You might want to read our book Parenting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky.
Check local adoption agencies for a support group. Is he in counseling? Make sure the person understands adoption, attachment, and foster care.
You might try http://www.attach.org for a counselor.
Where are you?

I agree with Regina and also read The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. She addresses how the kids from hard places have different brain chemistry and how to help them.

Find a counselor with REAL experience in adoption issues. Some say they know and understand the issues by have no real experience with it.

Praying for you and your family.

I agree with counseling if you can’t find any other professional support.  Try the adoption agency you used to see if they offer support.  Best of luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear of your trouble.  I would strongly suggest that you get your son into therapy and perhaps also take part in family therapy.  Since you adopted a sibling group, there may be services available to you at little or not cost to you.  You might also talk to the agency you used to adopt and ask if they have any training available for adoptive parents on the best way to handle children with attachment disorders and for other referrals for therapy. 
Someone else who replied to another post on this site recommended EMDR therapy.  I have no experience with this so I can’t advise on it’s effectiveness but it does specifically treat PTSD which your son may suffer from.  You can find out more, including finding a certified therapist at this site.
http://emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2
I hope you find the assistance that you need.  No family should have to face these types of difficult issues alone.

I’m glad that you are expressing your sadness, frustration, and disappointment here, in an effort to obtain some much-needed support.  Its important to know that you are neither alone nor powerless to make this placement work, and that others have shared similar feelings and problems following the placement of a teen.  I’m guessing that you will hear from others who have been where you are now, in this forum.  You’ve already heard from Regina, which is terrific, and I do hope that you heed her suggestions.

    I would urge you, though, to try to find a support group in your area, or at least another couple of families who have adopted teenagers so that you can get some in-person support and encouragement.  This is NOT an easy journey and since you are the parent he distances from or lashes out at, you need and deserve the support from others who have experienced what you have. 
Finding other couples who have adopted teens will also help your husband to gain insight into why your new son is directing his hostility towards you, and how he can support you. 

  While friends and extended family can be sympathetic, they also have the potential to help undermine the placement because they cannot and will not understand what you are experiencing, and may blame the new teen, or you and your husband, for making the decision to adopt an older child.  Only another adoptive parent can truly understand how challenging this is, but also know and support the commitment you’ve made.

  Another helpful resource is your faith community, if you are part of one (attend a church or synagogue).  The adult leaders—especially those who work with a youth group for teens—can listen, help to plant good values, nurture healthy behavior, help kids make friends, and give them someone else who cares about them and their family.  The youth in the youth groups are often more willing to tolerate atypical behavior and offer friendship—under the watchful eyes of caring adults who have some skills for working with teens.  They can help you to know whether your new son has social problems that are putting pressure on him, which only makes for a very unhappy youngster who, more likely than not, will take this out on his/her family at home.  That information is important, because if there ARE social problems, finding ways to address that (social skills groups, for example) can ultimately yield better interpersonal relationships at home, and a far less angry, hurting, lonely youngster who is then more able to form attachments at home. 

    The sooner you identify an adoption-skilled therapist and begin to work with him/her, the better! 
Hopefully, a therapist can help you to better understand what drives your new child’s behavior, how best to respond to that, and help you and your husband work together to help your new son feel safe, loved, and loveable—important ingredients for making the adoption work well—but difficult to achieve when a teen is acting out. 

      One of the things I think you need to be aware of is that it is not a good idea to dwell on what the impact of the placement is on your other 3 children, lest you/they blame the new child, which divides the family: him vs. US. That will lead to the failure of the adoption, rather than help to keep commitment alive.
I would encourage you to remember that the damage done to your new son from whatever abuse, neglect, and interrupted attachments he endured is what is driving him to behave as he is with you—- and that although that doesn’t feel very good, it is all that he knows TO do, and its the best he can give right now, until he learns new ways of interacting.

