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How to help foster mom losing her daughter of 2 years.


We are adopting my niece who lives out-of-state with the same fostermom since she was 2 months old (she’s almost 2 now).  We have been the adoptive resource since the beginning and we have met the foster mom and she’s very supportive of the adoption but I can’t imagine how painful this will be for her.

What are some nice things that we can do for the foster mom during this transition?  She has been a wonderful fostermom for my niece and I want to be sure to not say or do anything that will make this harder for her and in fact would like to do some thoughtful things to help her through this transition.

Any creative/nice ideas??

Replies

I’ve seen a cute figure by Willow Tree that symbolize a woman and child, something along that line would be nice. If you have the talent you could make her a scrapbook of their time together(this might also make a nice gift for your niece.) 

I think one of the nicest things you can do is keep in touch with her. As a fosterparent, I carry my former foster children in my heart and alway wonder where they are and if they are okay. It is nice that you can acknowledge how hard this will be for her.
Good luck with the transition and congrats.

Posted by 2fosteradoptmoms on Jun 03, 2012 at 12:33pm

If the media would publish stories like this foster to adoption stories would be springing up all over the country!  God’s richest blessings to you for acknowledging the great job of a great foster family.  I am certain it helps that you are family and that you already have some relationship.  The harder transition is the one where you are not sure about the child after they leave your foster home.  If you can keep an open line of communication that would be excellent.  Check with the foster family to see if that would be a gift to them since I know some families who would rather just allow the transition to be closure and not hear about the child after that.  If someone were nice enough to ask me directly what I would prefer I would be happy to express my thoughts and would be touched that they were thinking about me and my transition.

Posted by Susan on Jun 03, 2012 at 6:52pm

Honestly if she is anything like me nothing will really make it “better” for her. But offer an open adoption with her. Maybe email and pictures a few times a year or even visits.  I just lost my fosters on of a little over a year and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. And I’ve suffered miscarriages and infertility. Sadly, my son went home to his mother who hates me and was always jealous of my relationship with him.  I will never have any contact or knowledge of how he is again.  That’s been very hard.  Ask her what she wants or would like during this time and after your niece has come to live with you.  Good luck. My heart goes out to you all.  Don’t forget your niece will also be grieving the loss of the only mother she has known too.  Help her through this too.

Posted by singlewannaadopt on Jun 03, 2012 at 8:00pm

Personally, I think the best thing you can do is to keep in touch with her or even keep her in your daughter’s life.  As a foster mom, I am lucky enough to be involved in the lives of some of the children I have fostered.  Being friends with their families and being involved in their lives has been the best gift anyone could give me.  It is always hard to say goodbye to a child you love but being able to see them thriving can really help.  But I do agree with Susan that you should ask the foster mom what she would prefer.

Posted by Wryn42 on Jun 03, 2012 at 8:38pm

I think it will be hardest on your neice. Personally, we keep in constant contact with our daughters foster mom. We sent her flowers on mothers day and on moving day. We also asked her to be our DD’s godmother. We call her fairy godmother because she looked after her and protected her when her life was I. Turmoil.

Posted by aimee.artistry@gmail.com on Jun 03, 2012 at 10:02pm

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.  I love the last idea of referring to her as her “fairy godmother” because she looked after and protected her.

I’m thinking writing her a letter to try and put into words our gratitude for everything she has sacraficially done over the past 2 years and flowers would be nice for the initial transition….but definitely keeping in touch if she is open to that.  This lady is a HUGE part of our daughter’s story!

Posted by geofour on Jun 14, 2012 at 8:21pm

I agree with much of what was said about keeping up communication with the FM.  I also agree that the biggest concern right now is for your daughter.  It is vital that an active transition plan be in place so that she can detach from FM, then attach to you.  It took 3 months, from 6 to 9 months old, for our foster son to see us and his birth father as both “safe”, freely going between the two of us during dyadic therapy sessions instead of only coming to me.  Making the transition a healthy one and keeping up communication will be key in the health of your DD and your family.

Posted by We2Three on Jun 17, 2012 at 12:38am

I purchased a birthstone necklace (with my son’s birth stone) for my son’s foster “nana”.  She was in her sixties so had no desire to be a mom again, and had adopted from foster care herself.  I had thought of a locket with a picture too….We stayed in touch after that, even though it was an interstate adoption.  My son has a picture of the three of us on his dresser to this day (twelve years later).

Posted by dq on Jun 21, 2012 at 9:37pm

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