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What made your Birthmother choose you?


I’m curious about what kinds of things attract birthmothers to one family over another.  Would anyone be willing to share (if you know) why your birthmother picked your family?  What was it that she connected with about you?

Replies

We were chosen by our daughters birthmom because she saw a lot of her, in our family. She had 3 dogs, we had 3 dogs. She had a cat, we had a cat. We also made a creative profile book. She liked our humor and how we included “real” images of our life. I have asked her, why she chose our profile and not another. She said she most liked how we didn’t looked posed in every picture. I put very silly pictures of us in our profile book. There were also some serious ones, but I tried to pick the pictures that best represented our comical life. Are you in the process of making your profile book?

Posted by JayLSC805 on Feb 07, 2012 at 7:35am

The first time we were matched our birth mom chose us because I am a chiropractor and she had previously told the agency she thought that one day she’d like to work in a chiropractic office.

The second time it was an agency pick and the agency picked us due to the fact that we live in a larger city and our group of friends and family are very diverse.  Our daughter is Hispanic and we are Caucasian. They said they wanted to be sure she’d be a good fit for a family that didn’t live in an area where we’d be the only ones likely to have a “mixed” family.

Posted by Tressi on Feb 07, 2012 at 7:55am

Our son’s birthmother chose to meet with us because of 3 photos in our profile:
- Our Betta fish - she had one too. (And people laughed at me for spending hours trying to get a good picture of a Betta fish!)
- The nursery with all the toys in it.
- The kids playing in our neighborhood, which was a photo I added at the last minute just because I had an extra space.

After she met with us, she liked us.

Our daughter’s birthmother chose us because of our son. She liked that he had asked for a sister. She also liked that we specifically mentioned that we were wanting to adopt a child who was brown.

Posted by rredhead on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:01am

Our birthmother picked us because she wanted a stay-at-home mom.

At one of our information meetings, I remember hearing a birthmom stating she chose the adoptive family because they had a dog.  I remember telling my husband that we needed to get a dog so a birthmom would find us more favorable.  He thought I was crazy.  I now laugh at all the things I would have done to be chosen when all along I was going to be chosen for something I had already planned to do.

Posted by RRB on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:05am

Our first birthmother’s father picked us because he said I reminded him of his daughter and we had the same dog!

Our second birthmother picked us because she liked my letter and she wanted her daughter to have a sibling.

Our third birthmother picked us because she wanted her son to go to family with college degrees - and because she was a “third”  she wanted him to be a natural “third” in a family!

Posted by Mommy2 on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:34am

My husband and I are both very musical and we had dedicated a page of our book to music pictures of us. I was worried that birth moms might be turned off by that and think we would “force” our child to like music, but one of the reasons our son’s bmom chose us was because we were musical and she had been in band. She also liked that we were younger (her age) and we had pictures of a bunch of different things we had done on vacations that she wished she could provide for the son she already had. She also liked that I was a teacher and thought I would have lots of patience. You just never know what will connect with emoms!

Posted by manders242 on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:35am

Our BM said she liked that we had a lot of pictures in our profile and that our family seemed a lot like her own family.

Posted by Rent98 on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:39am

Our son’s placement was very quick.  His birth mother liked the pictures of our nursery.  We decorated in gender neutral colors.  She said she knew we would be ready to take him home on such a short notice.  She also loved the pictures showing us on vacation.  She wanted him to have a chance to travel and see places she had not had an opportunity to visit.  She also loved the pictures showing lots of kids in our family.  She knew that he would have lots of playmates growing up.

Each birth mother looks for something different.  I suppose you never know what will make a connection with a birth mother.  The best advice I could give is to make a profile that depicts your life honestly.  Don’t second guess your instincts on what to include in your profile.  Follow what feels right to you!

Good luck!

Posted by Aunt Lolly on Feb 07, 2012 at 9:24am

Our bm picked us because we looked cool in our photos. To be honest it was nerve wracking at first. Everything I thought would turn someone off turned out to be exactly what made her comfortable. I have a lot of tattoos, purple hair and lots of pets. She said we were what she wanted to be like when she was our age.( she is 17) enough like her but also older and responsible. I think she liked that we were so open about who we are.

Posted by aimee.artistry@gmail.com on Feb 07, 2012 at 9:26am

We got picked for a number of reasons. It was important to our birth mom that I would be a stay at home mom.  My husband is Asian like our birth mom.  It was also important to her that hubby is a doctor- he will be able to pay for college and she wanted to make sure education would be covered. She also mentioned that she liked the idea of dual citizenship for a child. But the one thing that she said that ensured we got picked was that she really liked our nursery with all the toys, books, pictures, and ornaments- many were mine as a child and all the new ones are multicultural. She liked the dolls we had that are African American since our daughter is Asian and African American.

Posted by mel123 on Feb 07, 2012 at 9:53am

As many above have mentioned, it is hard to always see the why.  Our first birthmother chose to meet us bacause she wanted a couple who had no possibility of having a biological child (I had a hysterectomy), were the same religion, and looked liked her.  But the factor that pushed her over was a picture of our dog.  She had never been allowed a dog, and wanted her daughter to grow up with one. 

