Jessie, 

We are still waiting and have not had a failed match, but I wanted to let you know you are in my prayers.  I am so sad for you and hope you won’t let this take your hope away for the next match.  I am sure your baby will be home with you soon.

Try to stay positive,
mary

I’m sorry to hear about your failed match.  It must be heartbreaking.  We’ve didn’t have to deal with it, but I can tell you it was something that I was terrified about. 

On another note, we didn’t tell ANYONE except our parents that we had a match until it actually happened.  It was really hard because we were soo excited.  The reason was that we didn’t want to have to, as you put it, “untell” people- mainly because they don’t get it.  It was hard enough for us to tell everyone all the times we lost our babies and we just figured we didn’t need to go thru that kind of thing again. 

Adoption is tough for us- we have almost no control as perspective adoptive parents.  When we were picked I constantly overthought everything when it came to the birthparents.  It’s tough not to.  When you’re matched again just know that you have to have faith that your son or daughter will come home to you.  You have to do your best to stay positive!!

Good Luck,
John

Hi Jessie,
I so understand where you are coming from. My husband and I matched the same month we went “live”, a matter of fact three weeks into it. OMG, I can remember the feeling of being so overjoyed!! She was having a girl, and all we did was plan on the day we bring our daughter home. We talk to the BM several times on the phone, and scheduled a trip to meet her in her home state. I remember flying there, I was so excited and scared at the same time. When we spoke on the phone with her, I was surprised she never asked any questions about my husband and I, or our plans as parents. I thought that was odd, but once again I have never done this, so I just figured since she was young and scared she just did not know how to ask us questions.
Anyway, we finally got there, and went to the place we were scheduled to meet. Of course my husband and I arrived early, and waited. She was late, matter of fact very late; when she finally did arrive she acted like whatever, she took the gifts we brought without even a thank you, and introduced us to her mom and sisters (which there was a lot of them). My husband and I thought once again this is odd, but we just chaulked it up as her being young. Well, as the day went on she never taked to us except to tell us where she wanted us to take her and her family to eat all weekend. Her and her family walked ahead of us the entire time, and never spoke to us. I knew in my heart that this was not it! But I tried hoping I was wrong. Then I told her I would like to buy her an outfit, she said great, we went to the store and her a nd her family went into the store like they won a big shopping trip on the radio; remember I said “an outfit”!, they came to me and put in my arms at least 20 outfits and said, they think they should go to another store and look for more!! I was shocked, hurt, and heart broken all at once. I kept myself together, and responded with “the agency told me I can only buy one outfit only”, sorry but I’m unable to buy all this since the agency is against this. They looked at me with this look I will never forget, and she grabed the clothes and went through them and pick the most expensive one and said, Fine buy this one. I did.
At that point I knew and so did my husband. I was so hurt, sick, heartbroken, mad, and every other emotion you can think of. Sitting at the hotel that night and even we got home all I did was cry. I felt like I just lost a baby I was carrying. No matter what otherssaid to me they just did not understand the feelings I was going through.
I thought long an hard about continuing on, and to be honest sometimes I still do. I just can’t bare the thought of going through that again. We have decided to continue, but I won’t lie this is always in the back of my head. I already bonded with this baby, she had a name, a room, clothes. We had all these plans in our minds on her first xmas, her birthday. Then in one second all these plans fell. Even writing this I feel the pain in my heart, I think about how old she is now, and what we would be doing. It is the worst feeling to have.
This is why I started to search many hours!!! to find things to read online about this and find some kind of support from others who have gone through this.
I guess I thought it would help take this pain away and make some kind of since of all of it. To some agree it has, but to the other agree it is still there, and I guess it will always be there. Trying to adopt is like trying to get pregnant, just waiting for the test to turn positive!! Maybe all the things we go through during this journey is going to make us stronger parents, better people, who knows what the reason is.
I just know we want to have a family, and if this what has to happen to get there, so be it. I decided it was time to reach out to others who is going through the same things, feelings as I. Sometimes I find comfort in their words, and sometimes I don’t, but one thing for sure they understand!! Which is what I need. I’m not sure if this makes any sense to you at all, but what I’m trying to say is, I finally had to say to myself it is ok to hurt, to be mad; I’m only human, and having a family means so much to us it is only natural to go through all these feelings.
I try to remember a couple of things each day, one, “thy will be done”, and “one day at a time, or minute or second whatever is need at the time; LOL!
You are not alone, and post your feelings because it helps, and it helps others to read them.
God bless you will be in my thoughts
Jen

