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I need some advice on how to handle my two boys questions about their birth parents.

Our story - The boys (18 months and 3) and their 11 yr old sister were taken away from their birth parents due to substance abuse. Children’s Aid always held that the parents are very good people they just lost their way. After 18 months the judge deemed them crown wards.

The sister did not want to be adopted out and went to her god mother. She was a huge part of the boys life and we continued to maintain contact with her and the maternal grandmother. As the parents were still “sick”, we talked to the boys about it through the past three years but they have never met them. We told them that the parents were sick and the judge asked us to take care of them.

A year ago the biological mother had another healthy, susbatance free!!! Baby and have been clean since. The older sister, now 15 has been placed back in the home with her biological parents.

We have been picking her up and dropping her of at their home but have not yet met the biological parents and the boys (now 4 & 6) have been asking to meet them.

I am not sure my 6 year old is ready. He is still very confused about the whole thing and still asks all the time when he is going to live with them again. When his sister and grandmother visit he also gets very angry and upset for a few days later.

I don’t know what to do now. There is no question that if the biological parents stay healthy we will meet them. But I am not sure what is next. I feel as though we should wait until they can understand it. But I don’t really know.

Replies

There is no magic day when they will understand it. It sounds like you might need some help. Are there professionals (social workers therapists) in your area who are experts in this? You could ask the agency. The six year old needs to be able to express his sadness and anger. Birth mother keeping two children and not him may make him feel he is at fault.

A life book that tells the truth might be a good project or a time line. Understanding time is developmentally difficult at his age.

I wrote a series of workbooks. Some might help him as they allow the child to express his feelings and participate.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=regina+kupecky

It must be very confusing to him.

Posted by Regina on Aug 28, 2017 at 1:54pm

First of all I would not continue to say that they asked for you to take care of them.  That implies that they will be returning to the birth parents.  Tell him that birth parents were sick and could not care for children so you adopted them so they could have a forever home.  Sister was old enough to go temporarily to a family member and was not adopted.  This points out the difference.  Then start buying some age appropriate adoption books and read them.  The life book is also a good idea.  It may be time to explain that some people take medicine to get well but some people take it and they get sick.  Tell them that their siblings will always be their siblings but they will have different parents.  Make sure you show empathy for the birth parents but be firm that the kids are with you forever and it was for their safety.  You are their parents and will always protect them.

Posted by C3 on Aug 29, 2017 at 1:38am

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