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Reluctant Family

Husband is no longer on board


I am separated right now. After three years of fertility issues, my husband wants to give up on ever having a baby. I want to adopt, but he can’t get his head around it. I can’t bare the idea of never having a child. So, I am 43, live in Colorado, have always wanted a child and am now considering adoption as a single mom. I think I may have to be divorced, but don’t feel ready yet. I am nor sure if I have to be divorced a certain amount of time. It seems crazy to wait when I have already been through 3 yrs. of waiting…

I am open to adoption domestically or internationally. I have heard that there are sometimes maximum age differences between mom and baby. I am hoping for a child 2yrs. or younger. I would like to adopt for $30,000 or less(!). So, money, being newly separated (or divorced), and my age, seem to be against me. Does anybody have any advice (numbers/names) or suggestions? I just want to love and call a child my own.

Thanks so much smile

Replies

You can’t adopt as a single parent while you are married. You have some big decisions to make. You can try to reconcile with him, work on the marriage and maybe be childless.(or he could change his mind)
OR you can decide this is a deal breaker and you want to adopt as a single parent which means divorce, new home study. I don’t know which countries besides the USA accept single moms. The age issue will also be different country to country and any regulations can change anytime.
I would reserch some then make up apro and con listand decide.

Posted by Regina on Mar 14, 2013 at 7:00am

Many men are reluctant and even women, but over time that sometimes changes.

It is just hard for you now that time has passed to have to wait longer as the longer you wait the harder it may get. Sometimes there are age restrictions. Your budget is high enough you will have more options than some and it could happen faster than some.

My husband wanted to foster. He wanted to experience parenting before he committed. I think he was scared and wanted experience. I thought he was crazy. I was annoyed he wanted something I did not—at the time. I knew fostering would be harder emotionally. We did it and he was great at it and after that adoption was a non-issue, we were both on board. He was fine at the start having 0 and now we have 3 and is on board for another. Things do sometimes change. Sometimes is the key. It can’t be forced. You have to wait/hope or move on without him.

Maybe lay out all the options and see if he would consider any option at all now or in the future.

If not you have to make the hard choice between your husband and having a child.

Posted by Private And Foster Mom on Mar 14, 2013 at 7:37am

This is a tough situation for you.  The only useful information I have is that some countries do let single women adopt, some do not, but many will make exceptions if you are willing to adopt a “special needs” child. 

Internationally this means something different than it means to most Americans.  Internationally special needs children can have severe needs, but they often put children with more mild needs under this umbrella as well:  those with extra fingers or toes, children over 18 months old, a child who needs a cleft palate surgery, those with one leg shorter than the other, or those with developmental delays, which when mild, can often be corrected medically or fade away as a child is in a stable home.  Those sorts of things. 

God Bless!

Posted by emilybth on Mar 14, 2013 at 7:11pm

Rainbowkids.com has a country specifics section that tells you the basic requirements of a country in regards to single/married requirements and age requirements. (Generally the requirements may be more lenient the older the child.  Your age however is not particularly old so you will easily meet the requirements of many countries.)

Your specifics sound right in line with a number of countries in terms of age, cost, and being single…but you’d have to check to be sure. I think it is more usual that if married they want you to be married a number of years, I have never heard the requirement in regards to being single.

It sounds however like you may not be ready to divorce and be single..so you might want to go one of the other routes if your husband is interested….ie foster, or host children, counseling…to see if his feelings or yours may change.

Hope this helps!

Posted by Happy Camper on Mar 15, 2013 at 4:31am

Beacon House has a Moldova program that allows single mothers to adopt as long as they are under 50 years.  You can adopt boys or girls starting at the age of 2.  You can read all about their program on their website http://www.beaconhouseadoption.com/moldova-adoption.html
The cost is right around $30,000.  I used Beacon House to adopt my daughter from Russia.  The agency is one of the best for international adoptions.  We had the smoothest process of anyone I have talked to thus far, and the wait time was less than a year!

Posted by Milly on Mar 18, 2013 at 9:54pm

1.  Your age is not a barrier to adoption.  Many people, and I am one of them, adopt when they are over 50; I brought home my daughter from China, who was 18.5 months old, when I was 51 and single.  Even for domestic agency or private adoption, where a pregnant woman may be involved in decision-making about plans for her baby, women in their early 40s are rarely considered too old.