One more thing after all that, we told people when we matched, and we have decided not to the next time. It was just to hard to re tell the story, and try to answer some pretty odd questions. When it happens again I think the people I will tell will be on this site.

Jessie
I am so sorry you went through a fall through.  We did as well, 3 weeks before the baby was born the BM decided to parent.  She called us at 12 weeks PG so we went through the entire PG with her.  We were devasted.  I even had a baby shower.  the best advice I can give is to treat it like the loss that it is.  Go through the steps of grief.  I had suffered 4 miscarriages so unfortunately I was familiar with loss and the steps.  We watched alot of movies that week as a distraction and then we took a day off of work for just us.  We told most people via Facebook (face to face is too hard) but we did call my husband’s parents and told them.  I think I also sent an email. I asked my husband at that time when do we want to “go public” with the next one.  He said 2 weeks before the baby is due.  We were matched a 2nd time (just 2 weeks ago) and that one fell through as well after a few days.  I had told my team at work so we could coordinate my leave but that was it.  I think after 1 loss we protect ourselves and our family more.  It’s not final until the adoption is final and I think everyone involved needs to know that.  We (the adoptive parents) understand the process a little more but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

Take the time you need to grieve.  spend time comforting yourselves.  You will be more guarded the next time and that’s ok.

Prayers and hugs to you.

Angela
http://scottandangelaadopt.com

I am crying… your stories are so poignant and well-described that I can picture every twist and turn.  Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope that it’s cathartic for you to do so.

My husband and I are currently in a direct match situation with a pregnant couple in an adjoining state.  Our agency didn’t profile us to this couple; a mutual friend introduced us and we’ve hit it off.  We started by emailing back and forth every day, and the couple wants to meet us in person so we are going to drive there in December.

The PROs are that the couple is very loving and they have each other for support, but just feel too young and financially stable to support this baby.  The mother was adopted herself as a baby so she understands adoption as a very real and positive solution.  They go to the Dr together regularly and she tells us specifics about her blood work results and other things I would never think to ask.  She has asked us very important questions - what religion are we, do we want an open adoption, what is our household like and how do we plan to raise/discipline the child, etc.  This shows us that she is really thinking about this cognitively.  They are mature and eloquent.

The CONs are that she is only 3 months pregnant so there’s plenty of time for them to change their minds over and over again.  They are a loving couple so they may very well look at that newborn, look into each others’ sweet eyes, and decide to parent and make it work somehow.  And agencies have told us that the percentage of a situation like this actually coming to fruition is very low (vs a couple who was first counseled by an agency to ensure that they are likely to go through with relinquishment, and then matched with us).

And of course, regardless of pros or cons, we just don’t know until the last minute what will happen - do we?

SO… in light of all this, it’s good for me to read about your in-person visit, Jen.  And your failed match, Jessie - the way it happened with no phone call or anything.  I’m so sorry for both of your experiences, truly I am.  These are things that I need to keep in mind because they may become my realities as well.  It’s a fine line walking between excitement over your “expectancy” and being guarded.

