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Siblings


We have a 7 yr. old that we have had from birth through our state DHS. Our child has siblings but he does not know about them. Recently the birth mother had another child and we were contacted about taking the baby and so was the other family that has the other siblings. The adoptive mother with the other siblings would like for our child to meet the siblings but I’m not sure this is a good idea right now. Our child is really trying to understand what adoption is all about right now. We are just really lost on this one and don’t know what would be the right thing to do at this point. We only have one child and when he visits with his cousins he does not want to leave them. We don’t want him to be confused on why they’re not coming home with us since they’re his brothers/sisters. Has anyone else had to deal with this and how did you work through this?

Replies

You need to tell him now. Be matter of fact. Remember we talked about your birth mom? Well she wasn’t able to aren’t some other children. They live with a nice family. They are your birth siblings. Would you kike to meet them? They will not live with you they have a family and you are staying with us. There is a new baby who she couldn’t care for either. The baby is going to be adopted by us or the other family. Most children wonder re siblings. I wrote a workbook that might help called
The Confusing World of Brothers, Sisters and Adoption: The Adoption Club Therapeutic Workbook on Siblings
you can get on amazon
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=regina+kupecky
the longer you wait the more difficult it will be.
Most everybody deals with it. Most kids in care lose a sibling or two (like 89%) also most infant adoptions have siblings someday…the birth parents are unlikely to both remain childless…and internationally the same.

Posted by Regina on Sep 11, 2015 at 1:04am

Thank you so much Regina! I will check this book out.

Posted by Taetortot on Sep 11, 2015 at 1:19am

Hello Taetortot,

I can sympathize because our daughter has two siblings. The only thing is we have no way to contact them. We were open with our daughter and that seems best. However, that doesn’t mean she isn’t frustrated sometimes. When she was young we wished her birth family would give her a sibling. Maybe this is a blessing.  Good luck to you.

Posted by DSI on Sep 11, 2015 at 1:48am

I strongly recommend that you contact the other mother and begin your own version of an open adoption with the siblings including visits.  It will make the situation easier for your son.  Also if you could take the new baby that would be great so your son wasn’t the only one in your home.  You could explain that some of the siblings live there and some live here and now we are one big family. 

That sibling bond is so important and I’ve seen adopted kids turn against their adopted parents for not maintaining contact with the child’s siblings.  The older your son is when he finds out the more he will resent you not telling him.

I tell my two AD about new siblings when they happen even the 4 year old.  She may not understand but it will always be a part of her normal and I never want to keep things from my kids.

In our case some of the siblings are safe to visit and some aren’t.  The ones that are safe we make a big effort to keep in contact with.  For the other siblings I keep an electronic file of pictures and information I find on Facebook. 

Good luck and enjoy meeting the siblings.  It’s nice to know if all the kids have those same funny smiles or freckles or other physical traits.  Also to learn if the siblings all have similar personalities or are way different.

Posted by C3 on Sep 11, 2015 at 11:56am

Our son has a sister who is with another couple and we have been so lucky to just add them to our family.  We get together with and without their birthmom.  We even went camping this summer.  They have had a placement of another little boy who is now part of our family too.  Families don’t all look the same, but they can be amazing, regardless!  Your son is blessed to have the opportunity to know his siblings.  I cannot imagine some day knowing that I had siblings that I didn’t know, and even worse, knowing that my parents knew and didn’t tell me.  Tell him now.  You don’t want to erode your family trust by having him feel that you kept things from him. 

You never know, it may end up being the start of something amazing.

Posted by jwent on Sep 11, 2015 at 2:06pm

We have also had our son since he was an infant and now he is seven.  Please do everything you can to establish and nurture a relationship between your son and his siblings.  I certainly never understood how important this bond is until I saw how important my son’s brothers are to him.

He has almost no contact with b parents; he wants to know they are ok but he is not interested in visits which is good because of drug abuse, dv, etc.  But he thrives on contact with his brothers. His brothers are not with b patents either but they are placed together.  We have them over regularly and often keep them for holiday weekends.

They are a part of our family and are treated as such.  I honestly think their close bond serves all of us and will continue to serve them as they grow.

Just my opinion based on our experience.

Posted by Lucy2012 on Sep 12, 2015 at 4:03am

From extensive reading I have done it seems higher percentages of adoptees would rather a relationship with their sibs than birth parents. My 3 kiddos have other sibs and I am so thankful we are able to have a relationship. It’s a part of them, they are family and that should be preserved and nurtured if possible.  He may find it hard to leave them after visits as well but you still visit cousins and he feels the same. It will work out and be worth it.

Posted by Samsmommy on Sep 13, 2015 at 12:54pm

Thank you all so much for your advice. You all have helped me make the right decision for him!

Posted by Taetortot on Sep 15, 2015 at 6:45pm

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