Ugh.  I haven’t been in this position, but I wouldn’t agree to those terms.  Have you considered the possiblity of hiring your own attorney?  It might be a good idea in this case.

I agree, you should get some advice from your own attorney. Have the agreement worded so you can change it if yiu feel contact is no longer in the best interest of your child. Our open agreement was contingent upon the BM initiating visits and if she didn’t do it within a certain amount of time (which she didn’t) we were no longer obligated to have contact. We want our children to have contact but not to have her drop in and out of their lives when it suited her. I send pictures and she does call me for updates but that is as much as I am allowing at this point. Not sure if that helps…good luck.

We have a visitation agreement with the BM parents. But we stated in our agreement that they had to make the call when they wanted to see him. It has been almost a year and we have not heard from them. It is sad, but I am o.k. with it for now. It gets confusing for the child. I would seek the advice of an adoption attorney and make sure it is worded properly. In most cases, the BM may make one or two visits, but then they tend to disappear. Good luck!

Hi.  As an adoption social worker and the adoptive mom of many grown sons and daughters, I am going to offer a different point of view than others have.  I sense in your post a great deal of disapproval of the child’s mother (she is NOT her birth mother—not until and unless parental rights have been severed in court).  I also sense a great deal of competition with the child’s mother: “she’s ours, not hers because she did such a poor job and makes such poor decisions that she landed in prison, and she’s been with us for nearly half a year….”  While your feelings and your desire to adopt are normal and understandable, I think you really need to look at how this will play out in terms of how the children think and feel about themselves, and their genetic inheritance from their original parents.

    It is understandable that you do not approve of the mom’s past behavior, and question whether she can provide a safe and nurturing environment for the child.  However, if you think badly about the mother, your attitude and beliefs and feelings WILL be communicated, however unintentionally, to the children as they grow up.  This will come to haunt you when they are teenagers and are in the throes of intensified identity-building, for much of what they think, feel, believe, and assume about themselves and their sense of self worth will stem from what you have said, hinted at, NOT said, but have demonstrated nonverbally to them about their original parents.  I’d urge you to think about that.

    This bears on what you are thinking, in terms of an agreement.  It is, difficult or not, better for there to be some contact, as long as it is safe and you impress upon the mom that inconsistency—broken promises and failure to show up or call—is destructive and reason to stop being open to visits/calls.  This is, at this point, HER child and she—not you—should have the right to set the terms.  You have the right to agree to them or not, but another family may be found if you do not agree. 

    If you regard and treat the mom as a toxic substance, the children will surely pick up on that, and it will inform their sense of self worth.  At the same time, I DO understand your desire not to have unlimited, and very frequent contact. 

    Why not suggest several phone calls per year—around the time of the children’s birthdays when they will be thinking about their birth parents, anyway, and 2 or 3 other times (maybe Christmas, for example).  Consider proposing a once-per-year visit, and a promise to consider expanding that as you get to know her, and you have a chance to evaluate how the visits go.  I think you need to be genuinely, sincerely open to embracing the birth parents into your lives, rather than offer whatever you do grudgingly, as though you wish they would go away and disappear forever.  They ARE the children’s parents, and they do and will have a permanent connection.  In the future, regardless of how you think or feel,the children WILL be able to find and talk to and meet with them, with or without your approval and even your knowledge—just look at how many connections get made via Facebook now, and think about how many more avenues there are likely to be ten or fifteen years from now.  I would NOT try to keep them apart, or you may very well lose the emotional tug-of-war, ultimately, even if you are granted what you wish for now. 

  Although this is tough for us, as adoptive parents, it is actually healthier for children to be in open adoptions, where they get to see and hear from their original parents.  They will better understand that although their original parents may love them, that they are better off—safer, in a healthier environment, and with people who make good decisions and behave in socially acceptable ways—if they have occasional visits.  They also understand that we are not asking them to, essentially, pretend that they were born to us, and don’t need to think about, talk to, see their original parents—that we are ashamed of where and who they came from. 

    The old addage: be careful of what you wish for because you might get it—- applies here. 

