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Infertility and fostering to adopt


My husband and I are currently in the foster to adopt process…we’re working on getting certified and are doing paperwork while waiting on our background checks.  Anyway, while we’re very excited and comfortable with our decision to foster to adopt I’ve been struggling a little in the last few days especially with my infertility. I have PCOS and we’re pretty sure Endometriosis though it hasn’t been confirmed yet.  I got pregnant on Femara back in January and lost the baby in April.  It was extremely hard on me and after the d&c I had a post op infection and was hospitalized for a few days.  I’m immune compromised so that was really scary for me which is why I’m not willing to have surgery right now to check for endo.

Without that, there’s really no point in continuing fertility treatments. I had stopped responding to them after 16 months and we just can’t afford throwing money at it when we know there’s a chance it won’t even work without surgery.

So…with all of that said.  I was supposed to be due in November and the last few days have just been so hard.  Since we made the decision to foster to adopt we’ve been feeling really happy and haven’t been so bothered by fertility things or seeing pregnant women or any of that, but this week it’s been so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for support from other ladies who have been through similar situations.  We do plan to try again someday but don’t want to wait to start a family just because my body can’t handle any more treatments as we’ve been trying for a long time. 

Maybe it’s just hard because my former due date is coming up and also because we’re in the long wait part of the process right now and though it really doesn’t take that long it feels like a child is so far away for us.  Sometimes I want to be a mom so bad I can’t stand it.  Any other ladies have similar experiences?

Replies

A miscarriage is a real loss and as the anniversary of the child’s due date approaches it is normal to be sad.
You might want to think of a ritual (prayer, lighting a candle, buying and donating a toy for toys for tots, reading giref poetry you and spouse having a special dinner,cry… whetever is OK)
Expressing grief is the only way to get through it. Denying grief keeps it alive.
Best of luck on your adoption journey

Posted by Regina on Sep 22, 2012 at 8:36pm

I have a very similar story. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and in October of 2006, found out we were pregnant. After YEARS of trying and multiple surgeries. We miscarried at 7 weeks. It is still THE most devastating thing to have happened to me. We went away for the weekend on my due date (June 10, 2007). But I still think about that baby every October and every June. We were blessed with baby through private adoption. He was born June 8, 2008.

Personally, we plan to adopt again, and not try for a biological child (for many reasons, mainly relating to my health). And I can’t tell you that once you are holding your forever child, you won’t think about or yearn for the baby you lost. Because you will. But that’s ok. In fact, it is normal and healthy. That doesn’t mean I am not thankful and eternally grateful for the family I have now.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Praying for you all on this journey!!!
Jenni

Posted by redsfan01 on Sep 23, 2012 at 2:56am

My heart breaks for yours! I’ve never been through a mc (that i knew of) but I’ve been through the pain of infertility and I’m still in the battle. We’re debating on starting Fermera soon, as 5 rounds of Clomid didn’t work and then they found out I had a septum so I had to have surgery to remove it. One more week of surgery recovery and then we can start trying again.

It’s perfectly normal for you to have grief especially as you due date approaches. Regina had great suggestions and everyone I know who had a MC does something like one of those suggestions.

We too are currently in the process of becoming foster parents. In our state they say that we could wait upwards of 3+ years for an infant to come into the system that will be Legal Risk or Open to Adopt… which is what we’re looking for. So, it’s been really hard to go to the training sessions and think about how long our wait could be.

If you want to contact me sometime.

Praying for you,
KT

Posted by KatieL on Sep 23, 2012 at 11:28pm

I never had a miscarriage, but I did go through failed adoptions, and for me those were real losses that required a grieving period.  One of our failed adoptions was a situation where we matched early, then fell through early on.  I was surprised how upsetting it was for me when the due date came around… I think you have to give yourself a break, you are human, it is okay to grieve your loss.  I don’t think the fact that you are grieving your loss means you are not ready to move forward, you can grieve your loss and hope for the future at the same time.

Posted by jszmom on Sep 24, 2012 at 12:34am

Thank you so much for all the support.  I’ve been doing a little better as the weekend goes on.  It just surprised me that it hit me when it did.  It seemed to random.  I was fine one second and then the next I was so upset and I couldn’t shake it.  I work with kids so I think that makes it hard too.  I also have a necklace with baby feet on it and the date of the d&c and I wear it every day.  One of the kids asked me what it meant and no one ever has before…not even an adult and that caught me off guard too.

I’m sure the holiday season is going to be very very tough this year but hearing that it’s okay from people who have been through the same or similar situations really helps.  With adoption, I feel like I’m constantly reading…“You need to grieve your infertility before you should attempt adoption”.  I always felt like this didn’t really count for me so much because we don’t know that I can’t ever have biological children we just know that what we would have to do to get there right now its very dangerous and just not worth the risk.  The simple lap surgery could be life threatening for me if I get another post op infection so…it’s just not worth it right now. 

