Yes, I too get that.  I have stopped sharing updates with those who already knew of this passion of mine.  What I have done instead is reach out and find a meetup group of adoptive families near me who I now do social stuff with - and they TOTALLY get it!

I don’t have any advice, but I can certainly relate. I sent my adoption news via email to the majority of my friends/family, but made phone calls to my close family and “special” friends. When I told one particular “special” friend (who was single and childless at the time), she was very dismissive and rude. Like what was I thinking about. Her response made me wish I’d just emailed her. She also missed my baby shower and claimed that I should have reminded her. Anyway, a couple years later at age 39, she “accidentally” got pregant with her first child. When she told me about her baby shower, she wanted me to cancel the plans I already had to attend. Not! I was very hurt and put off by her treating my motherhood journey as if it were not important, then wanting the gates of heaven to open for hers. Unfortunately, we did not talk for years over this. She recently friended me on FB, but we’ve not conversed any more than a “like” here and there on each other’s pages.

I also had another single friend who was in my adoption class who turned on me. I started getting calls for placements a couple months after being approved, but he heard nothing. I kept encouraging him to keep the faith and that everything would work out. Well, when I got “the” call, I immediately called my fellow hopeful. He was so rude to me! He said, well what are you going to do for daycare when you go back to work next week? He’s a successful entrepreneur and I’m a teacher, so he made more money than me. His comment was his way of criticizing me and insinuating that I wouldn’t be able to take as much time off with the baby and he would.

People are something, I tell you. Just be strong and secure in the fact that you are doing what’s in your heart.

It sure does! I thought it was because of adopting, and being older… but I am also single. I suspect straight couples adopting may get less of this unsolicited advice. Fortunately for me my closest friends are not so likely to pontificate on how I should lead my life. They tend to be good listeners and when they do suggest something it is often helpful advice.  They have also been wonderfully supportive of me in my adoption path even at the beginning when I was questioning myself.

Those who were more likely to be negative or give unwelcome and unsolicited advice (when I told them my plans) tended to be friends I knew less well. In most cases these people had problems with their own kids, had no experience parenting before they became one, or were childless. For me the comments that irritated the hell out of me were the ones which assumed I had given no thought to the matter. Most of these folks I either cut off contact, or continue the friendship but don’t share anything further related to the adoption. A couple busybodies have come around and are now supportive after seeing all I have gone thru so far.

With extended family, I made the decision to not tell anyone in the beginning. I am sure most will actually support and be happy for me, but I wanted to be sure I was making decisions right for me and the children I would adopt, not anyone else. I am glad I did this, though I am really looking forward to sharing the good news soon.

After I had almost stopped talking about this to anyone except a few close friends, I started on whims sharing what was going on with strangers, or friends I really did not know well… most times these folks have been wonderfully supportive (many even having adopted themselves). Go figure. Maybe this is kind of like ski bums support group.  (Which sounds wonderful.. but doesn’t seem to be available to me.)

I think my own confidence and knowledge is so much more now that I don’t give those who start to tell me what to do the time of day. If people talk about their own experience I listen, but if its just unsolicited directives about what I “should do”, I am more likely to either cut the person off or turn the unwanted advice right back on the person offering it. “You think I shouldn’t adopt children, are you sorry you had yours?“or “You think adoption by this other route is the way for me…why don’t you yourself adopt that way.” You’d be surprised how fast this shuts them up! (While making them think about their words.)

It can be ahrd to remember when you get recieving a barrage of questions that the comments of others are about THEM not you.  While you are speaking they are mentally thinking “I could never do that” so out spills some intrusive “advice”.  Do you research and proceed with what feels right for you.

I think YokoMama is probably right!  I was surprised at how many wierd ideas people have about the adoption process.

People that aren’t interested or educated on adoption have LOTS of questions.  If these people will be in your child’s life, then it might be helpful to educate them along the way.

My husband and I chose NOT to share the details of our adoption choices with “friends and family”.  There were less than 5 people in our lives that we gave any level of details throughout our home-study, waiting, waiting and matched, etc processes.  These people were respectful, considerate and know us very well. They are supportive and insightful people.  While our “friends and family” knew we were planning a family, and I’m sure that many have genuine concern for us, we didn’t feel an obligation to give details.

Our son was born 2 years ago, and adoption finalized 3 months later.  There are (and will continue to be) details about his adoption story that are no-body’s business.  We’ve come up with a few nice but firm ways to discourage people asking questions that are inappropriate - and redirecting the conversation to “educating them”.

Best wishes,
Jennifer

I think you and several other commenters are right—it’s likely about 1.) you being single and 2.) their own fears when they think about being in your shoes.