Our second adoption was with a birth mom who had already relinquished two children, and did not want the possibility of a meeting of the families, so she wanted someone out of state.  It was that simple.  We talked on the phone, we did not seem overly concerned that she had no pre-natal care, (we did talk extensively with our pediatrician), and it was done.  She did not care about biological heritage or looking like us (she is olive skinned, as is my daughter, we are very fair). 

I know of one birth mom who chose a family because their profile photos were not too “fussy”.  There was a shot in the yard with a hose casually thrown near the house, toys strewn around,  while the dog ran around the not perfect lawn with the toddler (first) child.  She liked that they cared more about playing than keeping things perfect. 

I guess it is important to be honest about who you really are, and you will find each other.

Posted by Kate on Feb 07, 2012 at 10:49am

Our son’s birthparents told us they picked us because they liked how close we were with our family, our flexible work schedules and our yellow Lab.  We were afraid our 100 pound dog would worry birthparents but he turned out to be one of our greatest assets.  : )

Posted by avanpelt on Feb 07, 2012 at 11:08am

Our birthmom picked us because we already had an adopted daughter and she looked like her. When we met her (she is 16) her and my daughter were the spitting image of eachother - they even wore their hair the same style and both wore blue shirts. They bonded instantly. And what is even more ironic our daughter and new baby boy look so much alike themselves! It was fate!

Posted by TAMIKO on Feb 07, 2012 at 11:48am

This is fascinating!  Thanks so much, everyone.  So far I’m counting 3 nurseries, 4 dogs, and a Betta fish…  grin

My husband and I have been waiting for over a year now with about 20 contacts but no solid matches.  Maybe time to get that dog my hubby’s been wanting wink

We were considering revising our profile and wondered if we left anything important out.  I see from this that the reasons are quite varied, and I have a little more confidence in our profile now (it’s at http://www.kirstenmartyadopting.com if I’ve made anyone curious—-feedback welcome!)

Thanks for all the details, and congrats to all of you!  Looking forward to joining your ranks.
Kirsten

Posted by KirstenMartyAdopting on Feb 07, 2012 at 1:02pm

It sounds like there is a theme here is birthmoms choosing people like them!  In other words, there is no, “right,” answer other than to be real in your profile. 

Our birthmom chose us because my husband did sound at church and so did the birthfather and that is how they met.  She likes to read and I do too.  She loves animals and we have a huge hairy dog.  She like the photo of my son covered in brownie batter and another one with him painting his face with finger paints.  She liked that we seemed real.  She said, “your family looks like what me and (birthfather) would be if we could right now.” 

It’s awesome because we do have an open adoption with both birthparents and we have a lot to talk about, even without talking about our daughter.  We get along and genuinely love each other.

Posted by Chelle D on Feb 07, 2012 at 8:56pm

Our birthmom initially looked at our profile because she and my husband shared a similar skin and hair color.  Both have a fair complexion and strawberry blond hair.  After she read our match letter and met with us, we realized that we had a lot more in common.

Posted by kjfischer on Feb 07, 2012 at 11:19pm

Our fist adoption was foster to adopt so the state picked us to foster, but then we became friends and they said they picked us because they trusted us. Our second BM was a referral and that helped, but she said she picked us because I reminded her of her mom and she felt she could trust us to do an open adoption.

When I see profiles I connect myself with the photos, I love seeing pics of cute nurseries, and also what I perceive as parents like mine (loving, kind, easy going), and last financially stable.

This is one of my fav adoption profiles/blogs… http://highwaytoadoption.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&updated;-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&max;-results=31  I feel in lov with the nursery myself… scroll to the very bottom to see pics…

Posted by Private And Foster Mom on Feb 07, 2012 at 11:39pm

our first son’s BM liked my profession (not my cool fire fighter husband’s picture!)  she also liked that my coloring was similar to hers and that my husband’s was similar to the BF’s.  she also liked our house (it’s a log house.)

we got picked once because we aren’t too blonde.  we were unpicked once because of the state we live in.

our 2nd son’s BM picked us because we are friends with her teacher, whom she trusted enough to talk about her unplanned pg.  the portfolio had nothing to do with it (but she did see an electronic version.)

Posted by lincolnlog on Feb 07, 2012 at 11:41pm

Our son’s BM picked us because we already had 2 adopted children and were open about their adoptions. Her mother had placed a child and that child had a very negative feeling toward her adoption saying bad things about her mother. She wanted a family who would be very positive about her and explain to our son how much she loved him.
She liked that we explained things openly to our daughters. She also liked that we went on a lot of vacations and had fun as a family. And that we allowed our girls to try different things and decide what they liked and not make them do something we wanted them to do. One does competition gymnastics while the other one sings, plays violin and rides horses. Can’t wait to see what our little man wants to do.
I think the most important thing is to be yourself. Flaws and everything. She doesn’t want someone perfect, just perfect for her child.

Posted by momof3eaj on Feb 08, 2012 at 12:21am

We were chosen because a friend of hers who knew us recommended us and she trusted her. She had another choice, but the other potential couple had told her that she wanted no contact after. Not even pictures. That swayed her toward us. Now our adoption is WIDE open, with frequent visits and contact.

