I would rock or lay with her till she falls asleep. I would play soft music or a relaxation tape.  That is what my parents did for me.  I too could not fall asleep - ever.  I had sleep issues as far as falling asleep until I had my first baby.
I would see if the daycare could rub her back or rock her as well.  If they can not I would look for another daycare personally.  If that is not an option I would look into seeing if you or another close family member would be welcome in during nap time to do the back rubbing and rocking. 

I also want to ask does your daycare have experience with kids who have been in orphanages or adopted kids?  Are they willing to work with you and her?  I am terrified of daycare centers for a traumatized child.

They were rocking her and have been working with us… I was just looking for some suggestions.  They play music and we do at home as well.  I have always rocked her to sleep, since she has felt comfortable with us since we’ve brought her home.

She’s been staying with family until just recently.  We decided it was time for her to start socializing with kids her age.  We decided that 2 days at day care would be good for her.  She seems to like it very much.  The nap time seems to be the only problem.  Which we assumed it would be.

The person that runs the daycare is a Professor at the college and teaches Early Child Development

I worked at a Early Childhood Center on a college campus- we all rubbed the kids backs to get them to nap… I hope you find something that works for her!
Could she do half days for awhile to avoid the nap?  Have the family pick her up then transition her there to full day later?

I think EST is on to something with the 1/2 days.

I adopted a newborn domestically so I may not have a whole lot of insight but both of my boys quit napping at 3 (almost to the day). Are you sure she is tired and needs a nap?  Maybe if she doesn’t take a nap, she will have an easier time falling asleep at night with just a light backrub.  I am just basing that on IF she doesn’t need a nap.  I know it is a nightmare to have an overly tired little one

I think to ween her off of rocking her to sleep every night you could rock her for a set amount of time. Then lay her in her bed a rub her back while listening to music. After a while you could shorten each of those.

Our son has been with us since birth, so not sure how applicable our experience is, but we had a lot of sleep issues.  I did the “Super Nanny” techniques with him, and that really helped.  We had been in the habit of laying down with my son to get him to sleep, and she has good ideas about how to systematically wean kids from those kind of habits.

Hi Tamra and All,

    I am an adoption therapist and adoptive mom (9 kids, most now adults). 4 of my kids were adopted internationally.

    This may surprise you, but time alone is not the answer.  It is not merely a matter of adjusting and getting used to the new normal, unfortunately. Toddlers most often have the most difficult time when they are uprooted from one set of arms and abruptly transferred to the arms of strangers—however loving, well-intentioned, and committed to becoming the permanent parents.  The moves constitute TRAUMA and infants and toddlers are less equipped to handle that than older children because of the lack of language—they cannot anticipate big changes, they are damaged by being moved (and most are moved from the tiny baby room to the older baby room to the toddler room then to you—at least 4 INTERRUPTED ATTACHMENTS). 

  Day care is NOT good for children, even if it looks as though your child is having fun.  Being amongst other children with few caregivers is FAMILIAR to her, but what she NEEDS is to form an attachment to YOU.  That requires you be be available and accessible.  Its WHY she needs to be rocked and held—- by YOU and not by an outsider to your family.  Grandma is OK if she is a regular part of your child’s everyday life, but even that is not as helpful in terms of attachment-formation as YOU putting her to sleep. 

      I/we know that many parents must work.  I realize that reading/hearing that substitute care is not the ideal is hurtful.  However, it IS the reality with adopted children, and knowing that can help us to formulate better plans for their care, and better plans for us to transitioning them when and if they must be cared for by others.

    Children who arrive as toddlers may or may not look delayed.  Or they may catch up quickly as far as crawling, walking, eating inpendently, etc… HOWEVER, they are delayed psychologically, and only some of that will ever be repaired.  They will NEVER be as they would have been had they not been separated from their original parents, and had never made moves, including the move to an adoptive home.  Never.  That does not mean that they are damaged goods—just that they require specialized parenting, and not just for a few months or a year or two, but all the way through and into adulthood.

    The best arrangement for a child needing substitute care when parents work is a loving, nurturing family member, and next best is a skilled nanny who really and truly provides love and not just basic care.  Its great if a child attaches to that substitute caregiver, because that person remains as an everyday part of the child’s life and what the child learns from building attachment (which means trust, and a sense of security and safety—NOT love!), gets transferred to you when you return home from work.  Children do NOT get the same thing from day care. Day is little different from orphanage care—institutionalized care, even though it may look OK.

    Babies and toddlers need to form attachment before they can truly interact and form relationships with peers.  Until about age three (in a child who has lived, from birth, with his or her original parents and its been a loving, nurturing environment) children engage in what is called: parallel play.  They play beside, but not with other children.  Learing to share, to take turns, to converse back and forth with others doesn’t happen before that, and so really, there is no benefit in being with other kids.  (We parents benefit, though, because WE need and enjoy being amongst others who have young children).

  Rather than trying to nurture independence—getting your child to go to sleep and stay asleep alone—its better to foster attachment.  She NEEDS to be held, cuddled, rocked, to hear YOUR heartbeat—all of the things she DIDN’T get before.  She needs MORE of that from you than would a child who had been with you from birth.  Also feed her—don’t just hand her food, or spoons/forks/cups.  Encourage her to play games with you—games that get direct eye contact.  She needs LOTS of firm touch, most especially when you leave home, which is when children feel more vulnerable (not safe).  A child who has been placed as a toddler has absolutely NO idea whether or not she will be handed over again, to other strangers. YOU know that that won’t happen, but SHE doesn’t—and your words to that effect do not have the same profound impact as your being right there. 

