Hi,
My case is probably quite different as I live in the country that i have adopted from - Bolivia so we connect by being a part of the community.  We have worked here in poor communities for 7+ years and have had our girls for 4 years with their adoption being finalised in January this year. 
I have some ideas though as we are preparing to move back to NZ later this year (not because we want to but because of work).  Depending on the children’s age - find a playgroup that speaks their language if they speak something other than English (try and learn it too).  Find a cultural group or make friends with people from their country - their experience may be different if they have chosen to live in the USA but at least they can relate a bit.  Make life colourful for them - cultures, foods, clothing, don’t expect them to just be little ‘brown/black’?? Americans.  Find books and music and so onto fill their life with variety and something of their origin.  Make it a family adventure or trip!!
I know it is different for me as I speak their language and their culture is now part of me but you can do that ‘at home’ too.
Finally - be careful with the charity thing or they may think they are just another kind charitable act on your behalf towards their ‘poor’ country.  Let them be proud to be Ethiopian Americans!!

For our family, in addition to the charity work and connections with native Guatemalans and Rwandans living in the U.S., it has been a huge priority to actually spend time in our childrens’ birth countries and to forge deep friendships with people living there. This has been financially and in other ways a huge stretch for us But when I see the pride my children take in their birth countries, and the ‘ordinary’ day-to-day memories they have of the time we spent there, it feels priceless. 

http://www.adoptiongoddess.com

I have some questions that I would like to ask.  Why do you think birth culture is important?  How do families distinguish between birth culture and the cultural evolution for people who share ethnicity with their child in the country in which they now live?  (for example,  Chinese vs. Chinese-American culture for children born in China who are now living in the USA.)?
What do you think transracially adopted youngsters get out of exposure to birth culture?  What aspects of culture do you think/assume are helpful to them?  Why?
Who do you believe is capable OF transmitting birth culture (or hyphenated culture, such as Filipino-American culture) to transracially adopted children?

I do think there is a huge difference between birth culture and the “blended culture” inherent in growing up in a different country than your ancestors.  As a Mexican-American woman, married to a Jewish/Irish-American, with one birth daughter and an adopted Chinese daughter, I do think on this frequently. 

The reality is that there is no way to raise my child in a purely Chinese culture.  Even if I were to move to China, she would have parents with different racial identities compared to her and therefore, have a different cultural experience than her peers. 

That does not excuse me from doing my upmost to provide my adopted daughter (AND bio daughter) with all of the cultural information about their own ethnic heritage that they wish.  I do hear that some adopted (and bio) kids do not wish to identify themselves with their birth culture, but again, giving them the information and allowing them to do with it what they will is important to our family.

Language (to the best of our ability), foods, history, holidays, etc. are the minimum we try to share with our girls.  That includes not only their birth culture, but their family’s culture and the American culture in which we live.  We are fortunate to have friends and family of all ethnicities and share those with our child as well. 

I guess my point is that I don’t want my child growing up feelling any different than any other kid.  But I also want my kids to feel comfortable and proud of who they are, where they came from and what they have created for themselves.  I don’t think there is a magic formula for doing this, but NOT talking about their origins doesn’t seem to be a good answer, so we are doing the best we can.

Thank you for raising the question, Jane.  I feel like I need to think about this a bit more.  Always a good thing!

Shawndra,
mom to 2 beautiful girls

Hi Shawndra,

  Thanks for your very thoughtful response.

I appreciated very much this discussion.We adopted two boys one is a national adoption the other one is international from Kenya.
I think the birth culture is very important for our sons identity and as well the adopted culture becouse is the culture where they live and grow up in.
I want my kids to feel comfortable and proud of who they are, where they came from and where they live.
It is important that the cultural differences that characterize our family are considered the wealth that makes our family so unique. Each family must be unique is that both adoptive and biological.

thank you for all your response

We are hoping to get a 16 year old place with us this summer.  I went to visit him this weekend along with his mom and two of his siblings.  I think for me I want to see him have a healthy identity and have strong, lifelong relationships with his family, extended family, and his tribe. 

