What if you approached this in terms of what is safe and healthy for your child instead of whether the birth parents are safe and healthy?

As you talk through it you could suggest that you are open to visits as long as they are safe and healthy for your child and if a visit was scheduled and needed to be rescheduled for whatever reason, you would work to reschedule it as soon as possible with no questions asked?

This is a relationship and relationships and circumstances change over time. This approach gives everyone the flexibility they need in a respectful manner while always keeping the child’s needs at the forefront.

Just a thought that I hope helps.
Hal

I think you will be setting a bad precedent for the relationship if you tell her this. I don’t know the extent of the drug use, but it seems unfair to place a judgement on her future behavior at this point. I don’t think that anyone would fault you for renaging on a promised visit if you find out then that she is using. No need to start off on a bad foot.

Remember, she doesn’t know much about you, either…she might make some judgements, as well, which would not seem fair to you, never having met you.

Best of luck.

Agree to visits and deal with it in a year. She says she wants visits now she may change her mind later. Don’t lose a situation over future potential issues.

Agreed. Avoid caveats to your promises. Speak your words carefully so you know you’re not lying - “we’ve always hoped for an open relationship with our child’s biological parent… that would be ideal for us” - but your first meeting isn’t the time or place to express possible concerns about her ability to fit into your ideal IMHO. UNLESS you are really not open to an open adoption, in which you should speak up and tell her so. But I think you are.

Good luck. I’m sure it will go well.

I have to agree with all of the above…however i also understand where your coming from. as a waiting and single adoptive parent my child’s welfare and well being is my first priority. i myself don’t completely feel comfortable with the extent of the open adoption concept especially when drugs and alcohol are involved.

so i will tell you what another waiting adoptive parent told me. when talking about visits with the BM, in the beginning especially if its a quick match with little to no time to get to know one another you can be vague and still be honest until you feel comfortable or feel out the type of person she is for yourself.

you have plenty of time to make decisions on how the BM will participate in your family. No matter what you’ve heard or feel. ultimately its your final and sole decision once your baby is in your home and the papers have been signed.

I hope I can help you. My first suggestion is to be honest. We spoke with our birthmother for about two weeks before our son was born. We knew she was using drugs (pot), but prior to delivery we found out it was more.We spent time with her prior to delivery. I stayed in the hospital with her over night. I was in the delivery room when our son was born.

Remember she is a person yes drugs are not an ideal situation. Our birthmother was always treated as a druggy. We treated her like anyone else you would meet. She is a nice person, but she made bad decisions. But, she made the decision to give us her son to give him a good life full of love. It is very selfless. She has stressed how much she wants to have a better life. Our hope is she will be able to do it.

After our son was born things got ugly (wont go into details)things were said and we walked away with no contact for a few weeks. We sent her pictures like we promised and she reached out to us. We are communicating now through emails and phone calls once a week.

We are willing to met with her once a year probably at a restaurant. So we can visit without worrying about anything bad.

“Agree to visits and deal with it in a year. She says she wants visits now she may change her mind later. Don’t lose a situation over future potential issues.”

I’m sure that singlewannaadopt didn’t mean it this way, but when I read that advice I hear, “Agree to whatever she wants now so you can keep the match. Then, after you have the child, you can do whatever you want.”

When one matches, one must consider the desires of the expectant parents. One should not agree to more than one expects to live up to. The birthmother might not want visits in the future, but, then again, she very well may. Never agree to more than you’re comfortable with and always be upfront.