    Young babies start exploring the world only AFTER they have developed trust that their parents will always be there—thousands of time that they have cried, and their parents have come running to meet their needs.  Your child didn’t get that.  Babies also wander just a little bit away, and then go back to touch and check in to make sure mom or dad is still there, before exploring some more.  They DON’T leave their parents side for an hour or more.  That is also why babies and toddlers LOVE peek-a-boo,  They are learning what is called Object Permanence—that things (or their parents) still exist when they disappear from view for a moment or two.  If the adult attachment figure goes away and never appears again, that neutralizes any trust that the needed-adult WILL return every time.  That is WHY adopted kids have such trouble with attachment. Even when someone lovingly handed them over to their new parents, that—to a baby or toddler- constitutes abandonment.

    We do not expect anyone, not even adults, to “get over” and “move past” significant losses—deaths, abandonments, divorces, being fired or laid off from a beloved job.  We shouldn’t expect children—who can’t even think in words or describe how they feel or how they are affected by losses or moves—to “get over” the trauma involved in being handed over repeatedly to strangers while they are powerless to do anything to see that coming, stop it, or beg to have the adults return. 

      Its no wonder that you do not know these things because few adopting parents get the comprehensive education and prep they need and deserve TO help their child have the best start possible.  Many adoption agencies do not have the knowledge and skills—their expertise is in marketing to recruit adoptive applicants, filling out the reports satisfactorily enough to get approval, helping you complete the paperwork, finding children, helping you prepare to travel and to know what you will encounter when you do.  Unfortunately, too few have employees who understand how adopted children think and feel, what they experience internally, or how best to help then post-adoption. 

    I wish you well.  I do wish to congratulate you on the adoption.  I hope that you and your child have a wonderful, satisfying life together.  And I also want to applaud you for turning to others for suggestions and help when you are puzzled by what is going on and want some input to consider, as far as what you can do differently that might benefit your daughter.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane, THANK YOU for putting into words my concerns with daycare for socialization. I worked in daycare facilities and schools for years and saw that I did NOT want my daughter there at a young age- while I understand that many parents must both work and daycare is needed in these cases, my thought is that when it is not needed then other methods of socialization can be found…What about parent and child programs? We go to parent and child classes 2x a week and then also are part of a play group so socialization is not an issue and my daughter has a several close friends..maybe that might be an alternative for you and your daughter?
We adopted at newborn but the topic of naps interested me- we still nap together- her in my arms and she sleeps at night in her own bed after being walked around until asleep by hubby- our thought is that she needs this comfort right now and it may or may not be due to her being adopted BUT if she needs this comfort then why not provide it? Eventually, she will be older and we can try another method of bed time routine but right now she seems to need this comfort….but I would check into parent and child classes and play groups and see if that might be a better match right now so your daughter still gets to be with you…

Hi Tamra. My Ella was the exact same age as yours when we brought her home. She is now 8 years old.  We had a terrible time with naps at first. We would rock her for hours. We finally figured out that she sucked her finger and once she found we were ok with her doing that the rocking wasn’t quite as long. We finally just gave up completely on naps because bedtime was the same struggle. For about 6 months she quit naps altogether. Then suddenly she started taking naps again and did so until she was 6 years old. She also started sleeping better at night. We never sent her to daycare but we did send her to half day preschool at 3 years old. she turned 4 in September just after she started.
If you want to email me offline you can.  I have 2 cchildren we adopted as newborns and there is definitely a difference. Ella still has certain struggles the other 2 do not but I believe she is a stronger little girl because of them. She is truly an amazing child.

Hi Mel,

  You are very welcome, and a very wise mom!  I am guessing that after all of the waiting and hoping to get to BE a mom, you, as well as your daughter enjoyed those sweet hours of being close.  Napping and bedtime co-sleeping are terrific ways to build bonding and attachment.  Not everyone feels comfortable having a child sleep with them, but a small bed or even a mattress on the floor next to your bed is a great option.  They also provide natural next steps towards helping kids transition to sleeping independently.  Many of our children also enjoy the treat of having occasional “sleepovers” for part or all of a night with Mom (and Dad, when and if there is a dad). 

  I support your notion that finding mommy & me sessions—at a little gym, or once-a-week outings, or at someone’s home, or at the library provide good opportunties for kid-to-kid socialization.  The best thing about those is that you, as a parent, have the opportunity to observe your child as he/sh socializes with others.  Children who have endured trauma and/or have spent time in institutionalized settings often have social skills problems that need some intervention.  Having the chance to observe better gives you information about when that is the case.  If your child always needs to be in charge, or is aggressive, or isolates him/herself, or lacks the language skills other kids have at the same age, or is not adept at reading non-verbal cues in others, you see that.  Early intervention is better, so taking a wait-and-see approach when you see the gaps widening between your child and others of the same age is not a good decision.  Skilled coaching by a trained professional does a great deal more than does just waiting and hoping that your child is still adjusting.  Anyway, thanks again, Mel!

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane A Brown, MSW
Director-Adoption Playshops! Program
(602) 690-5338

I think part of the problem is that in order for parents who must rely on daycare to feel less guilty about it, daycare is now becoming the “answer” to issues such as socialization and fostering independence. In a traditional society where a village raises a child there are many nurturing adults NOT one adult for many children…years ago we used to criticize Eastern European countries for using daycare for extended periods of time while both parents worked- now that it is the economic norm and need here we suggest that it is just peachy…but I am concerned with the fact that MANY day care workers have no training or educational background to be with young children and are not experts in child care…one has to be very careful when looking into daycare and keep in mind that when a daycare encourages all day care as a means to help socialize your child- they are looking at the bottom line- money- all day care where your child naps there means more money for them…the concern is NOT about what is best for your child….if they try to tell you half days is a problem be suspicious of their motives…