I believe that most of the children you would find in this category, not newborn, would be in foster care.  I would go foster ADOPT….......meaning you’d only take those that would be adoptable when the time came.  But that’s just my opinion.

I agree the foster to adopt route is for you.  The thing that you will need to be aware of, is most little people that are in need of families in that age range are legal risk. In our state that means you are still doing visitation with the birthparents, and a birth family member can step in to try and get custody through kindship.  Good luck on your search to your decision.

I think you are allowed to change your mind, too. There aren’t really orphanages for little babies anymore. Child and Family Services aims to have foster parents take care of a baby while the 1st parents try to do what they need to for “reunification”.
You could have bio children and help kids in other ways.
Also ad you are finding, the kids who are really in need are older. You might see what that entails (it is not for everyone as it can be more challenging since the children may have been through a lot in their short lives).
Good luck

My husband and I are fertile too and yet I chose adoption.  We want toddlers and decided against foster adopt because the system is geared towards reunification and I didn’t want the heart break so we ended up choosing international adoption, which originally we hadn’t even considered.  We’re now #1 on the referral list expecting our referral in May and the decision feels so right to us.  There are options available for the age you desire but you’ll have to search your heart and decide which route feels best for you.  Good luck.

I would agree in the us foster to adopt would be your only real option. I will be happy to answer some questions about that system if you would like. Just pm me

Hi Renee,

  THE most fundamental thing that parents—adoptive or not—must do, is shift gears from seeing life from their own point of view, to the point of view of any child who joins your family.  NO child wants to feel like their parents’ project—someone who was adopted to save/rescue him or her from an inferior life.  That motivation is a set-up for disaster in adoptive parenting.  Not when the child is young, but when the child is a pre-teen or older and can read between the lines of what is/is not said, the way you answer questions, and the attitude you and your husband have that is unspoken.  There are thousands of couples for every baby/child/toddler who becomes available for adoption, so rather than doing them a service, you are actually taking the opportunity from others who cannot have children biologically and would like to parent a child as young as possible. —I know that I am being very direct, but that is the reality.  The children who truly need families are the older kids, those who are part of a large-ish sibling group (3 or more children), and those with special needs conditions (significant and often multiple medical/psychological problems). 
,
      I work with adopted youngsters—thousands of them each year across the USA, Canada, and Australia (I travel and present to groups, and facilitate workshops for adopted youngsters).  They “catch it” when their parents have adopted in order to “do a good deed” and are extremely resentful.  It burdens them with the huge responsibility to be “good enough to be worth it,” as they put it, and they tend to become people-pleasers who harbor a great deal of anger, fear of NOT being “good enough,” fear that they will become too much to handle (when they struggle with the complicated challenges of figuring out a complex identity—which is when many act out even THO they were adopted at a very young age). 

    Adopted kids may actually do better when they are adopted by parents who struggled with infertility, or were single, or married at an older age—so that their parents’ decision to adopt fulfilled their own needs, as well as that of the child.  That frees the children from feeling that they owe a debt of gratitude for what all other youngsters can take for granted—having a family.  That also means that they are raised by parents who suffered a major loss (the child who would have been born to them), and understand grief firsthand—important since loss (of original parents) and grief (lifelong—why didn’t my first parents love me ENOUGH to have fixed their problems well enough to have kept and raised me?) are core issues for adopted kids.  The children end up feeling far less burdened with the responsibility of being their parents’ happiness and keeping their true thoughts and feelings hidden so as to not hurt or disappoint their adoptive parents. 

    And since the issue of international adoption arose, those youngsters, too, struggle mightily when their adoptive parents tell themselves and others that they adopted to do a good deed, rather than simply because they wanted to become parents and decided that adoption was an equally-first-best way TO build or expand a family.  NO child wants to have to feel that he or she is less worthy than their peers, or should feel especially “lucky,” or that he/she would have had an inferior life.  Many adult adoptees, by the way, do NOT feel that they would have necessarily had an inferior life, and instead feel that an international adoption robbed them of growing up with a same-race family and their birth culture—that adoption both yielded gains AND losses, in equal measure. 

      If you really wish to provide a service to others, why don’t you consider becoming foster care providers or adopting children who otherwise would NOT get a permanent family—the older kids, those in a large sibling group, those with special needs conditions?  Or, become Big Brother and Big Sister to an underprivileged child.  Those are all fantastic ways to give back some of the blessings you have received, and make a meaningful difference in the life of a child. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Hi Renee,

  THE most fundamental thing that parents—adoptive or not—must do, is shift gears from seeing life from their own point of view, to the point of view of any child who joins your family.  NO child wants to feel like their parents’ project—someone who was adopted to save/rescue him or her from an inferior life.  That motivation is a set-up for disaster in adoptive parenting.  Not when the child is young, but when the child is a pre-teen or older and can read between the lines of what is/is not said, the way you answer questions, and the attitude you and your husband have that is unspoken.  There are thousands of couples for every baby/child/toddler who becomes available for adoption, so rather than doing them a service, you are actually taking the opportunity from others who cannot have children biologically and would like to parent a child as young as possible. —I know that I am being very direct, but that is the reality.  The children who truly need families are the older kids, those who are part of a large-ish sibling group (3 or more children), and those with special needs conditions (significant and often multiple medical/psychological problems). 
,
      I work with adopted youngsters—thousands of them each year across the USA, Canada, and Australia (I travel and present to groups, and facilitate workshops for adopted youngsters).  They “catch it” when their parents have adopted in order to “do a good deed” and are extremely resentful.  It burdens them with the huge responsibility to be “good enough to be worth it,” as they put it, and they tend to become people-pleasers who harbor a great deal of anger, fear of NOT being “good enough,” fear that they will become too much to handle (when they struggle with the complicated challenges of figuring out a complex identity—which is when many act out even THO they were adopted at a very young age). 

