You definitely need to tell him sooner rather than later. You want to make sure that anything he learns about how he came into this world comes from YOU and not someone else… especially someone who doesn’t use correct terminology (as in: “Who is your real mom?” or “You know she isn’t your real mom.”) The way we approached the subject with our 3 year old was very similar to the words you chose to use with your son. I decided to just have little conversations with her here and there as the subject came up. We read a children’s book called Chrysanthemum (in which the teacher is expecting a baby). We discussed that mommies carry babies in their tummies. (If you have any pregnant ladies in your church, it might be helpful to use them as an example.) We discussed how her Granny carried me in her tummy and how her Grandmommy carried her dad in her tummy before he was born. I told her that I wanted to be a mommy very, very much, but my tummy didn’t work the way it was supposed to, so I could not hold a baby inside my tummy. I told her that God asked another lady to carry her inside her tummy for me, and when a baby is born from someone else’s tummy that is called being adopted. I have only used those simple words; nothing more. I then showed her pictures of her birthmother and said, “This is the lady who carried you in her tummy for me.” I also showed her pictures of when she was a baby. Being afraid is natural, but it is much better to be open and upfront about his roots before he hears things that could be hurtful from others who don’t understand. And he will always know that YOU are his MOM! Never doubt that!

Thank you scadoptmom! I appreciate the encouragement and will definitely take your advice. We actually don’t know of any other children around us that are adopted so this is alien to him right now (actually an alien story would be a lot cooler). I love your wording and it actually described our situation perfectly. Thank you again!

Does anyone know of any Christian based children’s books that help introduce this?

Our only child was also adopted at birth, and interestingly - has ADHD, too.  But as far as the adoption story goes, I’d suggest mentioning it again - without making too big deal about it.  (Is it possible he didn’t want to hear you tell the story because he was just interested in a different favorite book?)  Last year when our daughter was 6, I made a photo book for her…telling her adoption story.  You may want to try something similar - most kids love books if they are in it. 

But I think you are right to start being more pro-active in making sure your son knows his adoption story sooner, rather than later.  Our daughter had heard us talk about her story so much growing up…that she thought ALL children were adopted!  It was just “normal” to her - and it’s just in the past year or two that she’s come to realize most of her peers are NOT adopted. 

A few weeks ago, she started asking me her first “tough” questions:  My birth mom is my real mom, right?  (me: she’s whose tummy you came from - but we’re both “real.”  She’s your real birth mom and I’m your real adopted mom.)  Why don’t I live with her?  (me: she chose your Dad & me to be your family, because she wasn’t old enough…not ready to raise a baby)  When she’s ready, will I go live with her?  (me:  no, you’re our daughter forever.  You can visit your birth mom if you like, just like you visit grandparents and cousins.  But you will always live with your Daddy and me.)

Yes, those questions freaked me out.  But I’m confident our daughter will always know I am her “real” mom.  And I’m positive your son will know that truth, too.  But as they age, they’ll hear and learn that adoption means a separation from birth family.  So they will ask questions, while trying to reconcile this fact with the loving adoptive family they have.

So…I’d just try talking about it again when the subject comes up naturally.  But if your son really seems uncomfortable hearing the story, it could be that he’s already heard negative talk of what adoption means.  In that case, I might dig a bit harder, and try to correct whatever misconceptions he may have.

God Found Us You is a good book from a Christian perspective.

Sorry - I just read your post about wanting Christian based children’s books.  I don’t know any, but will keep a look out.  In the meantime, keep an eye out for Biblical characters that were adopted.  You’ll realize there’s quite a few…and some make for great bedtime stories. 

Thank you both so much for your suggestions. Risorgimento I will definitely look into that book. I went to the local Christian book store the other day and was surprised that they had nothing!!
Lara I agree I am not looking forward to those questions! It sounds like you handled it gracefully though and I will have to keep those answers in mind
I am definitely going to start talking to him more as much as I would like to leave everything as it is. The last thing I would ever want is for it to be a shock when he’s older and him feel like he can’t trust me. Thanks!

Since you say that you have been talking about the adoption to other people in front of him, it sounds like it is an open secret.  I wonder if he doesn’t know how to talk about it with you simply because he has not had any practice (since you have not talked to him about it directly before). 

Maybe you could make it a car story—follow up what you have already told him by telling him as much of his story as he is ready for when you are driving somewhere in the car.  The car is nice because other distractions are minimized and it’s less intense because you are not looking at him.  But also make it clear that you are there to process any feelings that this “old news” may stimulate with him.

“Sometimes children your age start to wonder how they came to be in their families.  I think you already know that you were adopted.  Adopted means . . .” and go on to tell as much of the story as he seems to be ready for.

