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What do you say...


I recently posted a photo of my daughter, me, and her birthmom from our last visit on facebook.  I have had several people comment on the photo saying things like “Oh you are so amazing” and “You are such a great Mom”.... etc, etc, etc.  I want to say something but I don’t really know what to say. 

I don’t feel amazing…. I do it because she is a part of our family and I do it for my daughter. 

I don’t want to sound snoty or anything so how do you nicely say I am not the amazing one, her birth mom is??!!

Replies

People would never understand what you feel for your daughter’s birthmother.  Simply say “thank you” or “I love being a Mom” or how about “we make a great team.”  It’s just like being uncomfortable taking a compliment.

Posted by MamaLion on Nov 06, 2012 at 5:56am

I’ve been in this situation several times in the last two years since locating, contacting, and establishing a relationship with my son’s BM.  You are simply putting your focus on your kid’s needs.  Short and long term. That’s something most parents do all the time. It’s not heroic, it’s our job. 

You are giving her the tools and resources to be empowered in her adoptive experience.  People need to understand that parents through adoption have the same priorities as most other parents, they just have to navigate through different types of issues to accomplish the same goals.

I think the part of this experience that “impresses” or “awes” non-adoptive folks is that they don’t yet really grasp that we can be very secure in our knowledge of the depth of our relationship with our own kids.  The myth that we spend a lot of time worrying about the permanance of our connection to our kids seems to be hard to dislodge from the non-adoptive community’s mind.

Posted by jen4 on Nov 06, 2012 at 6:09am

I know…I don’t like that either.  People sometimes don’t understand that birth families are extended family for you and you’re doing what’s best for your child.  If you had taken a picture with your daughter and your aunt would people be so delighted?  I don’t think so.  I try to tell people that my children’s birth families are like extended family members.  When we adopted them, we adopted their birth family too - and we are so glad to have all of them in our lives.

Posted by Joanne0911 on Nov 06, 2012 at 2:21pm

Say exactly what you said above, that is how you feel no further explanation required to people that just won’t ever get it. You are great in your own right don’t diminish that, you are doing what’s best for your child like an amazing mother should.Enjoy your time with your daughters other mom its one of the most precious gifts in the world.

Posted by Samsmommy on Nov 06, 2012 at 3:33pm

everyone else pretty much summed it up.  they are amazed at what adoption is today and how lucky we are to know our children’s birthparents.

Posted by lincolnlog on Nov 06, 2012 at 8:29pm

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