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Dealing With a Loss in Adoption

Never Connected

My wife and I have been waiting for almost 30 months to be connected to a birth mother.  We have 2 weeks left in our agency contract and are feeling the disbelief, despair, and shock that we were never chosen. 

We are feeling lost and at times, angry.  We never thought in a million years that we would be among the selected few not chosen. 

What to do now????

Seeking support and guidance.

Thank you


You can give up and not adopt.

You can talk to the agency and ask why they think you were never chosen. Does your material need something else?

You can switch to another agency.

You can switch to another kind of adoption like international and/or foster care

You can keep on trying.

You can look at your request (is it gender specific? tight on drug’alcohol use? Willingness to be open?) and see if changing the parameters opens up more opportunities.

It is very hard to wait and not be able to do something to make what you want so badly happen.

If you really want to adopt don’t give up. Year 4 could be magic.

Posted by Regina on Sep 25, 2016 at 11:48am

I am so sorry.  It is hard not to want to throw in the towel.  But see if you can regroup…maybe explore adopting from foster care?  Good luck.

Posted by mamallama on Sep 25, 2016 at 12:39pm

you hear stories about families chosen or matched immediately in all types of adoption, but the reality is that all types of adoption can take years. 2.5 years is starting to stretch it, but isn’t completely outrageous.  talk with the agency, find out if they have any insight as to why you might have been chosen. could be something in your profile, maybe your criteria are too narrow,  but also possible maybe the agency just hasn’t had that many referrals. since your contract is expiring, maybe time to go with a new agency. I’ve also been waiting for a referral for 30 months (trying to adopt from foster care, my worker was originally confident i would be matched in under 9 months) so I completely understand how difficult it is to not be chosen and how long the wait is. but I wouldn’t give up just yet!

Posted by rn4kidz on Sep 26, 2016 at 12:03am

This is why I think we expiration dates for any agency is bull crap. Our facilitator didn’t have an expiration date and told us she would never stop until we found our child.

If you can you should look into another agency, one without an expiration. Also maybe redo your profile book, update it with new pictures, and get others opinions on it.

Good luck!

Posted by KChiarilli on Sep 26, 2016 at 5:50pm

So for some reason this agency hasn’t been able to match you at all.  Sounds to me like you need new agency!!!  We decided to use a adoption consultant.  You may want to consider that too.  Our consultants have relationships with over 45 agencies & lawyers.  They helped us with our profile, letter to birthmom and what to expect.  I am so glad we are using them.  They are A Step Ahead Consultants. 

  I wish you luck.  Do not give up, just try different avenues.  (((HUGS)))

Posted by Mellyjoy on Sep 29, 2016 at 12:44am

I had to do the math. 30 months sounds like such a long time. But, it’s less than 3 years. That’s how long it took us to be connected with an expectant mother. You are not among the “selected few not chosen.” I know it feels like that, but believe me long wait times are not uncommon. Maybe your particular agency makes different promises, but 2.5 years is not abnormal. Not ideal, perhaps barely tolerable, but certainly not abnormal.

I agree that it may be time to switch agencies, change up your portfolio etc.  Do something different, if only to have some sense of control.

But, don’t give up. For 2 years I had this phrase as the screen saver on my phone “Never Give Up On Something You Can’t Go A Day Without Thinking About.”

No one picked us, and no one picked us, again and again. Until The One picked us.

Don’t give up.

Posted by wannabe on Sep 29, 2016 at 8:34am

Don’t give up!
Your child is right around the corner…
Remember that what stands between you and your child is paperwork and staff…
This child deserves that you don’t give up on him or her…
So that you don’t think “easy to say” I have been there and all of a sudden, I received a call that my baby was to be born a week later… :D

Posted by Mile on Sep 30, 2016 at 9:01pm

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