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Reluctant spouse

I know this story is common from my research but I don’t know how anyone else deals with it. Obviously you can’t force adoption on someone but I don’t know how to leave it be. My husband and I don’t have any children, to my knowledge we don’t have infertility issues but since my early 20s I’ve felt called to adopt. I’m 27 now and am ready to start really pursing the early stages of adoption or at least the stage where we learn more about the process. I’m not expecting to form adopt I’m the next 2 years but I’d like to start learning all we can.
The problem I’m facing is how much do I talk about it. I don’t want to nag or pressure him but I also want him to know this is still something I want to pursue. I told him when we began dating hut he passed it off as something I guess all his girlfriend’s said even though I thought I made it clear it wasn’t just tall

I’m afraid to just let it go because it’s more than a want it really is a calling and as I’m getting older it’s getting louder. Do I keep bringing it up?
I’ve started some reading of recommended books on my own but is that not advised?


It wouldn’t let me fix the typos so I’m sorry. I wrote it on my phone, and my autocorrect for some reason doesn’t recognize many words.

Posted by Heretolearn on Nov 11, 2017 at 4:59pm

I would start researching the different types of adoption (domestic infant, foster-adopt, and international) to decide which one is right for you. The book “You CAN Adopt” is a good resource to get an overview. Once you’ve decided which one you would like to pursue, ask your spouse to go with you to an informational session at an agency, and get the discussion started. But adoption is a long and difficult process, and some types are quite expensive as well. It might be difficult for someone who is not fully committed to it to see it through to the end.

Posted by rn4kidz on Nov 12, 2017 at 1:00am

Yes, read read read, as much as you can.  Even when both partners are on-board, one tends to do most of the research, and that is okay.  Adoption is a long hard road, so you need to have a better idea of what you are getting into, and then you can have a discussion with your spouse,  he may truly be against the idea, or just reluctant because the whole thing is a big unknown.

I agree with above, you need to decide what type of adoption, domestic vs international, foster-adopt vs domestic newborn.  International adoption has changed significantly in the past few years, so if that is something you are interested in, then you need to get up to date info from an agency.  The state department has a broad overview of adoption from different countries, but you would be better off talking to a couple of agencies that do international adoption. 

We did domestic newborn, because we were told that we would be unlikely to adopt a young child (we were thinking toddler) from the foster system.  I am glad we went the route we did, but it is possible to adopt babies and toddlers from foster care, although it often requires you be a foster parent first.

There is an essay on this site called “The Reluctant Spouse”, which is very well written, and i do know of a family with a similar story.  But, you may find yourself in a situation where you and your husband want very different things.

Posted by jszmom on Nov 13, 2017 at 3:37pm

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