As you get to know each other better, both of you will get a better feeling on how open you want things to be.  I kind of compare it to dating.  The first date is a little uncomfortable as you are just getting to know each other.  As you get to know one another better, you may both feel more comfortable with more openess or maybe less.  Like any others, these relationships develop over time and can’t be labeled or rushed.  Hopefully, J will remain in your lives and become an important member of your family.  Only time will tell.  Congratulations!

Do what you feel is best.  Make sure you keep boundaries. We didn’t and our birthmom wanted letters and pictures. We ended up being her support system. It was especially difficult because she did drugs unknown to us. She always wanted reassurance that we would still want our son. It was extremely frustrating it was because of the drugs.She ended up wanting more than she agreed to and became very demanding and wanted all the attention. Even after the waiting period was over she was trying to control everything.

Best of luck

I think openness is usually best for the adopted child in the long run and can also make it easier on the emom/birth mom. It is nice if it can be ever evolving and not so defined becuase one or both of you may change your minds or adjust frequency throughout. For example our childrens birth mother visisted a lot the first few months becuase it was such a hard time, now we just try and get together about once a month and it is very casual… like hey I am going to be by the mall today at noon, do you guys want to meat up and it works about about 50/50… in time our reltionship with them is similar to a cousin relationship. There are sometimes it is hard when the birth mothers are struggeling or depressed, but it passes… spening a lot of time together before the birth solidifies the relationship, makes it so they are very comfortable palcing becuase of trust and makes it easy to hang out after. I know there are circumstances where openess is not positve or helpful, but if it can be… great… go for it…

Our son’s BM’s main concern was that our son would hate her for placing him as he gets older. Our first conversation was more me telling her about our agency. We weren’t really looking to adopt again. My cousin worked with someone who asked if we could help. After speaking with her the first time, the agency called us 1 week later saying she wanted us to adopt her son. Throughout the process, she voiced her concerns several times about making sure he would not hate her. She was comforted by the fact that we already had 2 adopted children and we discussed how open we are with our girls about their adoptions.
I think the most important thing is to have open conversations. Ask her how she feels and tell her your main concern right now is what she feels most comfortable with. If there are specific things you want out of the relationship, don’t be afraid to ask or tell her. She will be a lot more comfortable if she feels that you are being open and honest. You also need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you will be comfortable with. It is okay for you to look out for yourself and your family’s needs also. I liked the analogy that the relationship is like dating. The more you get to know each other, the more comfortable you both will feel.

Sounds like J has a full plate to begin with.  It might make her feel easier if you told her exactly what you were feeling and thinking.  Just as you have told us. 
Sounds like you have thought about this long and hard and have a good heart.  She’ll hear that if you just tell her. 
We were separated by 8 states from out BM so we couldn’t visit prior to our son’s birth.  But we spoke often on the phone, primarily after her doctor’s appointments, and she sent us pictures from the ultrasounds.  She wanted to make it as much our pregnancy as it was hers.  Very thoughtful.  She also asked if we wanted to be in the room when she delivered, which floored me, but I was hoping she would ask.  So we were there before he was born, while he was born, and don’t plan on ever leaving him.  My husband even cut the cord. 
One thing that we decided to do was to store the baby’s cord blood.  We also explained to our BM that if God forbid something happened medically to her daughter, that this baby’s cord blood could potentially help her as there is a genetic link.  In my eyes, that would be the greatest gift to be able to give. 
As far as openness goes, just remember that you can’t go back.  J will probably be agreeable with starting slow—pictures and updates.  Then as the years go on, phone calls and/or visits.  If you are both on the same page.  Honestly, we were in contact by phone with our BM probably twice a month in the first year.  This has tapered off significantly and it’s because she is comfortable with how our son is doing.  But we do still send updates and pictures a few times a year.