    Also remember that your other children need for you to keep a strong commitment to their new brother.  Your ability to keep going in the face of turbulent behavior and harsh words demonstrates to them that they are ALSO safe and loved, no matter what!  Even though it is sometimes tempting for parents struggling with a new and difficult teen to, at times, think that it might just be better to give up, especially for the sake of their other children, that, in reality,  would only undermine the other children, even though they might feel relief temporarily because the problematic behavior would stop if the new teen was removed. 

  Please take good care of you during this difficult time.  Get enough sleep, good nutrition, some exercise, etc… and don’t forget to carve out some time for yourself.  Doing things outside of the home with friends helps keep things in perspective.  Your new son, and your other 3 children need for you to remain their anchor, and that can only happen if you are maintaining good self-care. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

I understand the heartache you are experiencing right now. I promise that it’s a pain that gets easier with the right perspective. That perspective being; children with attachment issues are like an exploding volcano in adolescence. Even if it has been dormant for years the child you thought you knew can completely change during this time. My advice is to fill up your emergency supplies (books, therapists, support groups) and understand you’re going to have to wait out the storm… which hopefully will eventually pass.

I have 6 children ALL with attachment disorder and 1 with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I am now on my 3rd child in adolescence and I’ve seen the same pattern play out over and over again. What has helped me to not only endure, but thrive in this time is to remember why I chose to adopt. For me, I wanted to help children, not to form a family. So I tell myself that I have to be the parent my children need. This often means missing out on several typical parenting joys and milestones. (I’ve never gotten to take happy photos of my kids going to prom)

I daily have to remind myself that adolescence is hard enough for kids and my children have piled on attachment and abandonment issues to deal with in their growing brain. Ultimately to remind myself that it’s not about me, it’s about them.

That being said if your child becomes violent or hurtful to the other children or to you, there is an obligation as a parent to protect them. This was the case with both of my teenage sons. As a parent it is our responsibility to make the best decisions to help them grow into adulthood. That may mean time spent in a therapeutic facility, boarding/military school or living with a family member who can give them special attention.

I agree with all of the books and advice from the other comments. I would add to sign up for a Twitter account. There I have found MANY other foster/adoptive parents who are experiencing what you are going through. For me since I haven’t found a support group in my area, it’s become my online support group.

Lastly, make sure to take care of yourself, your spouse and your other children during this difficult time. It’s easy to pour all of your time and energy into the squeaky wheel child. Remind them daily you love them regardless if they love you in return. You are the parent who has committed to love and protect them no matter what.

Here is a recent post I wrote about these feelings.
http://adoptivelegacy.com/2012/04/its-not-about-me/

-MeLisa

Thanks to all for advice…my sons therapist was over tonight.we talked and my son and I spoke.he opened up to me and it feels good. Thank god…I’ll take it.one day at. time.

I am thankful to all of you and am glad to have found such a wonderful and open group of people.  I look forward to sharing and listening to each of you. I was in such a low place last night. It was great to see Ll these posts today.

I was thinking of your post while reading this article.  It’s an extremely well written article about a toddler with severe attachment issues and the constructive steps her foster mother took to overcome them.  I think it’s helpful for any adoptive mom but especially for those trying to overcome attachment issues in their kids.  I hope you find this helpful too.

http://main.zerotothree.org/site/DocServer/vol26-5b.pdf?docID=2461

Thanks, sacohe, for having posted the link to that article.  I hope that ALL of the prospective and adoptive parents will read it, and try to assimilate the parenting skills described in the article.  Often, if one’s child arrives at a young age (under two or three) and seems “fine” parents think that attachment-parenting skills are not necessary because their child does not have a “problem.” 

  The reality is that a big part of internalizing one’s birth-to-adoption story for a child who comes at ANY age, is facing loss and grief (LEARNED grief, if the child doesn’t remember being separated, originally).  Loss and grief of one’s original parents undermines attachment, and so attachment is something that adopted kids re-work at EVERY developmental stage, and will be a lifelong task.  That is why acquiring and practicing those parenting skillls is SO important.  Ane by the way, in a 2-parent adoptive family, it is important for BOTH parents to learn and practice.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Thanks to all for your encouragement,advice and concern for my well being as well as the well being for my family.
However, that being said, I am horrified by comments from some person named Patsymae.  In the future, take heed and don’t attack people,ie me, when I am already struggling. I hope your comments came from a place of concern…however,I fear your idea was to lash out at me personally.  I will be reporting your above comment as I don’t believe comments like yours are what this forum is meant to be about. I came here to get advice from others In a similar position. Please don’t comment on my posts again as it’s obvious that you have something else you are dealing and nothing I can benefit from.

