I would see if it even comes up. Are her drug tests positive during pg or negative. Does she have drug use in her history but has been clean during her pg? My experience is that it is easier to close doors than it is to open them. Meaning that you could agree to the visits unless at some time EITHER party wants to stop them. That makes her feel like she has a say as well. Maybe it’s too painful for her, or she moves far away, or whatever reason. She has a say so as well. Always keep in touch with your agency and they can help you. We didn’t go through those guidelines until the BM was signing TPR paperwork.Good luck! Exciting time!

“My experience is that it is easier to close doors than it is to open them. Meaning that you could agree to the visits unless at some time EITHER party wants to stop them. That makes her feel like she has a say as well.”
As long as she realises it really means, “if I, the AP, feel like closing the adoption, I’ll do so any time I like”. 

Whatever one promises, one should stick to - it would be dishonest to prromise openness and then close it.

Hi.
We are still waiting to adopt but like you have always figured on an open adoption. If you were asked (I wouldn’t bring it up, especially the first call) and I were you I would agree to the visits. This doesn’t mean you have to bring the child to her home since you say “it’s not a great home situation”. Perhaps visit in a public neutral location or if you live close to the adoption agency you could meet there. I would hope that even if there was some drug use she wouldn’t arrive for a visit under the influence. But if you see that visits are causing problems for whatever reason, I would again talk to your adoption professional to help iron them out. It is always scary to agree to do something when you don’t know all the facts but as with many aspects of adoption we have to take a leap of faith that all will be ok and if you really think about it who is taking a bigger leap, us for agreeing to once a year visits or the Birth mom who just let you take her baby home.

Also, I really think it would be awful to agree to openness and not follow through. As to the possibility of the Birth mom changing her mind about visits. That would be her prerogative but as adoptive parents we should do what we say we are going to do.

Good Luck and Congratulation!

I agree with 1adoptionmiracle. When the subject of visits does come up, if you are open to them, say so. DD’s birthmother lives in another state, but she used to live out here and wants to move back someday. I told her if she did, that we’d be open to visits, as long as there were no drugs involved. I just said it right like that. She didn’t take offense and understood that we just wanted to make sure our DD wasn’t exposed to that.

I was in a similar situation. I just said it, as nice as I could. I said we would love you to be part of her life as long as you are safe and healthy and aren’t a threat to her. She really appreciated that we said that and understood.

we have had this conversation with both of our son’s birthparents since drugs are the reason he was available for adoption to begin with (he was born with meth addiction)

I truly love both of them (he is my cousin and she is his wife) and want them to e very involved in our son’s life, but they know that our drug policy is non negotiable and were told that from day one in the family group conference at the CPS office when we decided to adopt (actually at that time the plan was to foster until parental reunification but the judge decided against reunification so our plan then became adoption)

Since they have known our stance on drugs for many years anyway it did make it easier, but it also set our conditions for visits from the begining and both of them are willing to submit to drug testing whenever we ask.

I always find being upfront and honest is always the best policy. I also have discovered that even those who use drugs agree it shouldn’t be part of a childs life and understand the concern and appriciate someone caring enough for their child to stand up for them.

I would only commit to what you are willing to do, because you are basically making a promise to her that you need to stand by (unless something goes seriously wrong).  I think you can basically share with her what you’ve shared here…you could say nicely that you are “open” to once a year visits, but want to get to know her first before you can “commit” to that, and ask her if that would be okay with her, and then agree on when you would let her know that.  (I think it should be before the baby is born to be fair to her, so it can be written into your post-adoption contact agreement.) 

You can also say in a general way, that you would be “open” to once a year visits with a birthmom who is healthy/safe for your child to be around, but wouldn’t be “comfortable” with visits if in the future a birthmother started using drugs or became violent, etc. (whatever you are not willing to accept).  (This sets the parameters on what you are not willing to accept, and is the “something gone seriously wrong” clause in your commitment.) 

It is important for us as adoptive parents to keep commitments that we have made to our child’s birthmother, because she has made a very important decision in her/her child’s life based on what we’ve said and trusted us.  (It is best to have important commitments like types of contact/frequency written into your post-adoption contact agreement and have it filed with the court , so that you both have clear expectations about things and a copy of it to refer to.)  Wishing you well… let us know how everything goes if you would like to.     
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Sounds like good advice. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to “dangle the carrot” of visits and then take it away, so I want to be pretty clear that we’re open to visits but would like to get to know eachother better and that we will stop the visits if she’s using drugs, but will always update with letters and pics no matter what. The hard part is the “getting to know you” part, because it’s a very quick match…it could be any day now, so we don’t know enough to make a decision on whether she’s stable and safe and such. So for now I guess it’s a cautious “we’ll see.” I really would like to have an open relationships with visits work out, so I’m hoping it will turn out well. We’re excited though!