids on little outings, etc.  ay caramba.

thanks for all the advice!

Posted by mamallama on Mar 01, 2018 at 4:43pm

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