I am married, and we did get a few questions from people about whether we were worried about our daughter being “damaged” from orphanage life.  And now that we’re adopting again, we have one relative who is very fearful for us—she sees how wonderfully our daughter is doing, and is sort of superstitious about us having “good luck” again.  (!)

But a friend of mine who adopted as a single woman heard LOTS of comments like you’re hearing.  Many people were not supportive, and it was very painful for her.  Also, because she was only 28 when she started the adoption, a lot of people asked her if she thought men wouldn’t be interested in her anymore, or want to marry her and “have to father someone else’s child.”  Wow.  She just latched on to the supportive people, especially other adoptive parents who understood.

I hope you find many people who are supportive—especially for those first months of adjusting to parenthood and your child’s needs.  All parents need a supportive circle around them at that time!  God bless you as you continue on this path!

My husband and I just started the adoption process.  We are getting the comments too. It is odd that the people I thought might have something to comment on are thrilled for us. The people I thought would support us have negative comments. Example: my mother is total against us adopting. She thinks that we will adopt a criminal if we go through the foster system. I’ve also heard….“you two wait…your entire lives will change”. Usually those are the people with 2 or more kids. If they are complaining that their entire lives changed for the worst why have kid 2 and kid 3. We know our lives will change but we are looking forward to it! Ok…off my soap box.

Yes, I’ve had this happen to me. Like some others here I’m single and I think that adds to it. I’ve told very few people as a results and I keep details to an absolute minimum. I think that because I’m taking a less beaten path people don’t know how to be supportive or (worse) don’t want to be. But I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way - this isn’t a 2nd best choice for me, it’s a 1st best wonderful way to become a mother. If they don’t get it, their loss.

All parents receive intrusive questions from time to time; I was in the adoption process at the same time my closest friend was pregnant with her first child. She was married and I was (still am) single. We used to get together and compare the questions and have a good laugh. It is up to you how you wish to answer intrusive questions, if at all. Sometimes an incredulous look is all that is needed (you would have loved to have seen my face when asked if it wouldn’t have been cheaper to get “knocked up” than adopt!) and sometimes the questioner might just be curious. Over the years (and its been 10 for me), you will hear lots of comments, both supportive and not so much—-maintain a sense of humor, find a close friend to confide in, and maintain a steady path. My daughter is my world and I would not change a single thing about my family.

While I’m sure there are a whole host of other questions/comments that single adopters get, rest assured, *everybody* who adopts gets them. (If there’s anyone out there who hasn’t, I have yet to meet them!) My husband and I have been trying to adopt for a couple of years now, first infant adoption and now through the foster care system, and it amazes me how everyone seems to think I just jumped into this with no forethought whatsoever (*anyone* who knows me at all should know better!). That, and all the horror stories about somebody’s friend’s third cousin’s adopted child being an absolute psychopath… I’ve hit the point where I don’t even want to bring the subject up with anyone, which is sad, because I could really use the support, and I’d love to share our experience and educate others, esp. others who might decide to adopt.

Yes - people say amazing things when it comes to adoption. The best advice I can give is find an adoption support group - ours had a waiting parent group and our adoption agency had a group of those in the adoption process. Even if you find a social group that meets with their adoptive kids ask if you can attend their get-togthers to get a glimpse of what you life will be.

Join the parenting club:) it is a right of passage to get unsolicited advice about everything especially with a first child.
It is compounded by the fact that you are adopting I am sure.  But when I was 22 and pregnant complete strangers came up and told me their opinions- really? 
I am sure most people are well meaning- but truly!
I would not share with people honestly- anything you do not have to- and this should stop.
I am sure many people are threatened by what you are doing and want to put you down as a defense mechanism since they are not- and for some reason want to belittle you.
Honestly- you cant please everyone all of the time- so - don’t try.  I would keep my mouth shut to anyone other then your closest friends- that will ward off a lot of this. And as for your closest friends- I would tell them you are not looking for advice at this point- you have chosen to go forward and when you want their opinion you will ask.

With my second child we planned a homebirth- this was a very personal choice and one i did not even choose with my family or friends- until it was over- I did not want the negative stress this would bring me- and the negative energy so to speak- so I just well- lied.  When asked what hospital I was going to - I lied.  It was none of their business.  I just told them what hospital I would go to- IF their was a problem. 
There is a woman on my facebook who broadcasts her parenting choices ( that are not mainstream) all over- and really she is just asking for trouble and arguments- while I am sure she is wanting to help educate people- it really does not come off that way- and even tho I agree with a lot of her non mainstream choices and choose them for my child- I don’t need anyones elses approval for them.  AND I don’t want to single out my kids- at all.  We are not a poster board family.
Remember ignorance - people fear that that they do not know.

well, yes, my plan is to adopt a special needs child. and my coworkers are going to figure it out when I show up at work with her one morning; I work at a daycare for medically fragile kids, so I anticipate bringing her to work with me. sorry,  don’t see what’s odd about the phrase “my social worker”.

