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Dealing With a Loss in Adoption

Our hearts are broken

My DH and I got matched with a birth mom 2 weeks ago and they told us she was due Dec. 20th and it was a baby boy. That same week we met her and it was amazing. We became so excited and started preparing for our baby boy. We were anxiously awaiting her call for when she was ready to deliver. We live 2 1/2 hours away from her and so we knew that time was of the essence when we got her call. We got the call this past Saturday and we rushed to the hospital. I was told there that she wanted me in the delivery room and that she was getting a c-section. I got in my scrubs and was whisked away to the operating room. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. A million things were floating through my head and then I heard it…his first cry. I was so excited and then we get our big surprise…its not a boy, it’s a girl! I was still so excited and while birth mom fell asleep because of the anethesia, they brought her to me. I fall in love with her right away. She asked if I could spend the night because she didn’t want to be by herself and take care of our baby girl. The hospital graciously gave us a hospital room next door to her and we spent our first night with our daughter. It was amazing. My DH and I would take turns feeding her and we were just so in love with her. 22 hours after she was born we get the agonizing phone call. She wants to keep her. She told us if it was a boy we would have kept him, but because it was a girl it changed things for her. She already has a 3 old boy and having a girl would complete their family. We were absolutely devastated and heart broken. We had to drive 2 1/2 hours back home with no baby and us feeling this unimaginable sorrow. We are sad but mostly we are so mad. We have an amazing support system around us but I will never forget our beautiful daughter. For 22 hours we were parents to this beautiful little miracle and I will never forget the moment I had to say goodbye.


I am so sorry for the heartbreak you must be feeling right now. While I never went through this kind of loss I did go through two failed potential matches that were very heartbreaking to me and sent me into a bit of a depression for a while. I can’t imagine how much worse it is to actually hold that little one in your arms only to have to let them go.

While I have no magic words that will make the pain go away what I can offer is hope. We felt like giving up but I’m so thankful we didn’t because a few months later we were matched and our daughter was born. I have heard from countless others about their journeys, their failed placements and having to say goodbye to what they thought would be their child. Sometimes it was after as long as 2 weeks caring for the child. They felt like they would never recover and considered just accepting that they would never be parents. But then their miracle happened. Sometimes right away and sometimes a year or even two later. But it happened.

Adoption is not for the weak. When people ask me about our journey or tell me they are considering it that is what I tell them. Not to scare them but because that is just the reality of it. You have to be strong to go through what we do.

Stay strong. You will have your miracle. But for now, let yourself grieve your loss because that is what it is. I’m not sure you ever fully get over it and you will probably think of this little girl from time to time. But one day you will be holding your child and it will all make sense.

Posted by KChiarilli on Dec 19, 2017 at 7:48pm

Thank you so much! Reading this gives me great comfort. We definitely haven’t given up and we know God has a bigger plan for us.

Posted by carlita213 on Dec 19, 2017 at 9:00pm

Thoughts and so many prayers to you and your spouse. We had a very similar loss exactly three years ago. We fell in love with who we thought was our beautiful boy and then were devastated. We had to drive across the country about 22 hours without “our baby”. Absolutely devastating. I sought grief counseling for this loss and it did help. I still think of this baby frequently and you will too…
We meet our “own son ” 3 months later and the adoption went very smoothly like he was always meant to be. We still remember our loss three years later despite knowing we would not have our precious son if we hadn’t experienced the loss of the other. Our son is so worth the wait. Just wish adoption wasn’t so hard. Peace and love to you. I know it’s even harder during the holidays…

Posted by tls on Dec 22, 2017 at 3:01am

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