What I think that will mean is making sure he is able to spend time with healthy adults from his ethnic community. We’ll have to make sure he is able to use his language in our home, even if it means bringing other people over for dinner.  Work with his teachers to get him home school credits for native language literacy work.  Participate in religious and spiritual activities and request parenting advice from elders. 

Actually… I think it’s going to be a lot of work.  The kid is worth it.

Hi maybe-adoption.  While this is somewhat off-topic, I am going to respond to what you shared in your post to the group, since others, too, may someday consider adopting a teenager.

    By the age of sixteen, an individual’s cultural identity is nearly fully-formed.  Rather than your needing to help him stay connected to his tribe, his family’s and tribe’s cultural ways, the issue is going to be whether or not he will be open to yours.  He may not be, regardless of what he says now.

    I have to wonder why he is becoming available for adoption if he is living with his mom and two of his siblings, and whether this is a good idea—for him, for you.  I know that you mean well, but he has to be asking why everyone is so willing to separate him from his family, instead of offering support services so that his family can remain intact.  He may be being coached to say that he wants to be adopted, because others have convinced him that he will have better opportunities and more material wealth, amongst other things, but he may secretly (or not so secretly—when the social workers aren’t around) be stating clearly that he will never, psychologically, sever his ties with his family.  I hope that he has been working with a very competent, adoption-savvy therapist.  I also hope that you and your husband/partner—if there are two of you—are receiving a very thorough and complete education about what it is like to adopt a teenager, and that you know lots of adoptive parents who HAVE adopted teenagers and are already part of your support system.

    Regarding culture acquisition, I also hope that you are prepared for the possibility that this youngster may reject your cultural ways and community because he has strong ties to his own that he does not wish to give up.  If you have not been a part OF that community—the practitioners OF his culture—that could be quite difficult for him and for you. 

    Unfortunately, as prospective adoptive parents, we often confuse the excitement and interest of an older child in sampling our family and culture with true motivation to become one with our families.  They cannot begin to imagine what it will feel like when its no longer possible to keep using the party manners, or grow tired of the exotic newness and grow homesick for what, to them, is “normal.”  It is only then that we, as adoptive parents, begin to have an inkling of just how much work it is going to be—for them, for us—and that reality is not going to match our expectations (expectations which, in most cases, we didn’t even realize that we had or couldn’t easily shed). 

  Maybe I am completely wrong, here, and you are very well acquainted with his tribe’s culture, have incorporated much of it into how you live, and are very prepared to help him continue to live by it.  I may also be raising lots of things that you already are on top of.  If so, I sincerely apologize.  If not, please know that I get concerned about fellow adoptive parents (and prospective adoptive parents) because I so often am in the business, professionally, of trying to help them deal with the fallout from poor adoption practices when agencies don’t have a clue as to what they are doing, and land people in situations they were not prepared for, and which hurt them. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

There were some specific reasons why I asked the questions I did in my first post.  I’ll explain.

    Over the years, I have watched as the idea that our kids need exposure to their birth culture took hold and gained popularity, without adoptive parents really examining why they think that way, other than just following along because “everyone” says so.  Or without really delving into what cultural competence really and truly is.  Or considering what differentiates birth culture from hyphenated culture—the blending of cultural ways, and the shedding or modifying of cultural ways that occurs when people emigrate to a new country and culture—that continues to evolve over generations.  Or consider what facets of culture are useful, from what are superficial and do not, in any way, aid individuals in integrating into their ethnic group—either here, in the country in which they are now living, or there—in the country of their birth should they return for visits or to work or to study or to live. 

      Many adoptive parents have gone along with the popular trend and assume that he child’s birth culture is superior to their own, necessary for him/her to acquire, and all-wonderful.  That, in my mind, is not a good idea.  First, any and every culture has terrific ideas and ways to think/live/work/conduct relationships/communicate/express themselves—which is what culture IS, but also has some not-so-terrific facets.  When people emigrate to another place, they often shed those ideas or practices or beliefs that they find to be not so wonderful, and either modify how they think/believe/work/live/interact or shed the old cultural way entirely.  Those they keep stay as they were when they emigrated, while the cultural ways that are practiced/modified/modernized in their country-of-origin CHANGE with time.  To KNOW one’s child’s original culture means that one has to delve into all of this in-depth, and not just acquire a superficial and exotic idea of what that birth culture is. The kids refer to that as “fake” culture, by the way, and they abhor parents’ overzealous fascination and focus, which often catapults them into not wanting anything at all to do with their parents’ version of their birth culture. 

