Good for you for raising this question in the forum. I would like to give you my thoughts in the hope that that will be helpful to you. As an adoption therapist, I work with adopted youngsters in groups, and over the years have learned a great deal from them about when specific issues arise that they may not ask about, even though they have many questions, thoughts, assumptions, and theories. 

    Typically at her age, children are just beginning to sort out who all the players are in their adoption story: birth mother, birth father, foster parents (if they spent time in foster care), adoptive mom, adoptive dad, and so on.  They are beginning to grasp that they really DID have a family before they were adopted, and that that family was their birth mother and birth father.  Since that is who we tend to talk with them about, they do not automatically connect the dots that they may have siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins in that first family—their birth family. 

  Just as adoptive parents are encourage to begin to talk about adoption and birth parents right from the beginning, so that it is normal, natural, comfortable, and familiar for children TO discuss this from an early age, I think its just as good an idea to start to talk about half-siblings in their birth families. too.  Children tend to take whatever we adults say at face value, while they are quite young.  As their cognitive development expands, they can think more independently and THEN the questions begin to form. Sometime prior to the tween years, most grasp the fact that they probably have half-siblings, if they do not know for sure from their child history summaries or from having direct contact with their birth parents. 

  The information is not harmful or overwhelming to the children. It is no easier for them to receive it later instead of sooner.  It is US who wrestle so much with what to say, when!  The earlier and more matter-of-factly we give them all of the information we have TO give, the more openly our children will discuss that with us.  When there are secrets suddenly revealed, the fact that you with held information tends to breed shame and questions about why YOU were so uncomfortable with sharing whatever it is. 

    You already have the foundation in place—she knows “the ladies.”  You just have to help her to connect the dots and know that since they are her birth mother’s daughters, that makes them her sisters! Once you have shared that, you can also tell her that she has other siblings who are her birth father’s children.

  You will want to be prepared, soon after that, to help her begin to understand why those siblings live with her birth mother and birth father, while she moved to your family.  She’ll need you to give her the information more than once—as many times as she needs you to in order to have all of her questions answered.  If and when she DOES ask questions, give her lots of positive feedback so as to encourage her to ask more, whenever they arise for her. 

  Good luck!  Take a deep breath and give her the information you have.  You will do a great job—you’re her beloved mom and she WANTS to hear such details from you.

Jane A.Brown, MSW

This is a topic a lot of adoptive families face.  Therefore, there have been plenty of articles about birth siblings.  Here are some which I found for you…

When Your Child Has Birth Siblings

Ask the Open Adoption Expert: Birth Siblings

Other Brothers (and Sisters!)

Questions About Birth Siblings

Danielle
AFC Community Moderator

Jane, I love what you said and agree that in general, the more comfortable we are with what we’re saying and when we’re saying it, the more comfortable they’ll be.  I just wanted to add that kids enjoy activities where they can see what they’re learning.  If you were to do a big family tree, or as Joyce Pavao would say, a family orchard, with her, it would be a way to discover together where to place all of the important people in her life.  That way, she could be engaged in creating it and it’s not so much you “telling her the truth.”