“Sometimes children who are adopted feel [insert your best read on what he is feeling] . . .  I wonder if this is because . . .  [Your dad] and me are always here for you when you are feeling/no matter what you are feeling . . . like the time [a relevant example from your family life]”

Be ready to introduce and reinforce the “always here for you no matter what”—esp. w/ examples of times where things were looking a little dicey and your family pulled together and came through just fine—you want to end with a good feeling.

When you are talking about Jesus’ birth story, you can talk about God’s plan for Jesus to have Joseph as a father, but I don’t think I would use this to introduce the topic, just as one among many ways to provide openings for further discussion when your son is ready.

Try Tapestry Books on the internet,they specialize in ALL types of adoption and are a great resource. Good luck.

Caroh, I love the car idea. My son does not, and never has, liked serious conversations. He gets very uncomfortable and his coping mechanism is to get goofy or change the subject. That should help me approach the subject in a way less intimidating for him.

Babydreams, I appreciate the suggestion and will look into that

My daughter is 6 months old and I talk to her about her adoption all the time. She’s brillliant, of course, but she doesn’t have a clue what I’m saying. I just wanted to say I LOVE THE CAR IDEA. And I love the way you explained it. Putting that in my repertoire beginning the next time I run out of things to talk about with DD!

Hi!  I can relate to what you shared about being scared that as your son gets older he won’t think of you as his “mom” anymore…I have felt scared about similar things too, about my daughters not thinking of me as their “real mom” and not feeling the same about me as they do now when they really understand about being adopted.  My daughters are 2 and 3 and I love this age, because I’m just simply their mommy right now, the same as mothers who have children by birth.  Even though I love them so much and wish they were born from me, that is not the case, and they will understand as they grow that they have two mothers and experience the different thoughts/feelings that come with adoption (as each adoptee is different too, I can’t say exactly what that will be, but just have to wait and see for each one).  I just hope that this doesn’t mean how they feel about me changes as they understand that they have two mothers, and I hope they will also love their birthmother too.  In some ways, I think this part of being an adoptive mom is harder for me and other ways maybe easier as an adoptee myself who is reunited with my birthmother. (For myself, my adoptive mom is my “mom”, and my birthmom is also my mother, just not my “mom.”  I love them both, and they are both special to me and in some ways it is special having two mothers that both love you.) 

My adoptive mom never wavered in her love for me and that she was my mom and I was her daughter, even though I gave her much grief as a teenager. So I think staying solid in our love for our children and that they are our children and we are their parents is good (even though we experience fears and it’s normal to do that), as well as knowing and embracing that they have another set of parents that they can love too and that love them, and that we both don’t take away from each other… in adoption, our children can have twice the love.  Hugs to you!

Kris.

Update: you all gave such wonderful advice and I was able to incorporate much of it. The adoption is a much more open topic now and I mention it to him often. I noticed that a lot of people celebrate “gotcha day” and we had never done that because it falls on Christmas day for us. Then it hit me, what a wonderful gift and what a wonderful way to explain to my son how special he truly is!!! Now I tell him about my favorite Christmas and the amazing gift that God himself gave me that year!
Tonight while getting out of the tub, I called him my baby… He said “when was I a baby?” so I took one of your suggestions and talked about how babies grow in their mommy’s tummies but mine didn’t work right so God found someone else to do that part for me. His response this time was “how did I get in there?”....WOW! Any suggestions for that one?!?!?!?
Life is so much more relaxed now and even though I know we will have tough discussions in the future, he now knows and is comfortable with the topic. Thanks again for everything! God bless you all!

The woman who bore that child is more than an incubator that god arranged to use for you.

Well Ms Patsymae, you may have missed in my post that my son is 6. He has a very hard time with serious conversations as I said and this was the easiest way to introduce the idea. As he gets older of course I will give him as many details as I feel he is ready for. I meant no disrespect to birth mothers. I actually really admire someone who will put their body through 9 months of pregnancy and the labor knowing that they won’t be keeping this child. Without our birth mother I would not have my sweet boy. I don’t take anything away from her tremendous contribution, but it has to be explained on his level and I’m very happy with the outcome so far.

The capacity to love is never ending.  Because you love one person so much, it doesn’t mean you have to love another less.  Don’t worry about your son thinking one day that you are not his “real” mom and that he may love his birth/first mom more.  If the day comes when he wants to meet his birth mom and perhaps develop a personal relationship with her, that’s to his benefit.  It won’t mean that he loves you less.  You raised him and loved him through his life.  You are emotionally bonded to each other, forever, even if you were to become angry with each other at times.  You will always be his “real” mom even if he has a loving relationship with his birth mom.  Remember, a child can never have too many people who love them.

There is an adoption blogger on this site who has compiled an extensive list of books about adoption.  I understand that you want a book that deals with adoption from a Christian perspective but don’t ignore some of the others.  They may not be specifically Christian but they are still great resources for talking to children about adoption and you can add Christian aspects in your conversations with your son about a book.