It’s an adoption thing, I’m sad to say.  We’ve adopted twice now and I can tell you that people who haven’t adopted just don’t really get it. 

Wait until you hear, “Where are her real parents?” by even your closest friends and family.  It will break your heart.  I always say her birth mom, his birth dad etc, but people still ask about their real parents. 

Sometimes I feel very alone in the world of adoption, but I wouldn’t change anything about MY children.
Know that you have support here!!

My daughter who is 6 years old knows that I am adopted and calls my birthmother my real mom- I have tried to explain it to her that I have two real moms one that gave birth to me and one that raised me.  She has met my birthmother only once when she was under 3 years old and does not remember her at all.  She sees my adoptive mother all the time and has a close relationship with her.  To her 6 year old brain however- the mother who gave birth to me is my real mother.  Even though I have explained it time and time again.  she also calls my adoptive brother my step brother.

M4kidz:  I think it might have to do with you being single, people may be trying to “take care of you” and “protect you.”  People can always be opinionated and say things that bug you, but it sounds like you are getting a bigger dose of that.  (I think one girlfriend of mine found things that didn’t sound good to her the time we almost matched and the two times that we did officially match with expectant mothers…I think she was just worrying about us)

Chelia:  the “real parents” thing is hard for me, and I hope no adults say that in front of our children when they are little.  It is so hurtful to the adoptive parents to say that, and also devalues the child’s family (that they live with and is raising them).

EST:  I think that’s wonderful that you told your little girl that you have two “real moms,” she will understand someday when she’s older.  I hope my little girls feel that they have two real mothers too when they grow up.  As an adoptee I feel that way about my mom and birthmom (they are both my real mothers), and I love them both!

Twicethelove, I think you hit the nail on the head.  I had some “heart to heart” conversations with very opinionated members of my family who just wanted to protect me from the difficulties I MIGHT face ... They’ve come around.  I hope your friends do too.

Oh and rn- I wanted to tell you- as a single mother I do get what seems to be an extra dose of judgement and criticism.  I don’t like it- but it happens.  People have underlying judgements about raising kids alone- and sometimes they do not even know it.  they think my kids are less well off because I am divorced( and it DOES come with its huge set of issues)  it is hard to have people look down their noses at us but I try to pretend I don’t notice and go on about my day.

I hate that people view my kids as coming from a broken home.  the home we were in before was broken- this one- is filled with love and laughter.( most the time:))

Yes, yes, yes!  I didn’t with my first, but I just posted a new discussion on wanting to expand my family.  I am disappointed that the same people who were wildly supportive of my first adoption, are so critical of my plans for a second.  I in particular hear that everything has gone so perfectly, why do you want to jinx that with another?  You are older now.  Two will cost more, and take more time.  Yes, I’m older, and no one knows how much work it is than me, but know one knows how much joy it is than me too!  I am sad that I have stopped sharing each step with family, because I don’t want to hear it anymore - I want to enjoy planning for my next child.

Yes! I’m an adoptive mom of 4 special needs children and single. What’s going to happen to you if you die, do you realize nobody is going to want to date you? What are you going to do when this happens? On and on, I’ve heard it all. Now, I am isolated from most family and friends. I had to eliminate all negative people out of my life. Yes, I knew what I was doing, Yes, I knew what I was getting into but, as an adoptive mom, for some reason, I’m not allowed to be tired, complain about my kids or express any disappointments because after all, I asked for this right?

Surround yourself now with people who love you and are supportive. The ones now who aren’t positive, will probably even get more difficult to deal with after the placement. Have someone you can vent to who understands that even though you love the child with all that you are, parenting is not always easy and even if you chose a special needs child and knew what you were “getting into” you still need an emotional release.

Best wishes to you!

I feel in my heart that adopting is something I can’t ignore. I am an adoptee and know my heart would understand how an adopted child has natural curiosity as to their birth parents. 
  I have several childless friends that don’t understand why I would want to “burdon” myself with this responsibility, so I feel the need to bond with similar people and share my feelings with them. 
  I grew up with alot of love and the parents that raised me are my parents even though I’ve met my biological mother whom I have alot of respect for.
  My father is behind my feelings of adoption and gave me the thumbs up!  (Mom had passed away).
  getting his approval, seemed to make a wonderful influence, follow your own feelings