    Adopted kids may actually do better when they are adopted by parents who struggled with infertility, or were single, or married at an older age—so that their parents’ decision to adopt fulfilled their own needs, as well as that of the child.  That frees the children from feeling that they owe a debt of gratitude for what all other youngsters can take for granted—having a family.  That also means that they are raised by parents who suffered a major loss (the child who would have been born to them), and understand grief firsthand—important since loss (of original parents) and grief (lifelong—why didn’t my first parents love me ENOUGH to have fixed their problems well enough to have kept and raised me?) are core issues for adopted kids.  The children end up feeling far less burdened with the responsibility of being their parents’ happiness and keeping their true thoughts and feelings hidden so as to not hurt or disappoint their adoptive parents. 

    And since the issue of international adoption arose, those youngsters, too, struggle mightily when their adoptive parents tell themselves and others that they adopted to do a good deed, rather than simply because they wanted to become parents and decided that adoption was an equally-first-best way TO build or expand a family.  NO child wants to have to feel that he or she is less worthy than their peers, or should feel especially “lucky,” or that he/she would have had an inferior life.  Many adult adoptees, by the way, do NOT feel that they would have necessarily had an inferior life, and instead feel that an international adoption robbed them of growing up with a same-race family and their birth culture—that adoption both yielded gains AND losses, in equal measure. 

      If you really wish to provide a service to others, why don’t you consider becoming foster care providers or adopting children who otherwise would NOT get a permanent family—the older kids, those in a large sibling group, those with special needs conditions?  Or, become Big Brother and Big Sister to an underprivileged child.  Those are all fantastic ways to give back some of the blessings you have received, and make a meaningful difference in the life of a child. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

After doing all my research I knew that a child under 1 would be by finding a birth mother or Foster Adopt. My husband and I decided we didn’t want to start that young again. Which also meant that I was not getting pregnant again myself, that was thrown out the window. by internationally adopting, we get to pick the approximate age and gender of the child. After having 4 children already we knew we wanted a girl and for her two be over 2 years. We talked and knew that we have the time, energy, and the resources to adopt a child with special needs and could help change a child’s lives and our lives. There is nothing worn with having your own children if you want such a young child. you can adopt later in your life after you have experienced having babies in your house.

I always knew that I would adopt one day. I was best of friends with someone who was adopted from foster care and her parents had done it multiple times and had lots more foster kids as well. I looked at fostering but knew that at this point in our lives, it would be too much since they push so hard for reunification. I want a child that will be mine and no one can take her away or claim her as their own.

Please take some time and do the research and then listen to your heart.

When my husband and I started in adoption we also wanted to adopt an older baby or toddler, and found that this is difficult to do domestically.  Our social worker said it would be almost impossible through foster system, but i have seen posts in the foster adoption discussion group that it can be done, and there are agencies that can facilitate this option.

I think wanting to be a parent, whether through biology or adoption, is both a selfish and a selfless act.  Babies do not ask to be born, and they do not ask to be adopted, either way they have no choice, so part of your job as a parent is to help minimize the baggage they have to deal with.  How you got to the adoption decision is not nearly as important as how you approach parenting. 

The job of all parents is to love and support their children, and help them navigate what life throws at them.  With adoption, that includes acknowledging that your child does have another family, and whether or not you have contact with the biological family, they are still part of your life and your child’s life.  Your child will have to grieve this loss, and you have to help him.  It also means dealing with people (family, friends, and complete strangers) making assumptions about your family, asking inappropriate questions, and making hurtful comments to and about your child (please read ImprovMom’s post “She’s so lucky”). 

Maybe I did start out thinking I was doing a good thing by adopting rather than trying to have biological children, but adoption is a truly humbling experience, and you will realize you, not your child, are the lucky one for being entrusted with this wonderful little person to love and raise in your family.  I didn’t save my kids (although they may have saved me!) and I am forever indebted to their birthmothers for giving me the opportunity to be a mom.

You will figure out the right path for you and your family.  My children were adopted domestically as newborns, and while that wasn’t our original plan, it turned out to be right for us.

“I looked at fostering but knew that at this point in our lives, it would be too much since they push so hard for reunification. I want a child that will be mine and no one can take her away or claim her as their own.”

If you did not conceive this child, did not give birth to this child and do not have any genetic connection to this child, then there is someone else who can also “claim her as their own.” Please, adoptive parents here, read the posts from adoptees. “I want a child that will be mine” is narcissistic and selfish and cruel.

I agree with Patsy.

Adoptees will always have two sets of parents, whether you like it or not.  It is up to the adoptee to decide who to claim as THEIR own - not you.