      Secondly, I think too many adoptive parents think that if they can learn about and expose their children to birth culture, they can skip over having to talk about, face, or deal with racial differences.  They can have fun.  They can celebrate.  They can organize fantastic gatherings.  And they don’t have to deal with the less-than-wonderful issues involved with racial difference and racism. 

    Many also think that finding and recruiting newly-emigrated, first generation immigrants to teach culture is the best way to go, in terms of exposing their children to birth culture.  Unfortunately, as soon as the children are old enough to speak for themselves, they end up thinking that those folks know NOTHING about what it is like to go to a school that is racially diverse or in which there are very few kids of color with shared ethnic heritage.  That they do not really have much wisdom to pass along to them for how to navigate life in our society, because they are still beginners, themselves. They give advice, but it is not expert advice that they can use.  The kids also have a firsthand, up close and personal, front row seat to all of the stereotypes that White society has about their racial-ethnic group, and about first-generation immigrants (if they—the children—are international adoptees who are looking at their same-race/ethnic adult counterparts). 

    Very few of our children will grow up and decide to spend more than a few weeks in their original homeland.  Some will go to study or work or travel for a few months, and a smaller number may return to live there for a year or more, but they are in the VAST minority.  So their need to become culturally competent in the cultural ways of their birth country is quite limited.  While their need to become culturally competent amongst their hyphenated ethnic group (Ethiopian-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Filipino-Americans, Korean-Americans, Chinese-Americans, and so forth) is far more pressing.  If they return to their homelands, they will do so as foreigners, just as their fellow hyphenated-Americans will, as well. 

    What they do benefit from is to learn about, acquire skills, and be coached as to how to interact within their ethnic community. They do NOT need to learn how to make crafts. They do not need to learn how to dance.  They do not need to learn how to wear native garb.  They DO benefit from becoming familiar with the cuisine, table manners, the taste of the cuisine. HOWEVER, being served in restaurant where people who look like them are serving and are nearly invisible,  instead of joining them at table—is NOT necessarily a constructive message.
To really become culturally competent is to grow up with the chopsticks next to the forks (if one is of Korean heritage, for example), to have the smell of kimchee in YOUR refrigerator so that it is an everyday experience rather than something “special,” (read: weird, exotic, different).  To know whether its polite or impolite to belch at the table after a good meal, and to do this at home, surrounded by your family and native practitioners of “your birth culture.”

      To be culturally competent is to know what the norms are amongst many to most people with shared-ethnic heritage, and to believe/assume similar attitudes about work, education, aging and the elderly, how elderly grandparents deserve to be cared for, money and how it is used or saved, etc….

      Acquiring cultural competence or nurturing this in your child is or should be about giving your child the skills and practices necessary to feel kinship with people like him/her, to appreciate their cultural ways, to be able to fit in so that later, they can choose whether or not to assimilate into that group.  Being Chinese-American may mean that one has Chinese-American friends with whom they like to share pizza with on Friday nights, but with whom they will not have to answer nosy, intrusive questions. 

    Traveling to or living in your child’s country-of-origin is a wonderful opportunity, just as living in ANY other country offers lots of interesting and terrific experiences.  It MAY yield more familiarity and comfort with, more immersion in birth culture.  However, that does not mean that we are off the hook, in my opinion, from dealing with race and racism.  Nor does it mean that we can skip over helping our child figure out how to navigate the cultural differences in the country in which they will spend most of their childhood and their adult years.  Nor do I think we want to convey the message that we think their birth culture is better.  It is just different, and AS worthy and valuable as any other. 

    I had an interesting exchange with an adoptive mom one weekend when I was presenting. She has pale blonde hair, vivid blue eyes, and very light-colored skin.  She INSISTED that she is Chinese-American (that that is her ethnic heritage)
because her children were adopted from China. 
I respectfully disagreed, and said that I saw her as part of a multi-racial and multi-cultural family, but as an individual who retains the ethnic heritage with which she was born.  The adult adoptees agreed and she finally grasped what we were saying.  Her daughter—who is twelve—was extremely appreciative and told her mom that she was embarrassed when she made that claim, especially in front of her Chinese-American friends. The mom had made the claim on the basis of thinking that she has acquired Chinese culture.

