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Dealing With a Loss in Adoption

Need some prayers of healing and encouragement..

Hello all-

My husband and I have been matched with a birthmother for four months. We got the call this morning that she was in labor, hurrying to pack our bags, booked our flights and as we were sitting in the airport to catch our plane ” got a call from our agency that she had changed her mind. Devastated would be an understatement. This is our second failed adoption, on top of four miscarriages. We are trusting in God‘s plan, but it doesn’t make this process any easier. Any words of encouragement and any prayers of healing would be greatly appreciated ’”😢


I can’t even begin to imagine the devastation you and your husband are feeling at this moment. My husband and I are struggling with our emotions going through this process as well. We have yet to be matched, but are already anxious thinking about the day we are and the process that will come afterwards. It is difficult to balance the emotions of being excited at the prospect of becoming a parent but also the fear at the realization that your fate of becoming that parent rests in the hands of someone that is totally out of your control. These types of situations will never be easy, but I do find comfort in that every situation I have experienced in my life that was difficult or I didn’t understand in the moment led to something wonderful down the road that otherwise would not have happened if that original situation did not fall through. Know that there is a baby out there for you and your husband. A baby that is meant just for your family. I am not sure why you have to go through the hardships you have to get there rather than just a long wait, but you will definitely cherish and appreciate that little baby you do one day get to bring home to your family. Continue to be positive and know that you are not the only one going through the struggle and lean on each other to continue to make your own relationship stronger in these extremely tough moments. You are both in our prayers.

Posted by KMO on Dec 13, 2017 at 12:50pm

So sorry that you are going through this.  You can absolutely grieve for the loss of this baby while understanding that the expectant mom had every right to decide to parent her child.  You can feel both of those things at the same time. 

We had several false starts and one devastating failed match before becoming parents through adoption.  We had another failed match before our second adoption.  I would tell you to talk with each other, because very few people understand.  (You can look in the archives on this site, there are several discussions about failed matches)  You just have to get through this, and feel the way you feel, and know that something wonderful is on the other side of “this”, just as KMO says, even if you can’t see how that could be.

My thoughts are with you.

Posted by jszmom on Dec 13, 2017 at 2:06pm

Thank you so much, KMO and jszmom. Your comments mean so VERY much to us. Thank you for taking the time to offer us words of encouragement.

Posted by Lgiese on Dec 14, 2017 at 4:09am

I am so very sorry. It just all seems like too much. Why does it have to be so hard? I asked myself that through years of infertility, years of waiting to adopt. I don’t have any words to comfort you right now, because you are going through a kind of grief. Grief for something that was never yours is grief just the same.

I can tell you that, my adopted daughter is almost 2 and a half. And she is the greatest joy in my life. There is no reason why I should be allowed to be this particular little girl’s mother. No reason why I should be the one she runs to and says “a hug”. No reason why it should be my hand that she pulls towards her and holds to her cheek and says “Happy day”. My body could never have made this child. And all those expectant mothers who didn’t choose me and my husband could not have made her either. She is the only child, the only child to teach me what love really feels like.

It will happen for you. And the pain of the past doesn’t disappear. But, when you are holding your child in your arms one day (I pray for you that it is soon) you will know that every step has led you to your true love. It will be okay then, because all this pain was the only way to get there.

Posted by wannabe on Dec 14, 2017 at 9:32am

Wannabe, that is so beautifully said!!

Posted by jszmom on Dec 16, 2017 at 4:38am

Yes, so beautiful. Bring tears to my eyes. Thank you.

Posted by Lgiese on Dec 16, 2017 at 5:19pm

My thoughts and prayers for you and your spouse during this very painful time. We had a devastating similar loss exactly three years ago. Sadly I know the extra pain and loss the holidays bring and I am sending extra prayers of peace and comfort to you both. Still three years later, I still feel the loss of the beautiful boy we fell in love with…yet not meant to be ours.  I sought grief counseling for this loss and it did help me.
We have this made it through another failed match and have successfully adopted two awesome and amazing boys. God has blessed us immensely ...just not when we wanted. Your children will be SO worth the wait too. Peace and love to you…

Posted by tls on Dec 18, 2017 at 2:26am

I forgot to add my mantra…
Do not give up, you will be parents!

Posted by tls on Dec 18, 2017 at 2:33am

I’m sorry you’ve had such heartache. Praying for you as you continue your journey.

Posted by Adoption Hopes on Feb 17, 2018 at 2:23am

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