I can’t speak for the experience of EMs but we’re currently pursuing adoption and are using a local adoption attorney for an independent adoption. While we haven’t matched yet, we chose that because it provided us more opportunity to develop a relationship with the EM. We like the fact that we get to meet her and find out her needs and expectations through all this, because really, you should be in charge. This is your baby and it’s a huge decision. You absolutely have the right to be perfectly comfortable with any adoptive parents you choose. Plus, our attorney runs a small center and deals primarily locally so the EMs get lots of individual attention.

The upside to agencies is that they often provide you with counseling when requested, but I imagine if you went with a private attorney or something and you asked for that, HAPs would be more than happy to help with that. I know I would.

In short, go with what makes you comfortable. Something like this is too huge not to. Try to evaluate what you feel is best, even if it’s not what the agency says is best. Only you know that. If the agency insists on having it their way, maybe it’s time to seek another.

Good luck! I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

Each agency is different just like each attorney; ask how each one would address your concern and pick the one that you think fits the best.  good luck.

I have personally met with a BM who was 12 weeks (which ended up to be a false start), so I know it’s your right.  I am doing an independent, private adoption. I have both a law firm and a social worker. I’ve never worked with an agency.  I know my attorneys would not make you agree to something like what your agency is asking, though.  I live in Iowa.

Although it’s still your right,  I imagine your agency wants to be protective of AP, as 13 weeks leaves a lot of time for you to change your mind. 

While maybe not the norm, I have read of BM and AP who “went the whole nine yards” to make a successful adoption plan together.

But-it’s still your right. If you feel this way, then I would probably go private.  My law firm has been handling adoptions for 40 years. Look for an attorney like that-one with plenty of experience. You’ll do just fine.

I’ll say a prayer for you to the open heart of the Virgin Madonna-she knows the way.

I agree you have to do what feels right for you and your baby.  It is important that you feel comfortable with whoever you are working with whether you use an agency or do an independent adoption and use a lawyer.  There are online sites with parent profiles also.  It will be very important that you pick adoptive parents that are a right match for you and your baby.  My husband and I are in WI and are working with a non-profit Christian agency and at the same time are pursuing independent (private adoption).  One of the most important things to us is finding a birth mom that we also have a connection with as we hope she will also be a part of our lives.  We wish you luck and will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

I second Todd’s post; simply address your concerns with the agency.  Did they explain their policy to you?  It may very well be there for your protection as well (i.e; if you are unsure about adoption in a few months, you won’t have the possible added pressure of “letting down” a potential adoptive couple weighing into your decision)

Trust your gut; if you don’t think the agency is respecting your wishes or if their policies simply don’t work for you, move on to another agency or private.  But in either situation, be sure to advocate for yourself.  If you think counseling would be helpful to you - ask for it - both before and after potential placement. 

I’m an AP in an open adoption with liberal visitation and contact.  Even though my daughter’s birthmom says she feels she made the right decision, I know it’s not easy for her.  Please take care of yourself!  You’re in my thoughts.

We are waiting for a match through a local agency as well. Our agency does not allow birth moms to match before they are 7 months along from what we have been told. I was under the impression that this was not unusual in our area.

It seems like each agency is different and maybe this is not a good match. Good luck and be blessed. The right situation will present itself I’m sure.

I think your agency is very sensible to say to wait until at least 6 months, though personally I don’t believe in prebirth matching.  An ethical agency will also remind you that you may feel different once the baby is born, especially if this is your first child.  At present you are 13 weeks pregnant and you may find that you get more attached to your child - being tied into a match will complicate your feelings.  As a previous poster said - you are not a birthmom.  You are an expectant mother like everyone else.

If you truly want to do what is in the best interest of your child, it is best to do what you can to improve your own life, so that what decision you do make at the time of the birth is made while you are in as good an emotional position as possible. 

Some may advise to disassociate yourself from your child and think of it as the prospective APs child.  Please do not do this - it is not fair on the child.  He/she needs you to think of them as your child whilst preparing for the birth.

Though all the ads and counselling will give the impression that adoption is a “trade up” for your child, the “trade off” is that you will be separating your child’s nature from their nurture - your child will always be of two worlds whether she choses to acknowledge it or not.  You do need to take that into account when making your decision. 

The wisest thing for you to do right now is to look to the future and to leave your options open as you really don’t know how you will feel at the birth - thus act as if you were planning to parent your child and improve your life accordingly - whether you parent or you end up relinquishing all rights to your child.  Your child will then appreciate that you did everything possible for them.  I have yet to hear of an adoptee of any age whose heart isn’t slightly warmed when hearing that their bmom did at least consider parenting even if it wasn’t a viable option. 

Also just keep in mind that that is in fact what you are doing - you are relinquishing ALL rights to your child and whatever happens after that is out of your hands.

I personally think a good (ethical) agency would be better for an expectant mother to work with than doing a private adoption with an attorney (with a good agency you can receive quality counseling about adoption).  I think waiting until you are 6-7 months pregnant to match with a prospective adoptive family is a good idea actually (it gives you enough time to thoughtfully choose a famly and get to know them if you would still like to make an adoption plan at that point in your pregnancy, and gives you time now to think more about adoption and to consider if that is the right option for you and your baby).

