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Open Adoption Families
Open Adoption Nightmare
When we meet with our Birthmother the first time (we had know her briefly in the past) about the possibility of adopting her unborn child we couldn’t believe how well we all got along. She and I bonded over the next few months of me taking her to doctor appointments, ultrasounds and etc… We couldn’t believe how lucky we were to have such a great situation.
Then things started to change. She started calling me in the middle of the night telling me she was having second thoughts. She would flip flop from day to day. I can’t imagine giving up my child and I don’t pretend to understand the emotions that she was going through but, she would call me up and tell me off and then hang up. This got continually worse until the birth of our son.
The day our son was born was amazing. She let us be there for the birth and I was even able to cut his cord and she let us give him our last name and everything.
Before the birth we had agreed to a very open adoption. We agreed to letters, pictures, and visits. We felt very comfortable with this at the time.
Our son is now 8 months old and she has been calling me once a week asking me for money and gifts and has even asked us to buy her a car. When I tell her no she tells me how horrible we are and that she regrets picking us!
I will always be grateful for the difficult decision she made and the amazing gift she gave us but, I can no longer allow her to be in our lives in this way!
How do we end this cycle without hurting our son in the end?
Replies
Oh, I am SO sorry. I can’t imagine going through something like that. Did you meet through an adoption agency or facilitator? Perhaps they could advise you on handling the situation. Not knowing details, I wonder ...is the birthmother incredibly young and immature? bipolar? Or is this just her personality? I pray that there’s a way to create respectful distance without cutting ties completely. I wish I had more specific advise…please let us know how it works out. Praying for you all…
I am so sorry too. I have no real advice, unfortunately, but I agree with your assessment that you can no longer allow your relationship with her to continue in this manner. Lara’s advice of talking to your agency or facilitator (if you have that as an option) sounds like a good first step.
This is such a hard/emotional thing to deal with but the best thing to do is get in touch with your social worker (whomever was helping you with the adoption, ie agency, etc) and have them contact the birth mom discuss how to implement boundries with her. I had some issues too with my b.m. about the time my son was 2 yo…but after getting my boundries clear we “took a little break” in our communication for a few months and then started back slowly. We are great friends today BUT I do keep myself in check about my own boundries…
You don’t have to cut her out of your life and your son’s life but you CANNOT have her disturbing your family with this behavior. Your adoption is done and finalized, and you must protect your family first and foremost. Trust me, that is BEST for your son.
Thank you all for your great advice… Our b.m. was diagnosed with Bipolar disease and a few other mental illnesses. She is not young (mid 20’s) but, is very immature.
We have tried going the Social Worker route but, she will not accept any calls from the agency. She also refused pre-placement counciling. (The law in our state requires 2 hours which she used to fill out her background and health history forms.)
I think I will suggest a break and hope for the best.
Thank you all!
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