Posted by LoloMojo on Feb 08, 2012 at 1:27am

Our placement was very quick, as our birthmom delivered and made a choice after seeing the profiles from our agency in her hospital room.
She chose us because she felt her likes were similar to ours. She specifically liked our water skiing, boating and outdoor pictures.
I’m not sure if this was a factor, because she wants no contact and we aren’t able to ask her, but her skin and hair color are very much like mine.
I wonder and wish we could ask her so much more…but for now, I tell my precious gift that she placed with us that she loved him more than anything to make such a hard decision and that I will always love her….even not knowing her.

Posted by misty w on Feb 08, 2012 at 2:04am

Our daughter’s birth parents chose us because we, in their words, didn’t look perfect.  We looked like normal people and they liked that.  Birth mom is a bit overweight and she liked that I was too (now we share info on how we are getting healthier).  They also liked that we were close to family, liked to travel,

Posted by Nicho2005 on Feb 08, 2012 at 2:16am

Our daughter’s birthmom chose us because we were ok with visits each month.  Everything that I painstakingly wrote in our album and thought we would be chosen for was not really even considered—in fact, I’m not sure she even paid attention to it.  She knew she wanted some visitation and so she looked for the couple that would offer her “the most.”

Posted by mandy on Feb 08, 2012 at 3:03am

Our sons’ birthmom chose us because of the picture on the front of our profile book. She thought we looked “young and energetic” enough to care for twins! After all that writing and agonizing over details and answers to questions, she chose us based on the cover of our book! You really never know!

Posted by twinkymom on Feb 08, 2012 at 6:29am

Our birthmom chose us because she thought we looked like we really cared about each other and liked each other in our pictures - more candid, less posed. And she liked that our daughter would be brought up with a strong faith and that we believed in education as the key to opportunities in life. And she later told me that she liked that we admitted we fought about stuff - specifically the dog issue.

She didn’t say this but I also think she chose us because we are older and more established. She’s got a lot of stressors in her young life and she just wanted to know that this baby would be well taken care of. But realizing that you are older than your child’s biological grandmother… that’s a humbling moment.

Keep the faith! I’m sure you will have success soon.

Posted by yesimln on Feb 08, 2012 at 7:13am

Our profile book did not have a picture of a nursery.  Our son’s birthparents chose us because my husband had coached football.  They also liked that we had a lot of nieces and nephews.  Our daughter’s birthmother chose us because of our son.  She liked that he was in the middle of all the pictures.  So, you never know what will attract a potential birthmother.  You just have to yourself.

Posted by jszmom on Feb 08, 2012 at 1:54pm

Our BM chose us (we were told) because of our love for our animals, and I think because my husband was a big sports fan.  I would recommend being upfront and honest about your life and personality.  When the right birth parent(s) come along, they will chose you.

Posted by all77giggles on Feb 09, 2012 at 5:59am

Ours was because our cat looked like a cat she used to have. Definitely don’t over think it - you can’t predict what will catch her eye. Good luck.

Posted by skeeslo on Feb 11, 2012 at 9:47pm

These are fascinating!  I’m really struggling with building our profile.

Posted by savinggrace on Feb 14, 2012 at 2:37am

Our son’s BM told the SW that she picked us because she thought one of us (she didn’t specify which) looked like we could be a member of her family.  Although our son’s BF is Puerto Rican and our son has darker skin than we do, we are often told he looks like either or both of us, so I guess she must have been right! (We’ve never met her)

Posted by dudesmom on Feb 16, 2012 at 10:46pm

It was our families. Both birth parents said they wish they were raised as a part of our family. It meant a lot to us that they felt so strongly about Dante having an upbringing surrounded by so much love and support.

Posted by hilaurious on Feb 17, 2012 at 11:40pm

I think we were chosen because my husband looks like the BF.

Posted by joyfulmommy on Feb 18, 2012 at 12:30am

I’m disappointed to see the language being used here. It just isn’t respectful! She is an expectant mother until the child is born and she signs legal papers affirming her adoption plan. Then she is a birthmother. She is NEVER the family’s or the parents’ (our) birthmother, but your child’s birthmother. To call her a birthmother before she makes her final decision or to ever call her “our” birthmother makes her sound like a brood mare!

Posted by Pat Irwin Johnston on Feb 18, 2012 at 4:26am

Our birth mothered liked that fact that we were within driving distance, about 90 mins. Also, we have two other son’s so he child would have siblings and enjoy family.

Posted by positivelyhappy on Feb 18, 2012 at 4:39am

Our son’s birthparents were looking for an adoptive couple with no children already, that were younger/close to their ages

Posted by Wannabe2 on Feb 18, 2012 at 12:13pm

We have a son who was 5 at the time our birth mom selected us for the baby boy she was carrying.  When we asked her why she picked us, she said that she liked that we are always doing fun things with our son.  And she felt that boys need to be kept busy, so that was one of her reasons for choosing us.

Posted by msbutton on Feb 22, 2012 at 3:56am

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