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New Waiting Family


Hello Everyone!

I’m very excited to meet everyone and talk to other families that are in the same situation that my husband and I are in.  I’m hoping being able to talk to other parents going through the same things will help make the waiting easier.

My husband and I finished our home study in September, and are currently waiting to get the call that a birth mom has chosen us.  I will say I feel as though I am losing my mind at times.

We recently found out that our profile was shown to a birth mom a couple of weeks ago, but she chose another family.  I am both super excited and very bummed.  I’m excited because it finally made everything seem real: if that mom had picked us, we’d be getting ready to bring the baby home!  But I’m also sad because she did not pick us.

I’m also wanting to get the baby’s room ready, but my husband, being the practical person that he is, wants to wait until we’re at least matched with a mom before doing anything.  It’s hard, because I’m ready and want to start nesting, and he’s so cautious, he’s the complete opposite. 

How do I find a happy medium of between our two approaches?  Any thoughts or help?

Replies

My son is now 15 months old and he was NO DOUBT meant to be our son.  He even looks like us!  The waiting was the most difficult part and this is going to sound so discouraging but we waited almost 4 years for him. We were not that open-minded when it came to birthmother situations which is why we waited an eternity.  In the beginning I wanted to start decorating our nursery but I am so glad I did not.  Keeping a journal of your journey is a great idea!  Maybe slowly adding to your registry if you feel up to doing that as well.  We just finished updating our homestudy recently as we are hoping to adopt our 2nd child soon.  The waiting stinks.  But you have to believe that your baby is out there.  When the time is right,  you will get him or her!!! For both of our sakes, I hope it is soon!  Good luck!

Posted by btf1120 on Feb 24, 2017 at 3:35pm

I can understand what you are going through because we went through it as well, but I would ask you what your instincts tell you? The whole process to get to the point that you and your Husband are at has taken a good deal of time. From the first-time our profile book was sent out to the birth of our child was 3 weeks! I had a car seat and an empty diaper bag. Thank goodness for Amazon Prime. In that very brief period we had a separate Baby Born situation in which the BM chose to Parent. I didn’t want to decorate an entire Nursery to pull on my heart, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to get the essentials. We were warned not to, but it made for a furious few days of preparation,  because that’s all we had. Just wanted to share our experience.  Please pray for us. We Finalize our Adoption next week. Beyond excited!

Posted by Hope43 on Feb 24, 2017 at 3:50pm

Hope43, what agency/state are you adopting from? congratulatons!

debbaldauf, our son also ended up being a stork drop!!! meaning we had enough time to pack our bags and drive to the hospital where he was born!!!! so you never know! smile

Posted by btf1120 on Feb 24, 2017 at 4:14pm

My husband and I are in the same situation as you. We are now in the waiting family pool and hoping for that magic call. I want to pack the baby’s room full of things and my husband wants to wait. But we’ve found a good balance so far. We don’t know the gender or special needs of our future child yet, and we also might come home with twins. This has helped me reign in the desire to create a nursery. It’s also very hard to stare at an empty baby room for years. But, as the folks above pointed out, it’s good to be prepared for an instant-baby! Have a carseat, a small pack of diapers, and 2-3 essentials. Not only is it fun to pick them out and buy them, but it helps you enjoy the stage you’re in. You’re expecting! You just don’t know how long you’ll have to wait.

I agree with the suggestion from btf1120, too. When you’re feeling the urge to nest or shop, add items to a registry. It saves you time later and it’s fun!

Posted by NewOregonMom on Feb 24, 2017 at 6:13pm

Thank you so much for your responses.  I keep going back and forth.  Sometimes it seems like the waiting is torture!  But I understand my husband’s point as well.  I think for right now, I’ll start preparing in my own way.  I’ll start making some lists of things that will need to get done, so when the time comes, we don’t have to think about absolutely everything, and we can at least just check off the list.  smile

Posted by debbaldauf on Feb 24, 2017 at 6:14pm

Yes, the waiting was tough, because there was nothing to do…  I understand your husband’s reluctance, as I myself was worried that I would “jinx it” by getting ready ahead of time.  I ended up buying things but putting them away in the back of my closet. 

