I can only speak from my experience and I allowed them on Facebook so they could see pictures and what is going on and also we know what is going on with them. We always invite them to special occasions like birthdays. My son just had his 1st birthday on last Saturday and his birth mom and dad came and they were so happy to see him and how much all our family and friends love him. So, based on my experience I would say yes, go for it.
However people I know who are not comfortable with such a close relationship establish a separate Facebook, blog, or photo site to post pictures and updates and will celebrate separately at a public location. It is more what you are comfortable with.
Why are you worried you will get to close? Is there a danger or other reason?

I’m friends with various members of my son’s and daughter’s family on Facebook. I figure, if it’s good enough for people who were freshmen when I was a senior in high school… Facebook isn’t really private at all, so unless you’re prone to complaining or posting “blue” status messages, what’s the harm?

Why don’t you give her the choice of coming to the birthday or coming the day after?

I agree with above.  I’m fb friends with our son’s birthmom.  When she sent the request I sent a message and said ““no judging”.  I didn’t want to feel like I had to monitor every post.  She sent a message saying the same thing and was worried I would judge her.  I’m glad I accepted her request.

I’m not sure what to say about FB… I think it depends on your comfort level and how you use FB (if you go on it each day, or just occasionally, etc.).  My daughters’ birthmom wanted to be FB friends with me, but I wasn’t comfortable because of our daughter’s birthfather possibly finding out information about us because of me being on her FB (he is not a part of our adoption right now and has some serious issues).

About your child’s 1st birthday party… I think rredhead had a good idea about asking your child’s birthmother if she would like to come to the 1st birthday party that you are having, or for you to have a special one just for her and her friends.  We invited our daughters’ birthmom to both of our/her daughters’ 1st birthday parties.  She was able to come to one of them, and even though it was really busy and hectic, it worked out fine.  I think it was neat that she and her older children were there, and that they got to share in a part of her party (they helped us get ready too and bought something special for the party from them).  She said that she could see that her daughter was loved, and they got to meet family/close friends of ours.  So I think it would be really special for your child’s birthmother to be a part of the party if you want to offer to include her. 

I didn’t accept our BM’s friend request.  My FB is more private and she doesn’t need to know what’s going on day to day (not that I’m a huge poster, but still).  I did create a separate shutterfly account for her, where I go and post pictures and list various milestones.  She loved it and was so happy I did that.

She trusted you to raise her child, she’s been to your house, you have and “open adoption” how is it too close? I am sure you have friends on there that haven’t trusted you and given you what she has, so I think its more than reasonable to accept her request. It’s fb not your diary.
As for the birthday party, she’s already told you what she wants, no need to ask which she would prefer. As all the other people coming to the birthday love your son, none of them love him more than her, why should she get the next day? I know open adoption is still new for you, and it can be weird to navigate sometimes but try and remember she picked you to be his parents. More than likely she respects that, she just doesn’t want to miss everything because she made that decision. You probably have family and friends that don’t “get it” but stick to your beliefs and promises and they will come around when they see your relationship can work. You will be giving your son the greatest birthday present ever, having ALL the people that love him most in the world celebrating HIM! Good luck and happy birthday to your lil guy, 1 is so bittersweet.

I don’t really have an answer to the FB question, that hasn’t come up with our birthparents.  In regards to the birthday party, we always have our birthparents come to the big family party.  We are blessed to have a very close relationship, so they usually end up coming to almost all special occasions, birthdays, holidays, etc.  In fact, they also usually come to our bio sons special days too,so that he doesn’t feel that they are favoring our twins over him.  That being said, you need to do what feels comfortable for you.  If you are concerned about you feeling comfortable, then you need to decide what is best for you.  If you are concerned about the birth mom feeling comfortable, then I think she can monitor that.  Our birth parents usually come, but then don’t stay for the whole party, they set their own limits for how much they feel comfortable with.  But they have told me how much it means to them to be included in all the special days and how much they love to see the girls surrounded by their whole family.  They also have mentioned how that has helped them feel even better about their placement, knowing the girls are surrounded by so much love.

The thing I would try to think about is not what will be better for you or better for the birth parents, but what will be better for your son.  One of the reasons that I always try to have our birth parents involved in special days is so that our twins can see how much they truly love them and care about them and so that they will be surrounded by every one who loves them, as someone in an earlier post mentioned.  My girls are 3 and so far (fingers crossed) have a great relationship with their birth parents and would be upset not to see them on special days in their lives.

So, that is what I would think on the most, personally, do you think it is better for your son to have her there at the main party, or to have her there the next day.  And, not only for this year, but for years going forward.

Good luck and happy birthday to your little one!

