first phone call and thoughts on openness

So yesterday we had our first phone call with J, the expectant mother that chose us. It went ok.  I say ok, because I think it went well, but I’m too terrified to get let myself get too excited.  J seems like a warm and caring mother.  She is well spoken, sounds very geniune and has maturity. I have been thinking a bit about J and our call with her and openness.  What J is asking for, pictures and updates, is exactly where we started at.  On the phone she had mentioned/asked about how involved we wanted to be in the pregnancy.  I don’t think she really got a clear answer…probably because it is not something we really gave a lot of thought to.  The more I read and learn about adoption, and as previous situations came up where expeactant mothers were wanting more openness, we had began to open ourselves to being more open. (that’s a lot of use of the word open)  But that was driven more by the expectant mother and not us.  Honestly I am not sure what I want if it were all my decision (which I know it is not my decision) with no one else to consider. 
I feel like J would be about as open as we would ask, but I also worry that it would be for the wrong reasons… I feel like she’d do as much as we ask of her out of fear we’d change our minds rather than out of what she wants and feels would be best for her.  Repeated our agency has told us that she often expresses fear that we will change our minds about the adoption….and they repeated reassure her that that won’t happen.
As far as being involved with the pregnancy, I see it as J’s pregnancy.  She needs to do what is best for her.  I never really imagined that I or we would be going to Dr’s appointments or really involved much at all during pregnancy.  I have no expectations for the hospital…I want her to do what is right for her and her children and not to worry about how we feel about it.  Her health, both physical and mental, comes first.  And also the baby’s needs and the needs of her other children.  We’re at the bottom of the list of people to be concerned about.
DH and I have each other and a huge support system, we’ll be able to roll with whatever punches come our way.  It seems like J does not have that kind of support, so we want to be sure that we do not add any pressure to her life.  I want her needs to drive the relationship, not our selfish desires. 
If I alone were left to decide everything, I think this is what I would want:
I think I might want to meet J at least once during the pregnancy well before the birth, but this is not something I would push for.  I really feel strongly about honoring J’s feelings and needs.  I would hope that the meeting could include our household…DH, DD, and possibly MIL.  I would hope that seeing our family would give her comfort in her decision. I would be open to visiting her more during the pregnancy if that would be something she wanted or needed. 

As for the hospital, I would like for us to be able to be at the hospital during the birth, even if J would prefer not to see us or talk to us…even if she would choose not to let us see or hold the baby until placement.  From that minimum, we would want her to decide how we would all interact at the hospital.  I would also be open to being much more involved at the hospital…but only to the point she is comfortable with it.

For those who chose to make an adoption plan have you or do you ever ever worried that the adoptive parents would change their minds?  Did the adoptive parents thoughts and feelings drive any of your decisions?

I’m feeling that J is comfortable with a semi-open adoption… but I wonder what she would want if it were only herself to worry about?  Would being too open be hard for her, or would she like to be more open but is afraid to ask? 
I also worry that and do not want her to take our lack of involvement as that we don’t care or have waivered in our desire to adopt her child.  Honestly we just want to do what is best for her.  Thoughts anyone?