    I am also going to write this once again.  Please folks—do NOT refer to birth mothers as BM’s.  It is incredibly disrespectful, as what comes to mind for most people is the term “bowel movement.”  Please either type out “birth mother” or refer to her as “first mother,” or “original mother.”  Someday, your kids may be reading these things that you are writing.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Does the birthmother get any openness (visits, letters, call, etc) with your 2-year-old?? My husband & I just recently got our foster/adopt home-study finished, and we¡Çre in another state, so I don¡Çt have real experience to offer.? BUT I think I¡Çd stand my ground.? It sounds like she is asking for a lot, especially given her situation.? (Maybe she thinks she stands nothing to lose in asking ¡Èfor the moon.¡É)? If TPR happens, she won¡Çt be able to ask for any contact at all.? And knowing her history, you¡Çre offering some measure of openness, and she should be thankful - I¡Çm guessing that few birth families of foster-adopted children get much openness.? (And it sounds like emotional blackmail for her to dangle relinquishment in front of you like that!)? I¡Çd be curious what your daughter¡Çs case-worker says¡Ä

Please be extraordinarily cautious. You obviously love these children. Are you sacrificing the future for the now?? Are you allowing yourselves to be extorted?? Birth mothers often hold great influence over their children well into adulthood. I wish I’d known… Do you want to invite that dynamic into your family?? It sounds like it could potentially be ..with the birth mother’s demands..like a set-up for conflict between siblings and the “new” family. You’ve already received great guidance from someone with an objective perspective.  YOU hold the key-the children’s best interest. The birth mother has proven she does not have the same goal. You’re in my prayers! Follow your heart.

It sounds as though your foster daughter’s mother wants a lot of contact with her daughter but without the responsibility of being a parent to her. Obviously you have to keep your foster daughter safe, both physically and emotionally. I think that weekly phone calls and unlimited correspondence might be too disruptive for your foster daughter. On the other hand, she is five years old which means that she has a bond with her mother no matter how poorly her mother was a parent to her Perhaps you can meet somewhere in the middle. Don’t let her use her demands to blackmail you into accepting her requests in order to get her to TPR. Talk with the social workers but I think it’s more common to agree to visitations a couple of times a year and perhaps phone calls once a month with cards, letters, and pictures on special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas. Even if you agreed to all her demands, she could still refuse to give up her parental rights and then the court would have to do an involuntary TPR. That would prolong this further of course, but there are no guarantees that wouldn’t happen anyway. I really believe that unless a child’s safety is in question, it is still best for them to have some contact with their birth family from time to time. Those bonds are strong and meaningful to a child. I encourage you to work with your social worker and her lawyer to come to terms that both of you can accept in the best interest of your foster daughter. When I was a foster parent, there were times I would have to look at what I wanted for my foster children versus what was really best for them. Sometimes what was in my best interest wasn’t necessarily best for my foster child and I would put aside my own wants in order to advocate for my foster child’s best interest. It was very difficult to do at the time but I think it worked out in the end.

My first question would be, is she going to be TPR’d if she doesn’t relinquish? Sounds like she is trying to hold the relinquishment over your head. Find out from your social worker what will happen if BM doesn’t relinquish. If the TPR will happen anyway, then don’t agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with in terms of opening the adoption. Granted with a private infant adoption, the BM holds the cards, but with a child that has been removed from the biological family due to abuse and neglect, the courts hold all the cards. Your daughter’s BM might not have as much power as she is pretending to have.
With my son, we send a letter and 2 pictures at Christmas and at his birthday - and trust me, that is MORE than enough contact for me! The BM then emails me for DAYS for more details to the point of harassment. I try to answer her emails but eventually it becomes overwhelming and I have to just stop responding. =( It is sad for me because that was not really the relationship I wanted with her. The problem is that she ONLY wants to talk to me about my son - and can mostly only talk about what a horrible kid he was in her care. She has even admitted to me that she hated him and was afraid of him. She has no desire to talk to him, meet with him or anything else! So even after you stand your ground and determine the most comfortable level of contact, you may find with time, that you are not able to fully embrace the concept of open adoption. Remember that there is no law that actually says you have to honor an open adoption. I believe that an open adoption CAN be a wonderful thing but my situation doesn’t seem to warrant an open adoption.

One of the things that comes across loud and clear in this forum is the unbelievable level of anger and blame towards birth parents, in general, and the intensity in may posts urging others to do whatever they can to play Keep Away with children’s original parents.  Folks, most of you seem to have very young children.  They will abide by whatever you do, agree with whatever you say, and act as Little-Me’s to mimic your opinions—BUT that does NOT last. 