2.  As some folks have already mentioned, you cannot adopt as single if you are married, or as married if you are single.  You are still legally married, so you will need to get a divorce if you plan to adopt as a single, and your husband will definitely have to “be on board” if you plan to adopt as married.  The homestudy social worker will actually reject couples where one partner is not really committed to adoption.

3.  Many, many single people adopt.  Most U.S. agencies accept singles.  You can adopt through domestic agency adoption, domestic private adoption, adoption through the foster care system, or adopt from a foreign country that accepts singles.  The number of countries allowing singles to adopt healthy infants has declined, but if you are open to older children or children with special needs, you can easily find a program.

4.  Adoption professionals know that a stable living situation is critical to the success of any adoption.  As a result, you will generally be expected to wait at least a year from the time of your divorce, before you adopt.  You will need to figure out where you want to live, how to manage a job and parenting at the same time, how to do all the things your husband may have done before—from getting the car fixed to dealing with bill-paying—and so on.  You will also need to deal with grief that is normal following a divorce, even one that was really ugly.

5. Domestic agency adoption of a healthy newborn is the most expensive way to go.  International adoption costs vary by country, and are based on things like the number of trips overseas that are required, whether the child is healthy or has special needs, and so on.  If you are open to special needs, the agency may discount its fees in certain cases.  Domestic private adoption can be very cheap—or very expensive.  The reason for the disparity is that, if you are lucky to find a good match quickly, you may wind up paying only for a homestudy and a lawyer’s assistance with finalization.  However, many private adoptions fall through, and many inexperienced prospective parents fall prey to scams involving situations like women who pretend that they are pregnant in order to get you to pay living expenses, and these problems can raise costs substantially.  The least expensive option is adoption from foster care, but the likelihood of finding a legally free, healthy baby under two years old is quite small, especially if you will consider only Caucasian babies.

Sharon

Posted by sak9645 on Aug 05, 2015 at 11:11pm

1.  Your age is not a barrier to adoption.  Many people, and I am one of them, adopt when they are over 50; I brought home my daughter from China, who was 18.5 months old, when I was 51 and single.  Even for domestic agency or private adoption, where a pregnant woman may be involved in decision-making about plans for her baby, women in their early 40s are rarely considered too old.

2.  As some folks have already mentioned, you cannot adopt as single if you are married, or as married if you are single.  You are still legally married, so you will need to get a divorce if you plan to adopt as a single, and your husband will definitely have to “be on board” if you plan to adopt as married.  The homestudy social worker will actually reject couples where one partner is not really committed to adoption.

3.  Many, many single people adopt.  Most U.S. agencies accept singles.  You can adopt through domestic agency adoption, domestic private adoption, adoption through the foster care system, or adopt from a foreign country that accepts singles.  The number of countries allowing singles to adopt healthy infants has declined, but if you are open to older children or children with special needs, you can easily find a program.

4.  Adoption professionals know that a stable living situation is critical to the success of any adoption.  As a result, you will generally be expected to wait at least a year from the time of your divorce, before you adopt.  You will need to figure out where you want to live, how to manage a job and parenting at the same time, how to do all the things your husband may have done before—from getting the car fixed to dealing with bill-paying—and so on.  You will also need to deal with grief that is normal following a divorce, even one that was really ugly.

5. Domestic agency adoption of a healthy newborn is the most expensive way to go.  International adoption costs vary by country, and are based on things like the number of trips overseas that are required, whether the child is healthy or has special needs, and so on.  If you are open to special needs, the agency may discount its fees in certain cases.  Domestic private adoption can be very cheap—or very expensive.  The reason for the disparity is that, if you are lucky to find a good match quickly, you may wind up paying only for a homestudy and a lawyer’s assistance with finalization.  However, many private adoptions fall through, and many inexperienced prospective parents fall prey to scams involving situations like women who pretend that they are pregnant in order to get you to pay living expenses, and these problems can raise costs substantially.  The least expensive option is adoption from foster care, but the likelihood of finding a legally free, healthy baby under two years old is quite small, especially if you will consider only Caucasian babies.

Sharon

Posted by sak9645 on Aug 05, 2015 at 11:11pm

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