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Separated father of birthsibs wants kids meet

Advice needed… the father of. My son’s birthsibs has always caused us trouble…he and bm have split( he’s not my son’s bf and doesn’t know him) bm threatened kill herself and kids n he gained Immediate custody. Anyway she doesn’t want to know my this man wants my kid to come to birthsibs party in June…..its just weird…I also don’t say anything bad about bm and don’t want him to…. He is rumored to be abusive n has never respected my boundaries. I dunno….... Looking for unbiased opinions….save ur critical judgement pls.ty


At the risk of getting creamed again, from a FFY perspective it is often better to let siblings have a sibling relationship regardless of the adults.
But you don’t mention—not that you should have, just that it’s a missing piece in my mind—whether your child knows about his siblings, if he has a relationship with them or even knows who they are. And how old is he?
If just out of the blue that the child has no idea of who these people are, and more especially if it would just be showing up at a party, getting excited about having brothers and sisters, and the father of the siblings is some kind of flake who just wants this and then will drop your child, that could be damaging (unless your son is a mature teen, for example).
Could it be that this father is just reaching out for some connection in a very odd and inappropriate way? If so, perhaps you could extend a branch back and suggest some gentler ways for the children to get to know each other in a more controlled manner. He might just be reaching out the only way he knows.
Personally, I wouldnt let “rumored to be abusive” factor into it. It’s a rumor. One often circulated about biological parents—sometimes true, sometimes not.
June is still a long way away. Could you begin a dialogue with this man so that by June you would have a better idea of whether your son will be part of his brothers and sisters live after the party?

Posted by NoraT on Mar 29, 2020 at 2:16am

What does FFY mean/stand for? He’s 7yo doesn’t know bm her choice and doesn’t know this guy or birthsibs. Guy may very well flake out n is not a great person. Perhaps ur right I should try to talk more in different ways. A lot to think about….

Posted by Birdnest on Mar 29, 2020 at 4:54pm

FFY stands for former foster youth. In this case. I agree with Nora. Ties with siblings can be so important. My daughter has 2 half siblings she has never met because their adoptive parents dont allow us contact. My daughter didnt care about them when she was younger, but around age 10 she became very curious about them. She imagines what they are like and tries to fill in the gaps about what she doesnt know about them by just inventing personalities for them. It infuriates her that she cant have any contact. I have no doubt that once shes old enough to find them online she will do it. I imagine those kids are going to have some tough questions for their parents once they learn they have a sibling they were prevented from knowing. When your son is older you want to be able to tell him you genuinely tried to let him know his siblings. That will likley mean stepping outside your comfort zone. Its fine not to attend the party if you think it will be too much, but arrange to meet for icecream or something.

Posted by rn4kidz on Mar 31, 2020 at 2:18pm

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