Adoption is a loving option (and I support it as an adoptee and adoptive mommy), but it is also a very important decision that needs to be carefully considered and thought about for an expectant mother (taking as much time as she needs), so I would encourage you to take this time to do that some more and to seek counseling that is objective, and takes time with you and gives you all the information that you need to make an informed decision about adoption.  I used to volunteer at a pregnancy care clinic, and they can be a good place to start to receive objective/informative counseling about adoption and to help you with any resources that you need, perhaps giving you referrals for other services/agencies that you can check out, too.  (Any counseling that you receive throughout your pregnancy should be informative to help you and not pressure you in any way in making any decisions.)  Wishing you well  

Hugs,
Kris

I agree with Kris.  You are very early in your pregnancy, and you are an expectant mother, not a birthmother.  Your feelings may change as your pregnancy progresses.  Maybe you will ultimately decide to parent, maybe you will continue to feel placing your child for adoption is right, but these are permanent, life-altering decisions. 

You probably have good reasons for considering adoption, and no one should presume to tell you what to do.  Share your concerns with the agency, but rushing to match with a prospective family this early in your pregnancy is probably not in your best interest.  You need to focus on yourself, your health, and your options.  Pregnancy is a big stress on the body, and the healthier you are, the less likely you will have complications during the pregnancy and delivery. 

BTW, a reputable adoption attorney will provide counseling to an expectant mother, as will a reputable agency.  You should be wary of anyone who pushes you into adoption without frank discussion of the issues, and without offering you counseling.

Thanks to those with positive follow up comments and suggestions. To half orphan, I haven’t felt any pressure to sign my rights over. I don’t WANT this baby. There are many reasons behind this, and a public message board is not the place for them.

I am sure the baby- when she grows up will be glad to know this.  Maybe you can write it all out for her… so she can read it when she is old enough how you did no want her.

I am sure you have your reasons… but please think of the person you are creating before you say things such as I don’t want this baby.

Regardless of the fact that you believe that you have definitively made a firm decision that will not change, it is still a good idea to wait on matching with a specific family.  Acting in your baby’s best interest means learning about the needs many to most adopted people have throughout the course of their lives, and so connecting with adult adoptees who can tell you what that has meant to them would be a very good idea.  That may provide new thoughts about what, in your opinion, makes for the best possible adopting parents. 

    It may also help you to think about what your child’s ongoing needs will be throughout his or her life—medical history (how to provide this from both the maternal and paternal side, if possible), how to provide information for the CHILD about how and why you make the decisions you are making, how you can be reassured that the adopting parents will provide that information correctly, etc…)

    As for choosing between an attorney or adoption agency, here are some things to think about.
 
  Attorneys do not have the specialized training to understand the lifelong needs of adopted children.  They do not hire social workers who have that specialized training either.  Their agenda is to make money.  They do not make it their business to make sure that prospective adoptive parents are thoroughly educated about how adopted kids’ understanding of what it means to grow up adopted and can address their psychological needs or complicated identity-building.  They are involved in marketing—not in acting in the best interests of children.

      Adoption agencies fall into two different categories.  Those who are involved in the adoption industry for $$, and those who are truly professionals—not mom-and-pop-shop types—who have a deep understanding of how complicated it is for a child to grow up as an adoptee, and assess prospective parents for their ability to really help, educate prospective parents adequately, hire social workers to be ON STAFF (not mere satellite workers so that they don’t bear any accountability if they make poor decisions about the families they approve and something goes wrong), AND offer follow-up services for adopted kids and their adoptive parents.  The responsible, PROFESSIONAL adoption agencies also offer counseling for expectant parents (who MAY become “birth parents” IF they decide not to parent) and provide services after the birth of the child—don’t just drop birth parents afterward because they no longer have the product they wanted to get their hands on because of the large amount of money involved in adoption transactions. 

    The more professional agencies typically have a department that works with expectant parents—offers counseling and a large host of resources for them if and when they decide to parent instead of place.  And an entirely separate adoption department.  That’s because it better insures that expectant parents are not pressured to sign away their parental rights, and that prospective parents don’t have the opportunity to apply guilt to expectant parents when they consider parenting the child. 

    I agree that the term “birth parent” is for parents who have birthed a child and whose parental rights have been legally terminated—and NOT for those expecting a child.  I also am deeply offended when someone refers to a birth mother as a BM.  That is usually an abbreviation for something else which is not socially appropriate to mention, here.  We have several birth mothers (and birth fathers) who are cherished members of our extended family and with whom I am privileged to share the role of parent. 

    Further, I would ask prospective parents to understand that not every expectant parent who MAY become a “birth parent,” is Christian!  Some are Muslim, others Buddhist, others Jewish, and still others are agnostic or non-believers.  They would be highly offended by someone presuming to think that they’d be pleased to have someone praying to the Virgin Mary on their behalf. 

  The ability to see things from others’ point of view, and not assume that everyone thinks/believes/feels as they do—is the core of being an EFFECTIVE adoptive parent—given that an adopted child is highly unlikely to see things the way their parents do.  If a prospective parent cannot or won’t grasp the reality that not everyone is a person of faith or shares the SAME religious beliefs that they hold, that, to me, is a red flag warning that they won’t be sensitive to the CHILD’s needs and feelings and way of seeing things.

With all due respect to Ms Brown, there are good and bad attorneys just as there are good and bad agencies.  Our adoption attorney did provide counseling to the birthparents of our children and did have social workers involved with both sets of birthparents, social workers who had experience dealing with expectant mothers and adopted children. 

The important point is that you should feel comfortable with whomever you work with, and you should not feel pressured by anyone as to what your decision should be.  You should be receiving as much information and support as you need to make the decision that you feel is right for you and your child.