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Single guy needing help - considering first adoption


Hey folks!  Thanks for taking the time to read my post.  I’m really only just beginning this journey, but I have recently felt the need/calling to look at adopting.  I’m a single guy in my early 40’s living in North Carolina.  I’ve never been married and have no kids of my own, although I have always wanted kids.  I really don’t know where to start even with this post other than it would be great to hear from other single dads who have adopted or are in the process of adoption, and just to get an idea of what to do.  I’ve looked at some things online and I know I need to contact an adoption agency and all, but I’ve not made any calls or anything along those lines yet.  Again, this has just weighed heavily on my heart lately and I feel like I need to explore things and see where it goes.  I feel like I could give a child somewhere out there a great home, love & attention, and help them along their life journey.  I’d be very grateful to hear from anyone with any support, first steps, do’s & don’ts, your story, or anything to help me help a child somewhere along the way.  THANKS!

Replies

Any idea of who you want to adopt? An infant? open/closed adoption? from foster care? older child? internationally? Transracially?

Internationally I am not sure which countries allow single parent adoption.

There are books that might help. Go to https://tapestrybooks.com/ and look around. Best of luck

Posted by Regina on Jun 27, 2019 at 1:45pm

Not a single dad. but a mom through adoption for 10-plus years.  The first thing you need to decide is the type of adoption you want to pursue: foster-adoption, international, or domestic newborn. 

Foster-adoption means you are adopting children through the state.  You can be a foster parent, meaning that children are placed with you while the state attempts to re-unify the family, or you can choose to only pursue legally free children, meaning children where the plan for those children has changed from re-unification to adoption.  The goal of DCF (or CPS, depending which state you are in) is always re-unification if possible.  If you decide to foster, you have to know that going in.

International adoption obviously means adopting from another country; not all countries allow single parent adoption, so that would be an issue for you.  Not all agencies that do international adoptions work with all countries.  You should research countries that are single parent friendly.  Many countries no longer place infants, so this is often older child adoption.

Private adoption means that you work with an agency or attorney to adopt.  Almost always this is domestic newborn adoption, where a pregnant woman plans to place her child for adoption.  You will often hear the term “domestic newborn adoption” used synonymously with private adoption for that reason.  In most cases the potential adoptive family meets the expectant mom before the birth, and, if the expectant mom chooses to place the child, there is some degree of on-going contact, either semi-open (pictures and letters exchanged) to fully open, where the families continue to meet on a regular basis.  The level of on-going contact is agreed upon prior to the adoptive placement.

When you adopt you need to make decisions about what would be a good fit for you and your family.  Are you open to transracial adoption, and do you understand everything that means?  Would you consider adopting a child with medical needs or other special needs?  If you pursue foster-adopt or international, would you consider a sibling group?  Do you understand that children who have had early trauma may need a different kind of parenting, or extra help, including therapy?  Are you willing to learn about that? 

Regardless of which type of adoption you pursue, you will have to have a home study.  A home study involves filling out financial information to show that you can support a child, filling out personal information about why you want to be a parent, what kind of parent you will be, what your family is like, and what your support system is like, what is your plan if something happens to you, etc.  You will have to get reference letters from people, usually 3-5 people, saying that you will be a good parent and can take care of a child.  You will have to be finger printed to prove you have no criminal record and that the FBI is not after you, and you will have to allow Dept of Children and Families to search you and prove you have no case against you.  Someone will come out to your home to show that you have room for a child.  If you adopt through the state, you will also have to take classes.  The home study sounds daunting; the point of the home study is to show that you have a stable life and the resources to raise a child, not that you are rich or have a big house.

As a single parent you can expect to be asked a lot of questions about why you want to adopt and what kind of support system you have.  How will you manage if the child is sick?  Who will be responsible if something happens to you?  What happens if you lose your job?  (I was grilled on all of this because I am a working mom).

Are your family and friends supportive of your plan?  Will they help you if necessary?  Don’t be surprised if they are not.  Many people do not understand how adoption works, they have only heard horror stories.  If you decide to adopt, you are going to have to educate yourself, and then educate everyone else around you.  Educating yourself and family/friends is just the beginning.  You will spend the rest of your life educating people about adoption.  And you will spend the rest of your life learning about adoption.

I know this post is long and sounds negative.  I am not at all trying to discourage you.  It is just that there are a lot of things to consider as an adoptive parent, some of which are different from becoming a biological parent.  There are people who have definite opinions about adoption, mostly not positive.  I would definitely research the different kinds of adoption and start there.  Next, I would research agencies if that is how you decide to go.  I’m sure there are many ethical adoption agencies; we wasted a lot of time and money with one that wasn’t.

Good luck on your adoption journey!

Posted by jszmom on Jun 27, 2019 at 1:51pm

Also as a single parent the courts/agencies like it if you have a person who agrees to raise the child in case of death or serious illness Cheerful aren’t we?/
I know many single dads who adopted it is not impossible

Posted by Regina on Jun 27, 2019 at 8:20pm

PS you might want to watch the movies Martian Child (single dad) Instant family (sib group) and Blind side (teen adotion) Keep in mind it is Hollywood but it teaches you a lot fast

Posted by Regina on Jun 27, 2019 at 8:22pm

Hi LEOdad99,

For some reason the responses seem to be switched on your two posts…ie all women posting under dads group!!So I’ll continue that!

Good summary jszmom! To add to it… the different types of adoption all require different types of home studies, and different classes. So you really do have to decide which appeals to you most. Also your home study must be done by an agency in your state.

So on International Adoptions not all counties that allow single parent adoptions will adopt to single men, but some will. A good place to research the requirements by country is Rainbowkids.com and US.State gov.

Good luck.

Posted by Happy Camper on Aug 04, 2019 at 5:56am

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