I understand this behavior can be challenging and frustrating. Please try to understand that this is typical survival behavior for an older adopted child. Also, taking food out of your own fridge isn’t stealing, but might be hoarding, and again, is not uncommon in older adopted children. What I think your child needs right now is lots of love and reassurance that she is safe, especially when she is acting out! I was taught for example, to do “time In” and not “time out.” Sit with her and don’t confront or demand an apology or confession. Ask her what’s upsetting her and validate that this is a big and hard change she’s going through.

And as far as the taking food goes, why not give her a bowl of healthy snacks in the fridge that she is allowed to help herself to anytime. That might ease her anxiety. If she’s taking other things, perhaps give her a small allowance for doing an easy simple task.

But mostly, take a deep breath and try to understand the meaning behind the behavior. What needs are your daughter trying to express? And how can you take care of those needs in a loving way?

I agree that this is frustrating and challenging behavior, I’m sorry you are having to experience it with out a ‘honeymoon’ period to build off of. It’s very typical for kids from foster care and abusive (or whatever caused their removal from birth family) households to ‘steal’ although I agree that it’s more like hoarding. These kids feel like nothing is really theirs to keep forever and feel the need to get security, or even revenge by taking and hiding things. Let her know she needs to learn to ask first and that you will say yes as often as possible to show her she is a permanent part of your family with things of her own that she can keep forever if she wants to. Also with the food, what I’ve found that works is to put a plastic bin with a lid in the child’s room that contains snacks she can have anytime she wants, that are hers alone. These kids have had food withheld and used as punishment more times than you want to know and need to know they have some control over food or it can very easily turn into an eating disorder of some type. Anyway, I’m saying a prayer for you all and wish you well in this journey. You are doing a great job, keep it up!

I agree with both the other responses that her “stealing” is more likely hoarding since she has probably had times in her life when she hasn’t know when or if she could eat for periods of time.  I also like the suggestion of “time in” rather than time out.  Time outs don’t always work well with kids who have been punished inappropriately or abused.  Try to understand her behavior from her point of view.  She isn’t trying to be bad.  She’s doing things she’s learned in the past to help her survive.  Bickering and fighting with her sibling may have been the only way she could get any attention in the past.  So if she fights with the other kids in the house, give her a “time in” where she has to sit quietly near you.  That way she has a chance to calm down and rather than being shut away from the rest of the family, she is in physical proximity to you. 

I also highly recommend the article at this link. 

http://main.zerotothree.org/site/DocServer/vol26-5b.pdf?docID=2461

I’ve posted it before.  It’s about how to understand and help a child with serious attachment issues.  It gives some great, concrete advice which could be useful to parents in general and not just those dealing with kids who have abuse or neglect in their histories. 

Good luck and remember, there is a reason for her disruptive behavior.  Figuring out how to help her will also help grow that trust between you.

I have also heard she can have her own stash of little snacks in her room. Another great idea is each day you pick out a little treat (a mini box of raisins and a tootsie roll for example) which she can put in her pockets. Some kid will find it calming to have the snack actually on them.
My heart goes out to them! I can not imagine developing as they did. Please hang in there.
I agree with the other thread, don’t focus on the lying or stealing… she is huffy and aggreived because she knows its wrong. Focus on the pain that is prompting her to do this and comfort her. Reassure her that she doesn’t have to do these things.

I know someone who was discovered at 4 years old living with his 2 year old brother in a dumpster.  His mother was gone (he has never learned where) and his father also.  The father in the foster home where he was placed (separately from his brother)  would not let him take food from the refrigerator.  So the boy attacked his foster parent with a baseball bat. It was that life threatening to him.  The judge at the hearing ruled in the boys favor after his lawyer explained this.  Your new child (or children - it is not clear which) may not have had quite as bad a life, but you never know.  A lot of drug addicts,or mentally ill parents leave their children for long periods of time without basic essentials.

I agree with the above about giving her her own food stash.  Make sure she has a snack and meals at regular times.  Plus show her the food you have stored in the house, involve her in food shopping, talk with her about when and what the next meal will be, and when the next day you will go grocery shopping together. I would not make a big deal of the other stealing either, just gently give it back and give her a time in close to you, and kindly tell her she is welcome to ask and borrow things.  Also get her some of her own. (But really it may be a security for her to have those things that belong to others.) 

I have raised a lot of dogs who were rescued off the streets. Though they obviously are not children, even though very well fed by me, they all continued for 1 - 2 years stealing food when they could (and burying it) and I was guaranteed to come home any time I was away even briefly to my shoes and items of my clothes in a little nest they had made.  One dog even stole a friends 2 year old child’s hair band.  It was a fake leopard one with ears.  My friend and I had quite a laugh as we saw him nab that right out of their car and run off like it was a prize bone and bury it!!  (Her child however was not amused.) While you might think an older child might have more control/ or know better…the instinct for survival is the same.

By the way the boy above was given the option and did choose to be moved to a different foster home after the hearing,  Eventually he reunited with his brother.  As an adult, he searched for and found his father (who had returned home from prison), and many years later he took in and provided a home for an older step sister when his father died.  He is a thoughtful, kind, honest and product-full member of society.

Thank you all for this feedback.  It’s very useful and interesting.

I know you all really do not mean to but It always gives my heart a jump when you compare adoptive children to adoptive animals or dogs.  It really is not nice and it makes me very sad.  While I see the comparison here and why you used it- I don’t think it was necessary.

I really reccommend the books (there are 2)  Beyond Consequences to try some discipline techniques for this fear-based behavior ... book 2 has entire chapters devoted to exactly this.  It worked for my foster child.  Maybe worth a try?

Thank you for the book recommendations.  I’m ordering them now!

Another perspective… While I can appreciate the negative feelings that an older child might have after the adoption process and coming into a new home… and certainly there must often need to be a time for concern and counseling.  It’d be sad to blame all negative behaviors on adoption. Don’t all children “test” their parents, annoy their siblings, and take what doesn’t belong to them at some point? 

I’ve actually never heard about the “honeymoon” period after placement.  When I think about the parents I know (through both natural birth and adoption) some have good periods of behavior and some have bad… a growing process at many stages of the child’s life as well as the parent’s life.

Just a thought…

I never had a honeymoon after being placed. I think a honeymoon is something you do after getting married. I just read about a babymoon, something you do before the child is born, one last hurrah before reality rears its ugly head. No holiday once the kid shows up. That’s when it’s time to start work, not to slack off or coast.

When older children enter a family they often have a period called “the honeymoon”. The child is on extra good behaviors and the parents begin to doubt all the reports and think the child “just needed permanency” Then eventually the child’s grief, trauma. etc come out usually in behaviors. This peaceful honeymoon period can be a few days, a few months or whatever. Very common with older adoptions.