    When we, as adoptive parents, behave in this way and go about parenting with the kind of negative attitudes I am gleaning from this discussion and others, in this forum, our kids end up feeling as though they are the objects in a game of Tug of War.  They also end up thinking/feeling/believing that they had better make sure you know they are loyal to you and not to their birth parents, they had better at least pretend that they are disinterested (not ask questions, not demonstrate much interest in corresponence or phone calls or visits, etc…) They tend to shut down their curiosity and grief over being separated from their birth parents to please you, UNTIL ADOLESCENCE AND ADULTHOOD.  Then, we see tremendous resentment, anger, and oppositional behavior, and sometimes dangerous, risky contacts with their birth families behind your back. 

    There are SOOOOoo many assumptions in your posts, folks. 

    Why not try to see your kids’ birth parents as human beings—people who are flawed and have made poor behavioral choices (maybe because they, tragically, did not receive the adequate parenting and unconditional love that they deserved—and so, are not able to give what they should, but would like to)?  Why not see in their behavior, the clumsy but understandable attempts to demonstrate their concern and their love, all the while living with the stigma of having had their children removed from them or having been complicit in creating the circumstances that led to their not being able to raise a child they loved?

      You are going to have to try to help your children understand that their genetic stuff—inherited from their birth parents, is not flawed and is not a script for how THEY will behave as teens and adults.  You are going to have to try to help your kids grasp that they are not inherently damaged goods.  You are going to have to help your child understand how human beings—THEIR PARENTS—made poor behavioral choices, but loved them and valued them (or didn’t—and why that is the case, since that is not normal).  You are, in other words, going to have to help your child CLAIM his or her original parents along with claiming you, and if you do NOT truly behave as though parenting is a shared-role in adoption, you are more likely than not to propel your child towards rejecting YOU, regardless of what he/she says as a young, elementary-age person. 

      Here are some examples of the assumptions I see:  more than one person alluded to the fact that the birth mother may be using “emotional blackmail” to get you to agree to her requests.  She is working with an attorney—no?  What do you think the attorney’s part is in shaping these requests/ demands? 

  Another person suggested that the child’s mother could be using “extortion.”  Do you REALLY think its a good idea to make such an assumption?  Yikes! 

    We learned that the birth mother has said that she would sign, but hasn’t.  Folks—she has just gotten out of jail, is working on staying sober (VERY hard work), is probably trying to find a job and figure out how she is going to live her life from here.  In other words, she has LOTS on her plate—not just a decision as to whether to sign or not.  Additionally, this is her CHILD. She may have neglected her child, she may have been incapable of providing a s safe environment (she was, after all, dealing with alcohol abuse—no?), but that does not mean that she doesn’t love her child.  Why is it surprising that she can’t bring herself to voluntarily sign over her parental rights?  Why is it surprising that she is most likely afraid that the child’s adopting parents will not allow her to be part of her child’s life, going forward?  She’s been in her child’s life for six years (counting gestation).  The foster parents have been in the child’s life for five MONTHS.  Can you not look at this from HER point of view?

  Most people, especially when working with an attorney, who are negotiating any type of agreement request more than they expect to get or even truly want.  They guess or assume or fear that the other party with whom they are negotiating may be unwilling and not wanting to grant ANY of those requests.  They are hoping and anticipating that the negotiations will come to an end when they’ve reached agreement somewhere in the middle. There is nothing evil, ill-intended, devious, or that smacks of “emotional blackmail” in handling things that way.

    What comes to mind is this:  what would be the harm of planning a face-to-face meeting with someone skilled and neutral, someone who can be clear about the goal being to act in the best interests of the child to facilitate that?  What would be the harm of exptressing some empathy for/to the birth mother of the child—who is, after all, the child’s mother—if you can put aside your sense of entitlement and admit that.  Why aren’t you conveying to her that you can understand how sad and conflicted she may be feeling; that you cannot imagine how difficult and horrific it would be TO sign over parental rights; how scary it has to be to try to reach an open adoption agreement when you don’t know the other party and don’t know how they think/feel about you, or whether they will abide by the agreement that they sign. (And it is absolutely DISGUSTING to sign an agreement and then NOT abide by it.  Talk about emotional BLACKMAIL—promising the sun and the moon and the stars to trick the birth parents into agreeing to something you have no intention of abiding by, all the while knowing that no one can make you. WOW!).  Why not try to reach for and nurture the healthiest part of the child’s mother, with the hope that if you can build some trust, she can be a constructive influence in the child’s life even if she is incapable of being that on an everyday basis?  Why not hope that she can be a resource, an extension, to your family—someone who gives the child permission TO claim you because she likes and trusts you and has a relationship with you? 

