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When does the grave train stop???

Our son is almost 5 years old.  He is well aware he is adopted.  We have contact with his birth mom and grandmother who live local.  But over the past 3 years the only time they want to see him is when they want money or gifts from us! 
At what point do we cut this out???  Of course guilt motivates us but we have paid for a pool membership, given gift cards and taken them to nice dinners this year already.  Last Christmas she scammed us out of more gift cards because we didn’t send the package with a tracker on it.  She knew this and asked for more gift cards to buy presents for her other kids, who she has lost custody of.  This Christmas I am not feeling like this need to continue every year. 

So how long do you continue to give and give when they make no effort to see the birth child unless there is money or gifts associated with it?!?!?


Hi so we have been living in a very similar situation.  We adopted my sisters baby at birth 10 years ago. Our DD has a full biological brother who is being raised by my sister. 

My sister has never been able to manage her life or her finances and we have always helped her out.  It hit a really bad point a couple of months ago when we had to bail her out to the tune of 4 thousand dollars and I told her it had to stop.  She crossed the line and almost tried to extort money saying well you have the child I gave you now I need you to help me….. note we have helped her for YEARS to the tune of thousands of dollars put her thru rehab for alcohol problems… it goes on and on…..

She does not call unless she needs something which is usually money. Does not care to find out how our DD is doing and it is just sad.  After this last round she called again and wanted more money and I had to tell her that we would not be giving her any more money….. She is drinking heavily again and is in a downward spiral and is very sad.

Gravy train has to end… will be very hard but in the long run it is not healthy for you or your son.  Hang in there and blessings on finding a balance with the birth family…..

Posted by Special K on Nov 14, 2017 at 9:58pm

Oh and I get the guilt trip….. dont let the guilt get to you…. be strong…...

Posted by Special K on Nov 14, 2017 at 10:04pm

Stop now, you are not buying your child from her.  You have helped enough, there is helping then there is supporting her and paying for what she gave you.  We helped first mom for years so when the girls came to us she got no more help unless she did something for it.  Recently she helped my sister out so I gave her $10.  Later that night she ripped my sister off for $190.

Tell her this feels way too much like she wants you to pay for the baby she gave you through adoption and that just isn’t going to happen.  Think down the road when she may tell your child that you bribed her for your child.  Have a list of community service organizations handy for her and tell her that she is going to have to seek public help in the future.  If she wants to have visits you are willing to all go to a mid-range restaurant as your treat but that’s it.  No gifts, no cash, no expensive dinners. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about as long as you did not coerce her to give the baby up for adoption and you are not going to pay for raising her child.  You are the child’s parents.

Posted by C3 on Nov 15, 2017 at 12:33am

I am of the opinion that you treat birth family as you would any other family members - no better, no worse.

At first, when DS’s bmom asked for money, we’d always give it to her. After a specific incident occurred, we finally realized that we couldn’t always be saying yes.

At this point, when a birth family member asks for money, we consider the request in context. Sometimes we say yes, but, more often, we say no.

We do, however, send Christmas presents. Not extravagant ones, but a little something, just like we do for my nephews and some of my friends’ children.

Posted by rredhead on Nov 15, 2017 at 1:54am

These response are great!  I really appreciate all the input!  I especially like rredhead when you say “treat birth family the same as you would any other family member”.

Sometimes I just need some reinforcement that I am making the right decision. 
Thanks all!

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