How do we plan to proceed so that we can both be excited and guarded?  We’ve already told the birth parents that we don’t want to know the sex (even though I fear they will slip at some point and say “he” or “she”).  We told them that knowing the sex would make us feel too connected to the baby and would be potentially heartbreaking should things fall through.  We are also staying on the wait list with our agency, so if this falls through we are exactly where we would have been had we not met this couple.  That is a very lucky situation for us and I’m grateful that we can do that.  Finally, like many of you, we plan to only tell close family/friends about the match, and only at month 7 or 8, and only if we have a very good feeling about the situation.  When we tell them, we are going to ask them not to pray that we receive this child or that the birth parents relinquish or anything along those lines.  We are going to ask everyone to pray everyday that what’s best for the child will happen in the end.  I think that keeping the focus on the baby’s best interest - the baby’s plan, if you believe in that - has been what’s kept me mostly at peace through the whole adoption process, and I think that saying this will help our family to realize that A) this match isn’t a done deal   B) nothing’s finalized until papers are signed and C) if this lovely couple chooses to parent then this baby will be happy and healthy and it wasn’t meant to be our child.  I fear that our family will feel protective for us and, as Jessie said, will be grieving their own loss.  In the final hours when my husband and I will have so much to deal with emotionally, we don’t want to be responsible for their emotions as well.

Going forward, try to have faith in this: “THE CHILD THAT’S MEANT TO BE IN MY CARE WILL COME TO ME IN ITS OWN RIGHT TIME”.  Make it your mantra.  Repeat it.  Believe it.  It’s amazingly helpful in giving up control and running on pure faith that this will happen for you - for all of us who are waiting.  And it will!  Only the people who are strong enough are put on the adoption path.  This process takes more heart, grit, and faith than anything I know.  We are special and strong and it will happen for us all.

Wishing you peace.

Thank you for the lovely post “Colorado Mama”. Many things you said hit home.

Hello Jessie,

My best advice is to stay busy! I usually turn to cleaning when I’m upset so at least the house benefited.  We were matched last OCT and spent 4 months getting to know bm which included going to Dr appointments and childbirth classes.  We were really sure this was a perfect match right up until the baby was discharged in FEB and she would not let us leave the hospital with the baby girl.  Keep in mind I spelpt at the hospital for 3 nights taking care of the baby and the bm because she had no family or friends. We kept hoping that she would change her mind to parent since she could not mentally or financial raise this child on her own.  The baby was placed in foster care for 30 days while bm got a plan and lots of help from child service agencies.  We used the time to get our foster care license. We had started the process prior to being match and now was the time to complete it.  We also research other avenues to start our family.  We signed on with an agency called snowflakes that does embryo adoptions.
We continued to occasionally look at profiles that were sent to us by our lawyer but we were not interested in another 4 month bonding process with a bm.  Just when we least expected it the baby found us.  He was born 7/19 and received an email a few ours later letting us know he was available for adoption.  The bm interviewed us and chose us.  7/23 he was in our arms. Coincidently the day we took him home we received an email from snowflake saying we were match for embryo adoption. So my closing thoughts are hang in there it is all worth in the end.  I know it is hard to stay positive right now, you must be heartbroken. And yes we did tell everybody about adoption #1 and going back to work after I had said my goodbyes and told everybody I would see them in 4 months was the worst.
Also I found comfort reading the blogs. It let me know that a failed adoption is all too common and it was not our fault.  We also read that it happens multiple times which I am not sure I could handle. Especialy considering the money we had spent and lost. That was the salt in the wound.

Thank you so much, everyone. It seems a bit sick and twisted, but sometimes it just feels better to know that you’re not the only ones experiencing something so heartbreaking. Not that I would ever, ever wish this experience on someone, but it does feel better to know you’re not alone.

We spent about two months getting to know them and paid out quite a bit (not as much as some that I have heard, but a lot for us, especially with all the other costs!) that we will probably never get back. I think what hurts the most is that they let us sit for a week worrying and thinking the worst, and would have let us sit forever if we hadn’t called the agency ourselves.  It’s also so hard to know that we’ve spent this time and energy building a relationship with them that may have excluded us from other possible birth mothers.

I know the right baby will come in it’s own time, it’s just so hard not to obsess about missed opportunities or the possibility that we did or said something wrong that caused her to change her mind. I have been trying hard to keep busy, I just don’t cope well with waiting when there is nothing I can do to help the process along! What a trip!

