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daughter obessed with adult men

Posted by rainablu to U.S. Foster Adoptive Families on Apr 25, 2012 at 4:01am | 6 Comments | Post a reply

Our daughter is only 4 and has had multiple placements. She is thriving remarkably in our home for the last 7 months. The only real worry we have is that she has a strange obession with older men. Our friends fathers, male neighbor, two of the male teachers at the school, and her grandfather (husband’s father). At first we thought maybe it had to do with searching for a father figure, but she does not do this with women at all. My husband spends tons of quality time with her, as my schedule is very random and long. We have asked these adult men to not be too attentive to her and not tease or hold her, yet the obession is still there. Anybody else run into this problem? Any suggestions?

Replies

My four year old behaves the same way. She was even wanting to play “boyfriends” so she could kiss. I keep trying to redirect her and my husband and sons give her proper male attention. Otherwise, i am at a lost and not sure what to do. She will usually just ignore my female friends if there husband/boyfriends/teen sons are around. Any help would be great. And thatnk you for posting this.

Posted by annadjNssen@gmail.com on Apr 25, 2012 at 4:16am

I am the mother of 10…..5 of my children were adopted from hurting places. I have done much respite care and have a lot of experience with girls with this same issue.

Two things come to mind right from the start…

1. This can signal a significant attachment disorder
2. This is a huge red flag to me for previous sexual abuse.

I would highly recommend that you find a qualified play therapist and art therapist in your area and get your daughter on board with them immediately. I believe that what you are seeing as obsessions might more accurately be described as very poor personal boundaries with men which is something you really need to work on NOW, while she is very young. It is something you will likely need to work on throughout the different stages of her life. It can be done…but it will require you to be very committed.

Posted by preparedforrain on Apr 25, 2012 at 4:32am

I agree with @preparedforrain ~ the first thing I thought of was reactive attachment disorder…do not delay in addressing it! The issues will only get worse as time goes on if they are not dealt with!

Blessings on you & your family!!

Posted by My3SonsMama on Apr 25, 2012 at 4:38am

Wow!!! What a support system you all are, thanks for your quick responses We will get on with getting some therapy started for her.

Posted by rainablu on Apr 25, 2012 at 4:58am

Rainablu, I would also very highly recommend getting a copy of The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Read it. Then read it again…and again.

Please make sure that the therapist you choose for your daughter has experience working with children from foster care or institutional environments. They are radically different from other kiddos.

Posted by preparedforrain on Apr 25, 2012 at 5:37am

The Connected Child is an amazing book. My husband and I have recently become certified to foster/adopt children with a match yet to come. I have provided my immediate family (mom/dad and sisters) with copies of this book and not only have I received feedback that this will help them in handling our new family, it will help them in dealing with children already in the family. Blessings to all!

Posted by CHart on Apr 25, 2012 at 7:53am