well i have been a foster parent for 13 years and have adopted 4 and going on my 5th,I have gotten all of my children from birth,they have all seen the babies come and go,they have heard the words adoption,,foster care and so forth,but I have learned not to say anything until they want to ask you the questions first..and believe me they have all asked questions when the time was right for them

Our daugher is 5, adopted when she was four in custody since she was 3. She remembers a lot from her birth family and thus has a lot of questions. We always try to frame our answers in non-judgemental way and provide basic, simple information. We talk a lot about BM making poor choices, not doing her work to be a parent, not being able to keep her safe etc.. We always end the conversation wth BM loves you and wants you to be happy.  We used the book Famalies Change. It may not completely apply to your situation however it helps give, you the parent, the language to talk to the child.

Our daughter is 5 and we have had her since birth.  She was born drug positive and her mother wanted nothing to do with her when she was born, (never even held her).  She has asked lots of questions over the years as we talk about her Birth Mother and she has known she was adopted from the time she was old enough to understand.  I have not yet told her about the drugs but have told her that her mother loved her and wanted what was best for her.  We have told her that her mother was unable to care for her the way that she deserves to be cared for.  She seems satisfied with this answer as she repeats it now to those that ask her.  When she is older and able to understand more I will share everything with her but not now.

We adopted our 10 year old when he was 4. He has not asked many questions; he does vaguely remember his two siblings who were once in foster care with him, but that is it.

Our daughter, age 5, has been with us since age 10 weeks. At that time, her birthmother was addicted to opiates; both painkillers and heroin. BM (Jen) got clean while pregnant with her third child, and has been clean for over 3 years. We did not anticipate we’d get to know bm, however our relationship has gotten close, and she sees our daughter frequently. It is not a formal open adoption. It evolved while our daughter was with us in foster care through visitation and grew from there. Our daughter knows she “grew in mumma Jen’s” belly, not in mine, and Liv is able to verbalize that. I told Liv that when she was born, mom did not have anywhere to live and she asked us to take care of her. It’s tricky, because Liv knows her birthsister, G, and sees her, knowing G lives with Jen and she (Liv) doesn’t. I’ve explained that Jen got her own place before G was born and G has been able to live with Jen. Mind you, Liv is just 5. We will provide more details when she is older, and as suggested here, when she asks.

I suggest all adoptive parents go with their gut when deciding how much to tell their child(ren). Every child is different. I further suggest that, when your son has visitation with BF, you ask him both before and after the visit, if he has any questions. Go from there.

Good Luck!