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Infertile, gave up on any more babies, until...

My story is a page from a book.
I went through IVF in june. failed, told I can’t do anymore cycles. My surrogate was so sad. She went through a rough time because she was so looking forward to helping us expand our family.
Fast forward to today. She may be pregnant. She cant take care of the baby. She wants us to possibly take the baby if she chooses to give it up for adoption. We were floored. I mean we had just gotten used to the idea that we would be empty nesters in a few years and boom, Hey , want to start over? The parents look like younger versions of us, and no own would even know that we didnt go through with IVF, because its the same woman and everything. the only difference is that the child wouldnt biologically be ours.

I dont have an issue with that, I have a son I adopted previously. He is 15. I have a 13 year old.

All the emotions.

I am not even sure what to think or do. Any suggestions?


Are you saying you plan on adopting this woman’s child and lying about it being yours and she was just a surrogate?
Really bad idea. Lies eventually come to light and the child wont appreciate it. Also, even if the mother goes ahead with relinquishment she has no way of knowing how she will feel about losing her own child as opposed to one where she actually was a surrogate. Even if you lie to everyone else, she will know and thats a pretty big red flag.
Plus, the child isn’t just the mother’s to hand over to you. They have a father, and the father will have to also agree to an adoption.
You say your oldest child is adoptive; how would he feel about his adoption when another occurs and in this one you are pretending it’s not an adoption but a surrogacy? If you have been telling him adopted is just like a bio child, and then you adopt but pretend it’s actually your bio child, what does that say to him?
In an age where everybody with $60 can get a DNA test, there are no secrets.

Posted by NoraT on Oct 16, 2020 at 4:05pm

Thats not what I am saying at all. I am saying that I had given up on having kids, and now that woman that was going to be my surrogate maybe pregnant and has asked me to take the baby because she can’t care for a child financially or emotionally right now. She works two jobs and still cant afford a place to live because of the costs of livign these days. She is trying to do the right thing. she would be included in the childs life because she is my best friend. The father is dating someone else at the moment, and isnt interested in a relationship. The mom wants the baby raised in a stable environment and she knows she cant give that. I would never lie. Like I said I have another child that is adopted. I have no reason to lie. We would raise the baby as Our own, but never lie about it being ours. Your right lies do come out, but a loving family and honesty at the right junctures are the best way to be. I mean you dont walk around telling a kid your adopted your mom didnt want you, thats not good either, or your adopted your mom couldnt take care of you. Its I love you and I got to raise you and I am so lucky. How about that. I live that. I love that. My son who is adopted loves it too.

Posted by Morninbrd on Oct 20, 2020 at 2:13pm

Thanks for clarifying. Wish all all of you well.

Posted by NoraT on Oct 22, 2020 at 5:37am

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