    One of my sons, who was born in Korea and came to the US for the purpose of adoption age age 8 1/2, now lives and works in Korea, and is raising his son there.  (my grandson is 10 now).  Although my son speaks Korean and considers himself to be culturally competent—well able to function, he frequently tells stories (just like all of the other Korean adoptees who have lived or are living in Korea do), of how he is easily spotted as a foreigner, even when he doesn’t speak.  Its the way he holds his body, his sense of personal space, the way he walks, his gestures—that give him away.  He is not unhappy.  He likes being a hybrid—both Korean AND American.  His son (my grandson) thinks differently.  “I am an AMERICAN boy, Halmony (grandmother)!” he insists.  “Why don’t you tell my daddy that he should move back to America where I belong?” he begs each time they visit. (he has been living in Korea since he was two years-old). 

    Too often, I think that our beliefs about what race, ethnicity, and culture are, and are NOT—are not very clear.  Too often, I think that our ideas about what our kids need and how to provide that are not very well thought out, and instead, we are merely succumbing to popular trends in the adoption community that may not be very sound.  I want to encourage us all to think more about this, and have the courage to make independent decisions that are evidence-based.  I have seen far too many transracially adopted youngsters RUN from people with shared ethnic and racial heritage because their parents zealously insisted that they participate in every and any cultural event and gathering (many of which were not truly representative of birth culture but were, instead, orchestrated by white adoptive parents who are not practitioners OF that culture). I overheard two little girls adopted from China talking to each other at a Chinese New Year dinner.  One said to the other: “my Chinese friends say that my Mom is trying to be more Chinese than they are, even though she’s not.  I don’t even admit that I am Chinese.  When anyone asks, I tell them that I am Guatemalan because I am so sick of my mom making me do this fake-Chinese stuff!”

Jane A. Brown, MSW

We had a similar conversation tonight at my MNO with other moms who had adopted transracially—whether children adopted from Ethiopia would be perceived as Ethiopian or black as they grew up, and whether they would be more likely to identify with second generation or first generation immigrants . . .

We are in the middle of adopting an American born Cambodian boy from foster care and it’s been an interesting thing to be, shall we say, culturally sensitive?!  I find myself walking an interesting line where I want to retain his pride in being Cambodian, but want to be very careful not to turn his room/life into some sort of contrived Camboian cultural mash up. At the urging of his CASA we did put some Cambodian things in his room to demonstrate that he was being exposed to things that are part of his culture. We were careful however to make sure there was a reason to have them beyond that they come from Cambodia. The silk pillows have elephants on them and are blue as those are things he likes (We let him pick). The picture of Angor Wat is because he traveled there and liked it. However, I doubt we will be going any further, as he wants to be (and very much is) an American boy. He likes his bike, and Legos, and Christmas. We have the traditions that come with being part of our family, and have added things such as attending Cambodian new year celebrations. We like to explore all kinds of food from all around the world, with some Cambodian mixed in.

What is interesting to me, is that when he came to us at age eight he knew almost nothing of his birth culture. His birth mother was born and raised there, but shared almost nothing, including language. He has been delighted to learn more, but his birth family was determined to make him “American”. I wonder if some of the emphasizing of birth cultures is a lack of understanding on our part(s). I myself am largely Germanic, and while I do know of and practice some of my heritage, I make traditional foods at certain times of year, etc., I do not speak the language or attend culturally specific events. Does this make me less proud of my heritage? No. It just makes me American.

I hope I didn’t offend, but I do find all of this quite interesting. I also hope that my son will continue to be proud of his heritage and happily tell people that he’s Cambodian. I however also know that no amount of Cambodian dumplings will change that he is a brown skinned boy with white parents. Recently he told me that when he moved in he wasn’t sure about us “cuz you’ve got white skin”. I asked him how he felt now, and he said “Yeah, it’s ok now. Our family is just different like that”.