Thank you so much to all of you who shared your stories and encouragement!
Jessie

I am so sorry for your loss.  We were recently matched and this is one of my worst fears.  Our situation is pretty complicated (aren’t they all) and there is a great fear that our birth father’s mother wants the baby and will refuse to sign (BF is 17).  We are telling everyone about it (she is due on Christmas day!) but we are also telling people up front that there is a chance it won’t work. I have a lot of faith that God has his hands all over this and I have to keep telling myself that if it doesn’t work, there is a greater plan that we just can’t see. It is still incredibly crazy though because I have all of these emotions/fears/hopes running through me.  I know that if it doesn’t work out I will be devastated, even though I know I have to wait for our baby. I think that is what is one of the craziest parts of this roller coaster - so many conflicting emotions all at once. That is what love is all about though - crazy emotions and putting your heart on the line.  I hope and pray that we aren’t putting ourselves out there to be crushed, and my heart breaks for everyone who has ever suffered through a failed adoption. 
I pray that each one of you will be blessed with your child as soon as possible, and thank you all for support.  I agree that it is so important to be able to talk to others who are going through the same thing.

Dear Jessie.  I so feel you pain.Today my birthmom is due to give birth to a daughter.  We have been talking on the phone every week for the past six months, and finally three weeks ago I started to believe it was real and went out to buy baby kit and I told work etc.  Last Tuesday I learned she has changed her mind.  I feel such an idiot that I was not prepared for this. I worried about prematurity, about logistics of travelling across the country, about managing work, and all the stupid non important things, but I totally believed she would place her baby.  She has no family, no job, no money, not even a permanent home.  Of course I am sad for me, that I am not becoming a mother today, but also I worry for the kind of life this beautiful baby will be able to have given these sad circumstances.  You and I just have to trust what they all say -  KNOW they say the right baby will find you, that the right thing will happen at the right time, and when we look back we will not want it any other way.  Hard to believe right now, i know, but I try!  I wish you soo much good luck.

Harriet—

I am so, so sorry to hear about your story—I wish you strength and comfort—I know how much it’s needed. :( We were in a very similar situation with our match. The parents are very young (still in high school), and the mother had gone to live with the father because of an emotionally abusive situation at home with her own mother. They have very little income, and no help from their parents, and it was the birth mother’s mother of all people who talked her into parenting. We feel so sad that the baby we had already started caring deeply about will grow up in the same emotional and financial situation that made his mother so depressed in the first place.

Hang in there! I wish you luck as well! Hopefully we will all be parents soon!

Hi,

I am new to this site, but saw your post and wanted to say I am sorry for your loss.  My husband and I have been through several matches that have ended in either the birthmom parenting, placing with relatives, and DHS removing the kids and placing in foster care.  We too have struggled with this and have decided not to mention to anyone when we are being potentially matched.  We made a mistake with our daughter who was 4 at the time that we were matched with a birthmom who was incarcerated with no chance of parole for some time.  She had no family contact and had no other options but adoption.  We met with her several times and even took our daughter to jail to meet her at her request.  The week the baby was to be born by C-section the jail moved her and we lost contact.  Our agency was wonderful in finding her whereabouts and helping coordinate the delivery and the meeting with us.  The facility that she transferred to helped her connect with a family member and she decided the day before the schedule c-section to place with family.  This was by far the worst failed matched.  We had names picked out and baby items purchased and we had our daughter to tell that she was not going to be a big sister.  That was the worst.  We have since had another match that we were told going into it was a long shot and DHS had stepped in and removed the babies and placed them in a foster home.  Since that time we have decided to become foster/adoptive parents and are now working with our first placement.  We currently have a sibling group of 3.  We decided not to work with teenagers when we started but our first placement has landed up with a 16 year old, a 6 year old, and a 3 year old.  Hang in there and keep plugging away.