We always knew this would be a rocky road with my health problems already but when I got pregnant once I thought it would all work out and we may not have to worry about it and struggle but…I was wrong.  My dad is a counselor and I’ve asked him before if he thinks I need to grieve first…he said no since we’re not saying we’ll never try again but that it’s just not our path right now.  I’ve been grieving for the miscarriage ever since of course and have come a really long way.  It was absolutely the worst thing I have ever been through though and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Just seems like there’s pregnant women everywhere too.  My SIL is trying again…she got pregnant right away before so I’m sure it’ll happen again.  She’s a great mom though but she has no clue that she rubs it in my face all the time.  My best friend is pregnant also and that was unplanned.  I think that might have triggered a lot of these feelings.  We always wanted to raise our kids together and it’s just so weird for her to be pregnant when she wasn’t even ready for it yet.  She’ll be a wonderful mother though so I know it’ll all work out for her.  Still makes me sad though.

Sometimes I still feel like…why is it everyone else and not me?  I know what’s going on with my body physically but sometimes I almost feel like I’m being punished or something.  We’re getting our fingerprints down for our background checks tomorrow.  Maybe that’ll help us feel like we’re moving forward.

Posted by lonesapphire on Sep 24, 2012 at 4:19am

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. My husband I had three miscarriages and then we adopted. I was actually miscarrying during our adopted daughters birth.  Every miscarriage confirmed what I knew in my heart for years.  We were meant to adopt. 

When I finally put my life back in God’s hands and listen to what was an obvious calling I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace.  While those miscarriages were terrible, I do not even know the expected due date of any of the babies.  I just don’t keep track of it.  I only pray and imagine that I will be reunited with those babies in heaven one day.

After the adoption we then went on to have a healthy pregnancy without the aid of fertility drugs.  I was 39 and got pregnant on the first try.  I consider both of our daughters to be miracles.  So many adoptive mothers seem to have this similar story.

For us we didn’t have all the years of struggle that many people have.  From the time of our first pregnancy/miscarriage to the birth of our second daughter was less than 3 years.

Many people mourn the loss of time when they finally get some distance from their infertility journey.  We always think we’re in the driver’s seat when really God is in the driver’s seat. 

I hope you are not stuck in this bad place for long.  While grieving is important, I hope you can begin to look forward to your bright and beautiful future.

Posted by Genevieve's Mom on Sep 27, 2012 at 8:57pm

I’m always a little bit bothered by people who seem to think that infertility is something you have to accept. full stop. then adopt.  Adoption is just a different path.

I’m the proud mama of two amazing children who we adopted domestically.  I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love them; I know they were meant for us.  When we moved to adoption I knew that both my husband and I were very clear that biology wasn’t important to us; parenting was.  I think *that* issue needs to be resolved.  But ‘getting over’ infertilty?  I’m not even sure what that means.

Adopting solves the there-are-no-kids-in-my-house problem; it doesn’t suddenly make you forget your infertility! It’s not as raw as it once was, of course—time will do that to you—and it might not be in the forefront as much any more.  But there are still comments that can hurt; little rememberances of certain dates; friendships that were strained if not lost during the process; feelings of self-doubt and anger and considerations of my spiritual self; the extra pounds that i added due to a little too much self-medicating via chocolate and red wine. That takes time.  And a part of me doesn’t ever want to forget because if I got anything from my infertility struggle it was an appreciation that so many people go through so much that we aren’t privvy to, and so being patient, and listening not prescribing, can be really helpful to those around us.  I like to think I’m a better friend for all I’ve gone through.  And I still like to help others in the thick of it.

And I don’t think it’s my kids’ responsibility to ‘fix me.’  That’s too much responsibility for little shoulders.  Their jobs are to learn and explore and play and laugh and wonder and stumble through this world—NOT to fix me or my husband. 

And let me repeat:  I simply cannot imagine life without G & C in it.  They were meant to be our kids and for that we are eternally grateful.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not an infertile. I am.  Always will be. And that doesn’t make me less of a mother.

Best of luck to you.

Posted by JustLaugh on Oct 04, 2012 at 1:32am

It is a really good thing that you did not give up your hope because of your fertility problems. Adoption in a great way to look forward, I think that it will be good for you.

____________________
adoption miami

Posted by carolynswift on Oct 05, 2012 at 1:21pm

Thank you everyone so so much!  I’m doing okay most of the time…better, worse, better, worse, depending on the day.  I was busy working last week and then got walking pneumonia so it’s been hard to have any time to think about anything which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

JustLaugh, I completely agree with adoption just being a different path.  I hate how every adoption site I looked at, or application I read, said that you need to deal with it, get counseling, etc. before you can adopt.  That just seems ridiculous to me.  Plenty of people adopt and have bio children so I don’t see why it should matter which one comes first.

We told our MIL just a few days ago since we’ve both been feeling very sensitive with the due date coming up.  Almost every friend I had that was due around the same time has had their babies already so that’s been a little hard…most of them struggled for a long time too though so I can’t be anything but happy for them really.

MIL thankfully reacted VERY well.  She cried and said she wished she could carry a baby for us.  She said she had thought about this before so she wasn’t surprised and that she believed maybe we were chosen for this situation.  I’m so so so relieved that she’s handled it so well.  Knowing that, I’m not too worried about anyone else now.  Having that info out really helps me feel so much better.

Hopefully in the days to come things will just feel better and better.  I appreciate everyone’s support so much!

Posted by lonesapphire on Oct 19, 2012 at 8:44am
Posted by Supdub on Jun 29, 2014 at 12:25am

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