  Folks, you had better open your eyes to see that if you hold these negative attitudes towards birth parents (and they are NOT BM’s—ask a 3rd grader what he or she knows about what a BM is), you are going to convey to your children, intentionally or not, that their genetic inheritance and their original family is TOXIC.  So toxic, that you have to keep them as far away as possible to protect them.  What do you think is going to happen when your kids begin to realize that their birth family lives INSIDE of them?  That they are members of that family, as well as yours.  That you are saying that you are better than their original family, and should get their loyalty exclusively?

    Kids sense hypocrisy and WILL get it that there is a big discrepancy between what you THINK you are saying to them to explain why they are with you, and what you REALLY think and feel about their original parents.  THAT is what they get confused about—NOT about having contact with their mothers and fathers who are trying to make a very difficult, painful decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives. 

  To the person who shared that she made an agreement with the child’s birth grandparents, but has not had contact because they have not initiated it—that she wrote into the agreement that that is the only way they CAN have contact—I would suggest that you re-think that.  Why?  Your child will someday know that his/her birth grandparents were probably dealing with shame, doubts about whether they would be a constructive influence (since their son or daughter obviously couldn’t or didn’t do what they should have), fear that they will get close and then lose the child again, or be treated as unwanted interlopers in the life of their grandchild.  It should not be for THEM to reach out.  Why not be generous of spirit so that you will be able to truthfully tell your child that you invited them into his/her life, regardless of whether they respond to the invitation or not.  Your child needs to know that YOU claim them, welcome them, embrace them because they are a part of HIM or HER.  Our kids get it when we are relieved that their birth parents go away and disappear as though they really don’t exist.  That, though, does NOT make THEM feel relieved and glad. 

  Children are decidedly NOT possessions to own, guard, and keep.  Beware—if you behave as though they are, and keep them from their other psychological parents—you are likely to get a very rude and disturbing shock sometime in the future when THEY let you know that that is not the case. 
As adoptive parents, you are the ones who will get to hug and kiss, comfort, put to bed, join your child’s activities, read to them, etc…. Is it really such a hardship and so threatening to you to help your child claim what is theirs—their connectedness to their birth families? 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

“It gets confusing for the child.”
You think?

“Have the agreement worded so you can change it..” This is why more and more people, including those who might be considering open adoption, are coming to the conclusion that “open adoption” is a crock. Just another ruse to get around the natural family.

The child’s mother has stated what she wants in return for allowing you to take possession of her child. If you don’t want to meet those conditions, then don’t. There’s no law that says you have to adopt her child.

Sorry, but from the way the OP was worded, and some of the comments, it seems that you have contempt for the child’s mother (she is not yet and may never be his “BM”) and are seeking advice and support (which some people have given you) in coercing the mother,
‘If we agreed to her tems she said she would relinquish, I dont agree to her terms but the TPR is not guaranteed.”

So are you asking how not to agree to her terms but still get a guarantee that you can have her child? Even if this doesn’t bother you morally, please read the post from Jane here, and Jewel, as well as posts from adoptees in other threads. Having contempt for the birthmom, should she become one; wording an agreement in such a manner that you know you can legally renege on it; and oozing contempt for a natural mother that you so clearly believe is inferior to you will come back and bite you in the behind one day. Unfortunately, that day will have left a lot of human wreckage, including the adopted child that you think you are better for, behind.

“Have the agreement worded so you can change it IF YOU FEEL CONTACT IS NO LONGER IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CHILD” was my full quote.
It’s that what everyone should do, protect their children and do what is in their best interest?

Who knew this topic would be so controversial. We wanted a true open adoption but that is not always an option. Our children’s birthmom is not in a place in her life where she can be a part of an open adoption and I won’t feel bad for protecting my children/her children/our children from her.
I see the damage her inconsistency and false promises have had on her older children and I don’t think I’m wrong for trying to protect our children.
She has chosen a lifestyle that is actually “toxic”.

How politically correct do you have to be? I think if my children read these posts they will see that BM does not equal BOWEL MOVEMENT, I hope we can give them more credit then that.

I will never be my children’s birthmother/firstmother but I am their mom and I take that job very seriously. Do I hope for a better relationship with their BM in the future- yes. Do I think it would be nice if we could post here without such judgement…that would be nice too.