It sounds like you’re asking all the right questions about how to approach adoption with your son and are handling it very well and with great sensitivity.  I applaud you for your honesty.  Children do much better when adoption is handled positively and not secretively or as though it is something to be ashamed of. 

Here’s the link to the bloggers list of books. 

http://www.whitesugarbrownsugar.com/p/resources.html

Blessed amom, the way you said “God found a nice lady to help us and then we adopted him” does make it sound as if your child’s bmother was just a vessel to carry your baby for you when in all likelihood, she was a woman facing a difficult decision.  You talk about her as a means to an end and your son could grow up thinking that some people are there for the benefit of others.  It also comes across as being all about you.

Why not be honest and say that his mother wasn’t in a position to able to care for him and thus when he needed a mommy and daddy to look after him, you were there.  To me, that is far more in the line of Christian spirit than saying you couldn’t have a baby so God used some other woman’s uterus to provide your wish.

“I meant no disrespect to birth mothers. I actually really admire someone who will put their body through 9 months of pregnancy and the labor knowing that they won’t be keeping this child. Without our birth mother I would not have my sweet boy. I don’t take anything away from her tremendous contribution, but it has to be explained on his level and I’m very happy with the outcome so far”
Sorry, it still sounds like you are talking about her in regards to her usefulness rather than as a person.

Again…..everything will be explained to him in time. But I don’t think he needs to be overwhelmed with every detail at this time. It doesn’t really matter what I say or how I say it, someone will always find fault with it.

Thank you sacohe for the link. I will definately check that out

Just remember that the easiest way isn’t always the best way.

Also, as a Christian, one follows Christ’s teachings so try to think how he would handle the situation.

Scadopt “I told her that I wanted to be a mommy very, very much, but my tummy didn’t work the way it was supposed to, so I could not hold a baby inside my tummy. I told her that God asked another lady to carry her inside her tummy for me, and when a baby is born from someone else’s tummy that is called being adopted”

Again, you have made the story about you. If I were your or blessedamoms child, I would assume that God and my bmom did what was in your best interest rather than my best interest. 

“You will always be his “real” mom even if he has a loving relationship with his birth mom.”

I have two real mothers and two real fathers.

Would someone please tell me-if you do not like her verbage regarding the child’s birthmother, growing in her tummy etc, how would YOU approach the child. The birthmother, her tummy and adopted mother ALL play a part, you can’t tell the child this story without saying they grew in her tummy.

Blessedamom,

You are asking all the right questions and I applaud you for looking for answers. I think the way you have handled it to this point is exactly right for your son. Only you know how he digests new subjects, especially one that touches on his identity. This age is critical to his sense of self, so phrase it how YOU need to so he understands it.

On another note, I wouldn’t get to caught up in the responses criticizing you for not saying it “just so”. Everyone reads posts through their own lens, whether postive or negative, so take it all (including what I’ve said) with a grain of salt.

Have a wonderful week!

“Would someone please tell me-if you do not like her verbage regarding the child’s birthmother, growing in her tummy etc, how would YOU approach the child. The birthmother, her tummy and adopted mother ALL play a part, you can’t tell the child this story without saying they grew in her tummy. “

It’s nothing to do with talking about “growing in the bmom’s tummy”, it is the fact that she is telling the child that the bmom grew him in his tummy for her benefit as if the bmom were a surrogate. 
She is making the story about her, not about him.

“how would YOU approach the child”

I said this earlier:

“Why not be honest and say that his mother wasn’t in a position to able to care for him and thus when he needed a mommy and daddy to look after him, you were there.”

I can’t remember exactly how my parents explained it but it would have been similar to the above lines.

The problem is that you are entwining all 3 stories together.  Your child’s bmom has one story, you have one story - the adoption happened as a combination of those stories and you now have a new story.

I think what katiesue iis saying is that your child’s adoption “story” (how he/she came to be placed for adoption and became a part of your family) would begin with your child’s birth mother’s part of the story, and you would explain to your child at his/her developmental level about that (explaining why he/she was placed for adoption).  Then you would explain about your part of the story next, and in blessed amom’s case share how she had prayed to God for a baby and God blessed her with adopting her little boy.

This is similar to what I remember my mom sharing with me about my adoption “story”... that my birth mother was young and was in college when she had me and couldn’t take care of me, and how my mother had prayed for a baby and God blessed her with me (with some different wording).

“so I took one of your suggestions and talked about how babies grow in their mommy’s tummies but mine didn’t work right so God found someone else to do that part for me. His response this time was “how did I get in there?”....WOW! Any suggestions for that one?!?!?!?”

Yes.  You’ve told him the story of how your baby got in someone else’s uterus.  Of course he wonders how that happened.  Try telling him the story of how he became a member of your family.  It begins with his birth into another family.