To everyone else…thank you. I will be reading the books and articles you mentioned.

Thanks to all for your encouragement,advice and concern for my well being as well as the well being for my family.
However, that being said, I am horrified by comments from some person named Patsymae.  In the future, take heed and don’t attack people,ie me, when I am already struggling. I hope your comments came from a place of concern…however,I fear your idea was to lash out at me personally.  I will be reporting your above comment as I don’t believe comments like yours are what this forum is meant to be about. I came here to get advice from others In a similar position. Please don’t comment on my posts again as it’s obvious that you have something else you are dealing and nothing I can benefit from.

To everyone else…thank you. I will be reading the books and articles you mentioned.

Do you feel that all of the problems lie 100% with your son? If that is the case, he may need to find his own answers to find peace within himself. Inner peace is not something that can be transplanted. 14 year old boys are not very good at this. I know, I was one. If you can accept any responsibility for the situation and see changes that you can make yourself you may find resolution much faster.

My concern is for your 14 year old son. As stated, I was one myself and suffered attachment disorders. I am not attacking you or your family, only offering my own personal experience in the hope it may help. Adolescence was very painful for me and I am usually very happy when I can spare someone else some of that pain.

Scott k thanks for your comment. Of course I am working towards excepting the fact that at this time…I am pouringout the love and must accept that it’s one sided at this time.what helped you heal and was your hurt and dissassociative behavior towards
Your mother,father or both. I have tried the loving. ” don’t let it get to me"approach for the better part of 2Yrz. I am willing to try anything. Thanks Scott.

Scott k thanks for your comment. Of course I am working towards excepting the fact that at this time…I am pouringout the love and must accept that it’s one sided at this time.what helped you heal and was your hurt and dissassociative behavior towards
Your mother,father or both. I have tried the loving. ” don’t let it get to me"approach for the better part of 2Yrz. I am willing to try anything. Thanks Scott.

For me, reunion. I didn’t bond to either of them well but would often bond immediately to other people that I had just met, sometimes even crying when they left. As an adult I remain similarly inclined in that I sometimes trust some people far too much far too soon.

These are only my opinions, I know little of your situation and I could be very wrong. I was adopted a week after I was born, your son 12 years. Some very big differences.

Puberty is more likely the main cause of changes. Personality changes can be drastic. Trying too hard may be pushing him away. Teenage boys often don’t want the same kind of mom anymore. Avoid blaming his bio mom for problems, that will only increase the separation between the two of you.

You have mentioned your good relations with the rest of your family but not his. How does he get along with others in the family? Does he have solid friendships in school?

I understand your reaction to Patsymae. People aren’t one-dimensional, I’d suggest that she is both genuinely concerned and lashing out at the same time. Adoptees can be triggered by some things and respond poorly. Happens to me too sometimes. I think she does make a couple good points (a little sharply, no doubt); take those and leave the rest.

Hi Androsfamily!  I hope things are working out a bit better.

Latin mother. Thanks for your post…you made some really good points. I like the part abouthave fun..lot just I am your parent mannerisms. Our son plays sports…bball, runs track, soccer last season and will be playing football in the fall.things are definitely getting better and I am so appreciate to people like you
And ScottK for your advice And understanding.its nice to get different prespectives on different issues. This is a good week. I take it day by day and am happy…the kids are doing well.

Latin mother. Thanks for your post…you made some really good points. I like the part abouthave fun..lot just I am your parent mannerisms. Our son plays sports…bball, runs track, soccer last season and will be playing football in the fall.things are definitely getting better and I am so appreciate to people like you
And ScottK for your advice And understanding.its nice to get different prespectives on different issues. This is a good week. I take it day by day and am happy…the kids are doing well.