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Just matched but red flags


We have been with an agency for a year now. We had a disrupted adoption back in February but just got matched again this week. Being more nervous about her changing her mind like last birth mother, I googled and found she has a go fund me page set up to pay for an attorney to fight for custody of 2 of her 4 kids she already has. Also that their father is abusive and stalking her. Current pregnancy is from a one night stand and doesn’t know who the father is. First, should I tell my agency what I found and second should we just assume she’s going to back out when baby is due January 2019. We don’t want to go through the heartache again. But this seems shady.

Replies

This expectant mother needs help. If the agency doesn’t know about any of this, they cannot possibly be helping her as much as they should/could be. My first concern is that any ethical agency would be aware of this and helping this mother find resources and stay safe.

Posted by rredhead on Sep 22, 2018 at 9:43pm

If you happen to talk to her, she’s an expectant mother until she actually places. The terminology difference may not seem like that big a deal, but it can be the difference between showing them deference and respect and not.

Protect your heart. With any adoption, the expectant mother can choose to parent, and it will never get easier. That being said, I would continue to monitor this expectant mother’s social media, Go Fund me, etc. In the event that you end up adopting this baby, you know he/she has 4 half-siblings.

I would hope the agency knows what’s going on with the other children, and if they don’t, they should as an agency looking to place a sibling. They will also be in a better position to check the veracity of the claims and possibility that she is in fact raising funds.

Posted by seklock on Sep 22, 2018 at 9:43pm

Hey there! I would definitely say something to your adoption counselor. They have ways to go about talking with the expectant mom, so you don’t have to put yourself in an awkward position asking questions. You have every right to be your own advocate especially when it comes to the time and money you invest/spend on adoption. The risk of a mom not placing will always be there no matter how sound and sure you are of the potential adoption. It’s the risk we all take going into adoption, right? Good luck with everything!!

Posted by jellybeanqueen on Sep 22, 2018 at 10:36pm

I don’t know if your agency allows prebirth expenses (they are not allowed in my state) but if so…no, I would not accept this match personally if that is expected.  We turned down a couple of situations where we were “picked” bc it just didn’t feel right in my gut.  Trust your gut…when we were matched with both our girls (one domestic adoption, one foster adoption),  we were thrilled.  It’s easy for me to say now, I know…when your heart is aching for a child.  good luck whatever you decide.

Posted by mamallama on Sep 23, 2018 at 12:35am

We have some similarities in our birth Mom’s story.  She had 2 older children with 2 different fathers. 
She was losing custody of one then the other after she placed her baby with us. 
If this birth Mom is older, has other children, and has lost custody she may actually know she is not in a place to parent another child. 
Either way I would totally alert your adoption counselor/agency about what you have found out.  If you don’t have a good feeling about it move on.

Posted by astofko on Sep 24, 2018 at 1:39pm

I know its not popular here to talk from the child’s point of view, but as a FFY it would be devastating to me to know that someone went and adopted me or a sibling knowing that my mother was so desperate to keep her children that she had set up a GoFundMe account.
Not to mention that they knew the mother of the child they want to adopt was terrified by someone who had abused and was stalking her.
If I learned all this (and in the Internet age I would eventually learn all this), I would be sick that my mother was that scared and that desperate and nobody cared about her or her pain, or that of her children, but just wanted to make sure her problems wouldn’t interfere with them getting to adopt a kid.
If all you really care about is predicting whether she might back out, yeah, she might.

Posted by NoraT on Sep 24, 2018 at 11:31pm

I spoke with the agency and they are aware and counseling her on the situation.  NoraT, I have no problem listening to someone with the child’s point of view.  I have not spoken to or met with the expectant mother, and I obviously want her to be happy and healthy no matter what she decides.  Just because we are looking to adopt a child does not make us monsters who don’t care about anyone else in the situation.  If there is anything we can do to help her, we will.  And we have an open adoption plan so all of the children will have a relationship with each other.  They are located not far from us.  Thank you everyone for you input.  God Bless!

Posted by Jackie41076 on Sep 25, 2018 at 8:42pm

If it were me I would trust my intuition. Probably not move forward with this matc. Tell the agency (as well as talk with the expectant mom and make your own decision re what you want to do).

i’d respectfully tell her what you noticed and make any suggestions for help you can to her to get the counseling, social services, financial support and protection she needs.

Though she or her choices are not your responsibility, if you can help her or have your agency refer her to those who will, she and her child will only gain in the end. Whether she does or does not ultimately decide to go thru with choosing adoption for her child either way it can’t hurt.

And for you I’d also say respectfully in any potential adoption it’s never final till it is. It’s a very difficult path to maintain excitement about a potential match and at the same time the awareness that the E mom may change her mind and keep the child and does have every right to do just that.

All you can do is use your best judgment, Then trust that at some point an adoption is likely to go thru that is right for you and a child.Whether it will be this time??? No one can say.

Posted by Happy Camper on Oct 10, 2018 at 3:34am

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