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Ethics in Adoption

Three part blog post: Ethics in adoption


This woman writes about some of the issues to adopting ethically really well.  What’s even more heartening is the overwhelmingly positive feedback she’s gotten in the responses.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/20/examining-adoption-ethics-part-two

Replies

Looks like she’s very thorough!  Lots of good information…I’ve bookmarked her site to finish reading in a few days once my in-law’s visit is over.  grin

Posted by Lara on May 21, 2013 at 10:47pm

Hi,

Thank you for sharing the blogs that Jen Hatmaker wrote about ethics in adoption., I appreciated reading them and have read the first two so far.  I posted this as a comment to the first blog and wanted to share it here also.  This is not a negative response to the blog, but looking at a few things in a little different way.  I’m also a Christian, and am not sure what God’s will is in the area of adoption and if His plan was for adoptees to be raised in the family they were born in, or to be raised in the family that adopted them.  This topic is important to me as a Christian, and also personal to me as an adoptee and an adoptive mom.  I have felt personally that adoption was God’s plan for my life and also feel blessed to have been adopted and raised by my special (adoptive) mom.  I have also been blessed to be reunited with my birthmom who found me 16 years ago this month, and I loved both of my mothers.  (My sharing this is not to argue about it because as I shared earlier I’m not sure what God’s will is for adoptees and adoption, and I would be interested to read Scriptures about this topic and Scripture based points of views from other Christians about this)

The writer Jen had shared in her blog that a child should stay with their birth family whenever possible (parents or extended family), and this is something that I feel differently about.  It may be “possible” for a child to be raised by their birth family, but also not be the best for them.  Both my first mother and my children’s first mother had the option to have their children raised by birth family, and chose instead adoption for them and an adoptive family. My birthmom was part of a blended family of nine children (yours, mine and ours) and had remembered hearing her stepmother say that if any of the girls in the family got pregnant, they would take the baby and raise it as their own… so this was an option that she could have done when she became pregnant with me and I would have stayed with my birth family.  However, she felt that they were dysfunctional and said that she could not bring herself to go back there from college with me, and that they would have been raising me while she was there but she wouldn’t have been able to have much say in how I was being raised.  She said that I wouldn’t have had my own family and my birthmom knew personally what that was like,  Her mother abandoned her when she was tiny and her father was in the service, so she was raised by her birth relatives until she was 10 when her father remarried her stepmother.  She was raised with love by her aunts and grandfather (but felt like she was extra and they each had their own families) and I would have been raised with love also but just been included in the large extended family too.  We went to visit these birth relatives several times and the house that I would have grown-up in (they were sweet but it was still a zoo of people) and I’m thankful that she chose adoption for me.

My daughters’ first mother chose adoption for our oldest I think because she felt it would be too hard for her to raise her at that time, and because she didn’t want to raise another child without a father. She had two older children and was raising them alone (she had been married before, but her ex was not involved either in their lives). My daughters’ birthmom also could have had her extended family raise her daughter (each of her sisters offered to do that), but they all had children and I think she wanted her daughter to be a special blessing to a family that couldn’t have children.  (I think she also felt that her family was dysfunctional in different ways, and didn’t want her child raised by them)  So even though her extended family could have raised her daughter and would have also loved her, she chose parents for her child and chose adoption instead.  I personally think that love trumps biology in raising a child, and that even if staying with the birth family is possible for a child, sometimes it is not “best.”  I do feel there is value and can be blessings in keeping birth family connections in adoption and have an open adoption with my children’s birthmom.  I feel that our relationship with our children’s first mother and siblings, and my own relationship with my birthmom and family are blessings in our lives.

Posted by twicethelove on May 22, 2013 at 11:29pm

gqqfier15, I totally agree with you about the difference between wanting to build your family through adoption versus wanting to rescue a baby.  Too often, women are co-oerced into placing their babies for adoption, both abroad and in this country, largely because it profits the middleman (lawyers, agencies, facilitators).  That should never happen.  However, I also agree with Twicethelove that if a mother wants to place her baby for adoption, that choice should be supported.  Basically, whether a mother chooses to parent her child or place her child for adoption, that choice should be supported by adoptive parents and society in general.  Coercion, deceit and fraud should never be used to force a parent to relinquish their child for adoption.  And if you really want to “save” a child, or at least, provide a home for a true orphan, consider adopting an older child or becoming a foster parent.  I have to wonder about international adoptions where adoptive parents can pay a lot of money to adopt a baby and how that money could be put to better use to help more poor parents keep their children.  I’m not being critical of adoptive parents.  As one myself, I totally understand that deep longing to be a parent and the wish to provide a great home for a child.  But many Christian organizations do outreach to poor communities both domestically and internationally and I wonder about how much more good they could do if instead of focusing on adopting “orphans” who actually have parents that can’t afford to raise them, they put their efforts towards helping more families stay together.  I think those two efforts, to provide good homes for children without families, and to help families stay together, should both be focused on by Christian groups wanting to help.  By only focusing on providing homes for “orphans” who may or may not actually be orphans, I think the efforts become too one sided and money is more likely to be used in a corrupt way, whether the adoptive parents are aware of that or not.

Posted by sacohe on May 24, 2013 at 10:41pm

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