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What to do about Bio sister

I guess I’m just looking for advice or wondering how some of you handled a situation similar to this. My daughter has a strong bond with her bio sister and wants to be just like her. We have a good relationship with the family besides BF. So she could possibly see her at least 6 times out the year.

What do I do when her bio sister is using drugs, sleeping around and getting into all kinds of trouble? If this were anyone else in my family I’d keep my daughter away from them. But what do I do about her bio sister, she misses her so much already.

My daughter is 7 and is very impressionable, and will start imitating bio sister after 5 minutes of being in front of her. Any advice would help please.


How old is the bio sister?
does she feel the same way about seeing her sister? Can you set up some boundaries? Like we can visit but you can’t be alone with her or mention sex or drugs?

Can the visits be structured like a movie and pizza with you there or a game tournament with you there? If she is on drugs or drunk at the visit end it and try again.
If you have to cut back on visits
you can tell your daughter her sister is doing some things that are not OK and indeed are illegal but that doesn’t mean we stop loving her we hope she changes so that visits can resume.
With the internet and phones (even if you monitor your daughter) they will probably have some contact you can’t control that. Kids have access all over from school, libraries and friends.

Posted by Regina on Sep 13, 2018 at 7:27pm

I agree with Regina.
Actually, I have to question whether you would really cut off contact if this were your bio family, such as an older child who was engaged in sex, drugs or trouble. If this were your own child and the one who is doing the wrong things was a teenage bio child, would you throw them out of the house and cut off all contact, so that the younger child would not be influenced, or would you do as Regina wisely suggests and continue contact with boundaries.? If your biological brother was using drugs—bad ones or just smoking pot—would you really cut off contact with your family from him forever? If your older daughter, or cousin or niece, was sleeping around or having an affair, would you cut them out of your lives forever? Ie, if any of the people in your natural family engaged in bad behavior, would you really cut them off forever?
If not, why is OK to do that to your adopted child?
It’s not popular with a lot of adoptive parents, but as a FFY I have to continue to say that strong family bonds, such as the one you say your daughter has with her sister, are powerful and severing them, even if it seems like a good idea at the time, almost never is a good long-term strategy.
And you’re only talking about maybe 6 times a year? If your bond is strong and your influence is strong and your daughter really perceives you as her parents, six contacts a year shouldn’t negate her upbringing.
you don’t say how old the sister is, but it’s normal for any girl to want to be like her big sister, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to start taking drugs at age 7 or sleeping around if she has a secure home life.
As Regina said, allow contact with certain understandings—she can’t be high.

Posted by NoraT on Sep 13, 2018 at 8:28pm

First let me say this is MY own child and I could never cut off my child.

Maybe I didn’t explain it clearly for you NoraT but I didn’t say cut off all contact and I also didn’t say forever, I said keep away. If my family members are doing things I don’t want my kids around (which some are) we don’t see them often and when we do I am right there with her.

Thanks for your advice Regina. By the way the bio sister is 17 and lives with the BF who just got out of prison.

Posted by FinallyMama on Sep 14, 2018 at 3:06pm

I agree with Regina. Also with Nora that family is important. However, 6 X year can be a lot. It may depend on how dangerous or bad the situation is, and or also how bonded and attached your daughter is to you.

Your first commitment is to the health and safety of your child. Do what ever you need to help her thrive.

If you do set up limited visits or supervised visits, remember to point out the siblings good qualities to your daughter, as well as choices or behaviors that are not healthy or safe. If you are clear to speak from a place of genuine care and concern for your daughter as well as for her sibling what you have to say will better received.

Sometimes however it is necessary for a child’s parent   to make unpopular decisions due to concerns for your child’s welfare. And in that case clear boundaries/ rules, can be easier for a child to accept than an erratic life.Speak to people who are informed, think carefully about your child’s needs and her situation, use your judgment, then make your best decision for her welfare and don’t second guess it.

Posted by Happy Camper on Oct 10, 2018 at 3:55am

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