WOW!  I would hope that we could post on here without such judgement.  There are people that are posting on here, that think they are a higher authority on situations just because they have a piece of paper. The person posting these judgements does not know the whole situation or the child, so please stop acting like you fully know this situation.  Also this should be a place where people can vent and feel free to shot ideas off others without feeling critized.

I understand we’re everyone is coming from.

We recently adopted a newborn, had issues at placement. We agreed to pictures twice a year and a meeting at a public location.

Our birth mother pulled away. I have been trying to keep contact.

Here is some food for thought. If she was a perfect person you wouldn’t have her child. But, I have learned through asking questions to the adoptees that post here. And prayer. Look for the good.

Our birth mother is a drug addict and alcoholic. But, I got to know her. She is a very nice lady, she is funny, very pretty, loves painting, she is college educated. She made bad choices, but she made the hard choice to make an adoption plan and give him life.

Our son is going to know the truth. She wants us to tell him she placed him with us to break the cycle of drugs, alcohol, and being raised by a single parent. That take guts.

There is a song You Gave Me Life, by Mark Schultz, when I get upset about things said or not said I play that song and remember she didn’t have to make an adoption plan or give our son life.

Please go read this blog and contact the author- she is an adoptive mom in a open adoption with her daughters birth mother.  Her daughter was adopted out of foster care.

http://www.rebeccahawkes.com/

I hope this can offer your perspective from someone living a true open foster care adoption.

I am trying very hard to leave this thread alone.  For those of you who suggested saying you will leave it open and then not have to hold up your end of the bargain… that is sickening and awful and wrong.  As an adoptee if I ever found out my adoptive parents had done that… I would never - and I am mean never… ever… forgive them.  Your children will grow up- and they will most likely find out the truth- and they will have hate in their hearts towards you for this.  Is that what you want?
I hate how my adoptive parents think they are better then my biological family.  As I grew older it became very clear- since I am very similar to my biological family- that they think they are better then me to.

I can forgive my adoptive parents for what they did… but I can never ever forget it.  It limits our ability to have a healthy adult parent child relationship now…
I know of adoptees who grew up left home and have not talked to their adoptive families fever again over things such as this.  You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

Hi. I haven’t read all the replies here, though glancing at them quickly I can tell there are lots of differing opinions and strong emotional reactions. My comments are from the point of view of someone who is both an adoptee and a foster-adoptive mom. I have an open adoption agreement with my daughter’s original mother that allows her one visit a year (supervised either by my husband and/or me). The agreement also stipulates that she may send cards, letters, and gifts to a PO box. Our agreement has lots of protections in it for us; for example, we can terminate the agreement if she ever shows up intoxicated.

That’s our formal agreement, and it’s where we started. We’ve actually ended up with a relationship that is much more open than that, but it happened gradually, a bit at a time, and it was our choice to do so. Our daughter’s original mom has done an amazing job of turning her life around, and we’ve found that, in our case, forming a strong relationship with the biological family has very much been in our daughter’s best interest. It may seem surprising, but our daughter’s bond with us actually strengthened as we increased visitation and contact.

I grew up in a closed adoption and it was actually very confusing to have no biological relatives in my life (in spite of the prevailing wisdom of the time that this wasn’t supposed to matter to me). I’ve formed a close relationship with my biological family in adulthood (doing so was an important part of my healing; there’s trauma in adoption, even when the separation of the child and the mother happens in infancy), and yet I am also still very much a part of my adoptive family. I have two moms; I love two moms; I am loved by two moms. That’s my reality.

Anyway, getting back to the original posters question/situation, I think it’s important to have a starting agreement that you can live with, and you don’t have to accept the agreement proposed by her; you have power in this negotiation, too. _But_ I also encourage you to be open to the possibility of more openness than you might have originally considered. I sometimes give this advice to adoptive parents about forming relationships with biological families: stretch your comfort level, but don’t break it. Don’t automatically assume that a relationship with the first mother is a negative; you might be surprised to discover, as I have, that the opposite is true. The protection of your children and your family’s privacy obviously needs to be a top priority, but a good open-adoption agreement that allows for a relationship to develop in structured, controlled manner, with the adoptive parents setting the boundaries, can turn out to be very much in the child’s best interest.

Rebecca Hawkes
http://www.ashleysmoms.org/p/faq.html