I think it is very unfair to take that baby from the placement who has her. Put yourself in their shoes…what if someone did that to you? Being in a secure relationship with a caregiver is FAR more important than a sibling relationship. That baby has already bonded and moving her would be selfish. The babies are related by blood….so what? You aren’t related by blood and know that blood doesn’t matter.  Moreover, the infants have no relationship and thus won’t be losing anything. How about partnering with that family to get to know each other? I really hope you will consider that baby’s needs over your your desire to raise them as siblings.

I’m sorry but I agree with LuvBeingAMomAZ.

You are taking the child from the only parents she knows based on your wants and not the child’s needs. It sounds like you are well-intentioned but neither of the girls even know each other so it’s not like the bonding process will be seamless because they are blood-related.

My comments would be totally different if the foster parents did not want to adopt the child. But since they do and have been raising the girl for practically her whole life, I say take a step back from this one.

It’s the right thing to do.

I think the sibling relationship is one of the most important we have. I think if possible they should always be together. In my state if a child that is place with you for foster care is in your home less than 6 months than they will move that child to be with the siblings or relatives. If the child has been with you 6 months or more then you become like kin because of bonds that form and you can adopt; however they usually do favor kinship adoption when it can work. I myself would do anything to keep biological siblings together. If they cannot grow up together than perhaps and open adoption so they know about each other. In this case I do not think there is a definite best case scenario because either way the child loses someone. If she stays with foster parents she loses the connection to her sibling and if she come to live with you she loses the connection with her foster parents. Such a hard position to be in. I was in a situation where I could have been in the middle of keeping brothers together. As painful as it was I opted to fight to keep them together at my emotional expense. I advocated keeping them together. In the end the judge did separate them, but I did all I could to fight for them to stay together even though they were so young. Also I did adopt my daughter that was separated from her siblings. Her mom had 2 step children and 2 biological children and was going through a very hard time with drugs and a divorcee and wanted to place. I wanted to adopt her and her 2 biological siblings living with her mom, but she only wanted to place the baby. I agreed based on the situation and also later adopted her baby sister that was born less than 2 years later. I get together with her birth family at least once a month so she can grow up knowing them and especially her siblings. You can only do what you think and feel is best. You could consult a therapist that works with foster children and get some advice. In the classes we took we learned that the sibling relationship was the most important and longest relationship we ever have, even longer than with parents as they usually your parents pass before your siblings. Best of luck whatever path you go down.

I completely disagree about the sibling relationship when we are talking about infants. Of course it is different with older children. On the same note how many families are out there with half siblings because of divorce? I have 3 half siblings and in no way was it essential to grow up together. We have a relationship but lots and lots of siblings don’t grow up together.

The only thing I would add, as I agree with leaving her with the home she already knows, is that in this day of technology, these siblings can grow up knowing each other. I would suggest letting them meet a few times a year if possible and then you and the other family sharing via Facebook or another source like it.
Hope this helps you, I know this must be a very difficult time and decision for you. Sounds like you are great parents and want the best for both of them.
Make sure you tell the agency near where the bio Mom lives that you want to be first choice if she gives up or has this new child removed.

I wrote an article about this once http://ittakesanohana.org/2011/02/womb-mates-when-sibling-rights-child-parent-attachment-clash/

I do believe siblings should be together whenever possible however to take a child who has had two placements already (mom and foster mom) from parents that hopefully he is attached to could cause issues for the child. Never mind the adults it is probably in the best interest of the child to leave him where he is. Now if the foster parent does not want to adopt I think a sibling connection is good.

Let’s face it domestically or internationally adopted children do mostly lose a sibling or two or more. It is seldom that two birth parents would go through life with no other children. Another loss in adoption.

It is so hard.

I would guess that unless the current foster family is not interested in adopting, that you would not be considered for adopting the sibling.  Hopefully, instead you can be an adoptive resource for the next child.  I’m surprised that you weren’t contacted with the second child.  Is it because the mom moved out of state?  I think it was wise to get approved for the other state, especially if that is where the next child will be born.  Have you been able to contact the foster family or their caseworker about exchanging pictures and information of the siblings?

Please keep us updated.

JoFo,

The second child is in another state.  They said they would have contacted me later when the birth mother originally had until November to try to get her life together to take care of her little girl.  I found out in early January “just by chance” through the agency we adopted her son, my son now.  They said they would definitely be doing a home study on us because of our son (her big brother).  So, it was all quite surprising to me.  Now I hear rumor that foster mom is pregnant with a little girl.  She has 3 bio boys of her own and this little girl was their first placement.  I can understand feeling helpless and hurting because we almost lost my son.  I feel horrible but even foster mom has said encouraging words to us. 

