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Need Advice on Birth Mother and Bio Sibling Contact


We finalized the adoption of our son a month ago, to our joy! He is our first and only child. Thus far, our relationship with our BM (birth mom) has been just as if we are Facebook Friends. She has been fairly detached . We have a closed adoption with the want on her side for her 1.5 year old son to know his bio brother (our son) in life. She wants to have frequent interactions whenever we are in the state visiting. We always agreed that our son would be able to choose for himself when he is old enough to understand. This week however, she became upset that we would not send pics to the BF(birth father)‘s family. He was abusive of his child and wife and they are getting divorced. We do not want that door open to him or his family and have told her so. She said she wanted his family to know our son. I was respectful and only spoke lovingly to her, but we won’t allow that. She then asked for more contact for her and her son with our son. I’m not sure if we should cut ties with her, or not. Family and my fellow adoptive parents friends have advised us to cut off ties and block her from facebook, but I don’t want to hurt her but also want the best for our son. So any advice, would be greatly welcomed.

Replies

Hi MammaTRex (great name BTW),

I can completely relate to your situation. We ended up having to cut ties completely with our son’s birth family for similar reasons and took the opportunity to move overseas with a job transfer when it came up.

It was not a decision that we took lightly, but when it comes down to it, we did it for his safety. You are this little one’s parent, be the TRex. Protect that child at all costs.

If you can have a conversation with her, let her know that you want to keep the boundaries as they have been set to date, and aren’t interested in opening it further at this point.  If she can’t handle that, then slip away… cut her off from facebook (and make sure that you update your online privacy settings to restrict what the public can see), screen your calls or get a new phone number… same goes for email.

We found out recently that our son’s BM had another baby, and we’ve been contacted by a great aunt on facebook, but we just block them and don’t reply.

Same as you, we have names, dates, places for him when he gets older if he wants to find out more. But at this stage, it’s just too dangerous.

Posted by RepeatedHistory on Sep 08, 2018 at 6:28am

Thank you so much for your advice! That is just what i was looking for! I will try to talk to her about it, and see how she reacts. Thank you!

Posted by MammaTRex_Lex on Sep 08, 2018 at 2:59pm

Consider cutting or reducing contact carefully before doing it.  You will at some point have to explain to her son what it was that you thought was so unsafe about being in contact with his mother, father, sibling and extended family.  If you can’t produce enough evidence of a threat to get a judge to issue a restraining order against every single member of his family then they are not by any legal standard of care to be considered unsafe to him or to those he lives with.  Was his father convicted and sentenced of abuse? Maybe then he is the one and only family member you would be able to secure a restraining order against.  If you prevent this person from knowing and bonding with his mother and sibling father and extended family early on then this could cause serious resentment on the part of him and his family towards you for sequestering him without cause.  Maybe they just need someone to raise him in a good environment but still love him and want to be in frequent touch and follow along with him as he progresses in life.  Not everyone is cut out for the daily duties of raising a child but that does not mean they are horrible people or that they could not have productive contact with him.  You must recognize they have the good qualities you see in their son you adopted.  You don’t want him to think he was jailed as he enters the age where he will surely seek them out on line.  You want to have a happy and loving relationship with them so nobody turns you into the villain, which you are not at all.  You might just be feeling like you wish he had no other family but yours and cutting him off from his family won’t make that be true it will just make him pull away from you as soon as he’s old enough to understand he has family he’s not allowed to see.  Good luck

Posted by redwonder on Sep 08, 2018 at 11:42pm

I’m not sure I’ve ever disagreed with advice more than I disagree with RepeatedHistory. And because it’s what you wanted to hear, it’s probably what you’re going to do. Please don’t. I commented on one of your other threads. You’re only going to hurt your son.

RepeatedHistory, you’re denying your child a relationship with his sibling. I urge you to read “The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption,” by Lori Holden.

Posted by rredhead on Sep 09, 2018 at 1:22am

Hi rredhead,

Appreciate your perspective. One thing I left out that may change your perspective - our son was adopted from foster care (we were his foster family), and we were able to adopt him after the state had terminated parental rights after his birth parents were sentenced to 6 years in prison for neglecting and endangering our son. 

His birth father served 3 years, and birth mother served 2.

Posted by RepeatedHistory on Sep 09, 2018 at 6:15am

Hi RepeatedHistory,

Actually, that doesn’t change anything. The birth parents being in jail at any point have nothing to do with contacting your child’s biological sibling, who is living with a completely different family member.

Seriously, read the book. It’s so worth it!

Posted by rredhead on Sep 14, 2018 at 1:37am
Posted by NoraT on Sep 14, 2018 at 2:00am

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