Honestly, you really only need a car seat and a place for baby to sleep (like a pack and play or bassinet), everything else you can get later.  Also, you will find that it is very difficult to find generic baby clothes, i.e. that would work for a boy or a girl, because almost everyone knows the sex of baby beforehand. 

What you may want to do is ask friends and relatives for hand me downs or stuff you can borrow.  There are lots of things that baby will only use for a little while, bouncy seats, boppy chairs, etc, that you can probably borrow for the short time you will need them.  Check out baby consignment stores, or if there is a sale in your area (“Once Upon a Child”).  You would be surprised at the stuff you can find in good condition, sometimes even new that people didn’t open.  It is very easy to spend a ton of money on baby stuff that you won’t use.  We were loaned an infant swing that my baby hated; so glad I didn’t pay for it.

I agree with reading.  I spent a lot of time reading about adoption, but wish we had spent more time just reading about babies.  My husband had no experience with newborns, so he felt a bit overwhelmed at first… Lots of conflicting advice out there, so it is helpful to read some beforehand. 

Lastly, spend as much couple time as you can.  With our first adoption, the wait was over a year, with our second, we were matched within four weeks and parents again 10 days later.  You just never know.

Posted by jszmom on Feb 24, 2017 at 6:38pm

We are in the same boat.Waiting is the hardest thing. We are Foster parents so we made our room ready early. That is both good and bad. We keep hoping we can adopt but the state choses us absolutely last.

However we are with Lifetime Adoptions as well…https://lifetimeadoption.com/family/?al-cheryl
And what they mentioned might help. Nest in a blog. You can usually make it secret.

Your future child will likely come there again and again as this will be a beautiful part of his/her story.

Posted by Waiting inWa1998 on Feb 24, 2017 at 6:40pm

Just 8 short years ago my husband and I were in your very situation.  Our happy medium was to start a baby registry with a fictitious due date.  You can always keep changing that date! Go ahead do the research those items and add them to your registry! Even buy some if you want… You can always just put them away in a closet and wait for “the day!”  That registry was wonderful! After 14 months, we got “the call” one week and placed with our baby the next! You just never know! Best wishes to you on your journey. It is a very long road, but very very rewarding In the long run!

Posted by pednurse91 on Feb 24, 2017 at 7:20pm

These are great ideas!  I will have to check out the registries.  I have to admit, it’s been kind of hard to focus on anything lately because of this.  And there’s a lot I need to do!  I’m taking classes to finish an education endorsement, so I can finally have my own classroom.  I know I need to concentrate on these things, especially to make sure we can give our baby the best possible home we can, but it’s so hard!  Lol.

Posted by debbaldauf on Feb 25, 2017 at 1:08am

My son’s birthmother liked the pictures we had of the nursery in our profile book. We had it partially set up well before we were matched. With DD, we had a failed match, and had gotten the room ready during that time.

I’m a big believer in having everything set up in advanced.

Also, until she has placed, a pregnant woman considering adoption is just an expectant mom. I know everyone in the adoption industry calls them “birthmoms” but that’s not the case.

Good luck on your adoption journey!

Posted by rredhead on Feb 26, 2017 at 3:46am

Hello - its been awhile since anyone has replied to this thread ...debbaldauf - have you been matched yet ???

My husband and I have been waiting for 14 months, have had one disruption, well actually it turns out the Birth mom was scamming us and another family out of money. This just happened about 2 months ago and needless to say we have so many emptions running through us, and doubt about this process in the biggest one of all. We are “trying” are hardest to get past it and hope that we get matched soon.

The waiting is just.so.damn.hard. but we perservere nonetheless.

We struggle with being in our late 40’s and doing this ... but it took 3 miscarriages and one failed adoption through the county to finally get us to the point of going private.

Baby dust to all!!

Someone said it earlier - but I will reiterate - don’t live day to day for the waiting - enjoy your life in the meantime.

Lotuslover

Posted by Lotuslover on Sep 06, 2017 at 10:16pm

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