As far as the 3rd child, who is supposedly going to be born via c-section on May 4th, the birth mother is back in the state where we live and the baby will be born here.  From what I hear if the state hears of issues they will investigate and place with us for fostering again because of our son.  We are more than willing to be an adoptive resource for the 3rd child as well. 

We have been in contact with the foster family via email and yes, they have sent pictures and information on the little girl. And we have also sent pictures of our son.

For JoFo and everyone who reads this, if this little girl had been 2 or three I would have NEVER even thought of this.  This has been a heart wrenching decision to even pursue this.  It is still up to the state and they may not even decide to have her come here and instead have her stay with her family who I know is a good family,

Also, I was separated from my half brother, through a divorced family, never knowing him until I was 12 and never knowing my bio father until then.  When I was adopted when I was two by a new father I bonded with him without issues.  Not knowing my brother was very hard and finding out I had one and had not been given the chance to know him was harder for me.  Luckily I know have a good relationship with bio father and brother but I still wish I would of known them all my life.

i did not post here until know because I was afraid of the ‘negative” posts i received.  Sorry some may not be able to put themselves in my shoes.

Tobilynn,
I read thru the responses yesterday and didn’t reply, but as an adoptive mom, foster mom, mom who has had disrupted placements, and who was separated most of my child who from my sister (adopted) when an unforseen legality disrupted that after 3 years.
I hear you
I respect you
I totally understand your feelings and thought process. As do understand those on this site who are anxiously awaiting a placement who might think what if I get one and something unforseen comes up like this & we loose ¡É our baby¡É the chance to make her our own.
The negative responses by and large here is the issue involves two adoptive moms & 1 baby.
She is lucky, to have not only one option but two. Finding support on here though based on blood relationship is hard being that nearly every member of this site has learned to grow wonderful & happy families without a blood bond.
However, that said I stettled for legal custody of a foster child whom 1/2sister we adopted, as his bio grandparents did not want him adopted out, and said before they allowed that to happen they would adopt him. I truly felt he should be with his 1/2 sister in my house with 6 other kids over being an only child with his bio grandparents. Some thought it was selfish, but out was how my heart felt & a judge agreed.
Don’t be hurt by the opinions here. They are all biased. We can’t help it. No one knows the whole situation like you do. Keep your head up, out will well it’s self out!

Have a great day playing with the little one who has already changed your world! Kiss him twice, once for him & once for her!

Thank you so much mandymichelle.

Yes, I knew I might not get the best responses I was just surprised by how negative they were.

He does know here name when he sees her picture and calls her sister. 

We have all (the two families) decided to stay in touch no matter what happens too, that was actually the foster parents saying that. 

have a great day!

Thank you so much mandymichelle.

Yes, I knew I might not get the best responses I was just surprised by how negative they were.

He does know here name when he sees her picture and calls her sister. 

We have all (the two families) decided to stay in touch no matter what happens too, that was actually the foster parents saying that. 

have a great day!

It sounds like you do have a fairly good case to get the sister then!  Such a tricky situation when the foster family may want to adopt, but it also sounds like things could work out in your favor.  Best of luck!

Tobilynn,
I’m confused as to why you even asked for advice on this forum?  because most of the responses were contrary to your opinion, you label them as negative. If you didn’t want to hear the truth you shouldn’t have asked. It’s clear you are going to forge ahead as you see fit so why ask for opinions? You can choose to do as you see fit but don’t label those of us who disagreed as negative.
Best of luck either way it goes.

Tobilynn,
I’m confused as to why you even asked for advice on this forum?  because most of the responses were contrary to your opinion, you label them as negative. If you didn’t want to hear the truth you shouldn’t have asked. It’s clear you are going to forge ahead as you see fit so why ask for opinions? You can choose to do as you see fit but don’t label those of us who disagreed as negative.
Best of luck either way it goes.

Tobilynn,
  I just read your story while searching for adoption info for Arizona. I just wanted to add that my family went through a similar situation with our youngest son. We were foster parents and he had medical issues that basically required 24/7 care. After a year of getting him his social worker called and told us he had a brother they wanted to place him with. We had already committed to his adoption, got certified, the whole 9 yards. We were devastated to say the least. Thankfully the Adoptive mother of his sibling could not take him. A couple of years later he was diagnosed with Autism but honestly we could not love him more. I hope my story can help and good luck on your adoption journey.