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Wisconsin Adoptive Families

Looking for some advise

Sorry for long story, but I’m looking for some advise on how to handle things.  This is my first post here-looking for some support as I contacted our social worker, but was told they are no longer able to advise us now that our adoption is final.

My husband and I tried to have children for years with no luck.  We had discussed that we really wanted to have children so decided then on adoption.  We did some research and learned how expensive it is so decided to wait a little while to get started so we could start saving money since we had just spent it all on fertility. During that time a long time co-worker of mine and her daughter came in to talk to me one day. We work in a smaller company (50 employees) so everyone knows everyone and their families.  My co-worker’s very young daughter was pregnant and looking into adoption and had asked her mom if my husband and I ever got pregnant or were thinking about adoption.  So they came to talk to my husband and I and asked us if we would like to adopt her baby.

My husband and I weighed all our options feeling having a child would far outweigh anything.  Our only “fear or worry” is were we ok with the fact that everyone I work with would know our very personal family matters.  Again we decided it was worth it.  I know my co-worker through work and that is it, we were not/are not buddies outside of work.

Wisconsin being an agency state we had to do the entire adoption through an agency with social workers and the whole 9 yards.  At one of our meeting it was discussed what type of contact we would all have after the adoption.  We discussed it with our social worker, she then discussed it with the birth parents and everything was agreed upon.  What we agreed was photo updates and we would become Facebook friends with the birth parents so they could see all kinds of updates.  As far as physical visits, that was going to be up to our daughter once she was old enough to understand and make that choice.  We will always discuss adoption and keep everything open with our daughter but, we by no means want to force something/someone on her.  Our social worker told us that everyone agreed that it was a very good decision.

Our daughter was born in January of 2015, the TPR was in February and the adoption was finalized in July of 2015.  Now here is where I need some advise.

The birth mother got my cell phone number from her mom (my co-worker) and has now started texting me and private messaging me on Facebook, wanting to know when her and the birth father can get together with us to see our daughter.  I’m not sure how to handle the situation, I thought we all had an agreement and understanding.  I don’t want to be rude or mean, but I do not want to get together with them right now.  I’m so so forever greatful for the adoption, but we had all agreed that this is how we would proceed. But now I’m also afraid if I say something like that it will now cause a working issue with my co-worker (birth mother’s mom).

Am I just overthinking things?  Please help me understand my feelings and help me with some advise.  Thank you so so much!


Obviously what you thought and what the parents thought (or hoped for) were different. Maybe you could meet with them and rehash things. Communication seems to be the key here.

Is there a reason you can’t let them see her? Ar they dangerous or anything?
At this age she won’t know who they are anyway

There is no “magic time” when your daughter can decide this. I suspect she will find birth parents on facebook or somewhere if she wants when she is older. It gets complicated later when she might have loyalty conflicts or other issues.

If it is too much at work with everyone knowing everything maybe you should start looking for a new job.

Posted by Regina on Aug 13, 2015 at 1:33pm

I know you originally didnt think you wanted an open adoption including visits, but maybe you can rethink that. Most professionals now encourage open adoptions (when birthparents are not a harm or threat). Do some reading on the benefits open adoptions can have on adoptees. And, if you have some fears or worries - talk to an adoption counselor for yourself. I can imagine some of the concerns you have, but think you might be more comfortable once you gain more insight on open adoption.
If you feel you cant do visits, why not send regular texts with pictures or quick updates (maybe once or twice a week).
If bp want contact and you cant do it - it could get messy at work unfortunately. Not sure there is a way around that.
I encourage you to consider bp visits. I highly doubt your child will be upset knowing you did your best to keep in contact with their birth family. Much more likely they will be upset you didnt if they find out in the future you could have but chose not to.

Good luck. I can sense its a tough spot for you right now.

Posted by momma21 on Aug 13, 2015 at 2:29pm

Btw - there are a few people that tend to “attack”  some posters. Just gjving you a heads up so hopefully you dont get offended or regret posting. You arent the only adoptive parent out there struggling with how much contact to have. smile

Posted by momma21 on Aug 13, 2015 at 2:35pm

Thank you so much for the thoughts and information.  The birth parents are by no means a harm or threat.  I guess I just feel uncomfortable with the sudden contact.  I’m a planner, mentally and physically.  I agree we need to have a communication and discuss going forward what we are going to do.  I just need to mentally plan.

Thank you again for helping me.  I now “after the fact” feel like our social worker was not really as much help as I hoped.

Lots to think about!!

Posted by ressmile on Aug 13, 2015 at 5:53pm

I am also in Wisconsin and our situation is very similar to yours with the exception that we agreed upon visits from the very start.

I agree with the others to reconsider contact and visits. It could actually be very healthy for the birthparents for healing; although it isn’t originally what you had intended.

We enjoy getting together with our son’s birthfamilies (birthmother and birthfather; also a young couple, split up right before our son turned one) but we’ve maintained contact with both sides.

The way I see it, it’d be better for your daughter to get to know them now, than to have to get to know a “stranger” when she’s older and able to make the decision. Our son knows and will have contact now, but as he grows, it’ll be his choice as to whether he wants to continue. I think our hope is that he’ll be so comfortable and our relationship is good that it won’t be an issue, but only time will tell on that part.

I’m happy to hear you’re open to the idea. If they aren’t a threat and you feel comfortable I say GO FOR IT!

Posted by SarahLB2 on Aug 18, 2015 at 2:59pm

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