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Feeling Unworthy...


My Husband and I have been considering adoption for a while now as a “someday, maybe” kind of thing, but just recently it has become a real, “can we actually do this” conversation. We have 3 biological little girls, ages 7,4 and 1. We are interested in a domestic adoption of a little boy under 2. We have given ourselves a timeline of a year to “soul search” and really dig deep to figure out if this is right for us. My biggest stumbling block thus far is that I do not feel like I am a good enough Mom to my 3 that I already have. I am far from perfect. I struggle in whether I should pour the compassion I feel towards adoption into my current children and just focus on being more for them. I worry about the financial end of things, we are far from rich. Some months we barely make it. Am I patient enough? Then there is the issue with the fact that my husband and I have different motivations in wanting to adopt. He wants a boy, he wants a son, we both want to help a child in need, but I feel like he has higher expectations for what that means for himself. My motivation, and why I keep coming back to it, despite my doubts, is that I feel like while I am content with our family, I feel like there are so many children in need, we may not have it all together, or have a lot of money, but I can offer a home, a sense of belonging, and unconditional love. And in my own experience with parenting, you don’t need much more than that. I guess I feel intimidated because most of the blogs and stories I’ve found are about adopting several children from all around the world and people who have dedicated their lives to this process. Does it all have to be that intense? I don’t want our lives to change as far as everything revolving around our adopted child or our decision to adopt. I am not trying to pass any judgement about anyone else’s journey when I say that, I just want to add a little member to our family and love on it with all we have. At the end of the day I am happy with what we have which is what is motivating me to expand and enrich it with adoption.  I am not naïve about the challenges involved. I just haven’t seen another story that starts off with how I am feeling, so it makes me feel like maybe I am not the right type of person. I hope that this came out right, and wasn’t offensive to anyone. I am just trying to be VERY REAL and true to myself throughout this process because lives are at stake, and it’s not about saying the right things, it’s about being honest with my feelings. Any and ALL feedback is greatly appreciated.

Replies

I am an adult birth child with three siblings by adoption.  It is good that you are being honest and thoughtful about your ambivalence. Parenthood is hard, whether or not it includes adoption.  Adoption comes with potential additional struggles, but you neither know what they awill be nor can control for them. One also has to think of the impact this adoption may have on the young boy—being the adopted child with all birth kids . Little research has been done on the long term impact of adoption on birth children or on sibling relationships. But the choice you make will be with your children for their
Lifetimes—way beyond you.  If you are not ready then perhaps you should go with your gut.  You and your husband should perhaps speak with an adoption competent therapist to talk about the implications of this decision.  4 kids so little would be a blessing, for sure, but you have to go in with your eyes wide open and having had the tough conversations.  There area a couple
Of books on blended families—arleta james. Brothers and sisters in adoption.  Best cm

Posted by Real Sister on Feb 22, 2018 at 10:02pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! Great advice.

Posted by DetroitMama on Feb 23, 2018 at 12:57am

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