Our daughter’s birth mom, K, friended us on FB prior to DD even being born.  I was not comfortable at that time being friends.  Instead we set up a separate account under DD’s planned name.  We keep it updated and both birthmom and birthdad, as well as members of their family, are friends with it.  It has worked well thus far.

At this point, I’m almost ready to combine the pages.  I asked K if she would be OK with reading my posts referring to my husband and myself at daddy and mama or if it would hurt too much.  She is thinking about that and planning to get back to me. 

The other reason I haven’t responded to her yet is we have a lot of extended family on FB that is not adoption-literate.  They use a lot of outdated and hurtful terms associated with adoption.  I don’t want K to have to deal with that. She and I have discussed this issue also and she is thinking about what she would prefer and how she’d handle it if I do combine pages and an issue came up.

All that to say, talk to your child’s birth mom about your concerns and see if she has any in regard to the FB page.

About the birthday party…my DD turns 1 next week (eek!) and birth mom is coming to the big party.  We offered to have a small party with just her and her other children and birth dad if he wants to come.  She chose to come to the big party.  I have warned her that there are several people who are coming who will want to play with DD too so she may not have as much one one one time with her.  She seems OK with this but she also knows we are getting together this weekend (for Birthmother’s Day) and knows she will have time with her this weekend.

Happy birthday to your son!

I talked about Facebook and our daughter’s birthmom here: http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/3589/#reply-16278

My opinion is that Facebook and birthparents don’t mix and we have a very open adoption with our daughter’s birthparents. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love them any less because we don’t have them as friends on FB. We can communicate via text, phone or in person and that works perfectly for us. Shutterfly works perfect for pictures. Do you want to read every status update your son’s bm posts? Some of the things she may post about may make you feel guilty or sad for her…are you and your husband ready to add that whole other element to your relationship?

1st birthday…my husband and I were super torn on what to do as far as birthdays go. Our daughter turned 1 in December and we went back and forth for weeks about this. Having both sets of birthparents in our daughter’s life means that things can get very tricky for us at at times, especially with birthdays and holidays. Our daughter’s birthparents are no longer together and their families do NOT get along at all, so we decided against having either set at the party. Since our daughter’s birthday is smack dab in the middle of December we made a weekend of celebrating her birthday and Christmas with both sets. One on Saturday and the other on Sunday. We were the odd guys out at a graduation celebration for out daughter’s birth aunt last summer. It was weird, awkward and some people didn’t really know how to approach us. We decided that we didn’t want our daughter’s birthparents to feel this way at the 1st birthday party and I think that they both understood. As comfortable as you are with adoption and your son’s birthmom doesn’t mean everyone else will treat her with the care and compassion and you and your husband do. She may be asked awkward questions from relatives or maybe she’ll feel left out, like my husband and I did at our daughter’s birth aunt’s graduation party. I guess the question I would ask yourselves is, “Are you and your husband ready to have her at every birthday party from here on out?” If so, great, and if not, you might want to reconsider the invite to the party.

We are now the parents of these little people, there’s a reason why their birthparents chose adoption for them and, as blunt as it may sound, they’re not going to be able to experience every occasion with our children. If they wanted that, they could have chosen to parent and I think most birthparents understand that. So that’s what I’m thinking on everything…Good luck and happy birthday to your little guy!

we created a “false facebook account” so our daughter’s birthmom could be friended and see pictures and videos of our little bean….
you can email pictures to facebook directly so we actually never go to the site

Friends of mine had an issue with facebook- their friends and family started trying to friend the birth parents and message them and it made them all uncomfortable…plus, they all felt like their posts were being judged not necessarily by each other but by other friends who were being nosey…They now have an account that is set up strictly for them to communicate together and it works great! I hope to do that once we are back in communication with our birth family- I have hope that one day it won’t be so hard for her…but it will be something that is just for us- what we as adoptive and birth parents share is not for everyone’s eyes…it also will give us more control over what we wish to share…that friend I mentioned had people calling her to let her know that her son’s birth mother was going out to a bar and wanted to know if she had a drinking problem…private accounts avoid the judgement and let’s face it in any adoption there is enough judgement already of everyone involved…and it would avoid our birth mother from seeing comments on photos from friends such as, “lucky girl to have such a good mommy..” I think that could painful to our birth mother and why do that to her? AND I completely understand why you are hesitant about this… best wishes in whatever you decide is best for your family…

I am now friends with our first sons BF on Facebook, but I will say it took 4 years for us to build that relationship to get to that point.  I am not friends on FB with our second sons BM.  I am not sating that someday we will not get to that point, but she is very young. Since this is his first birthday and it will be overwhelming for you I LOVE the thought of having her and her closest friends over the next day for a seperate more intimate party.  I think it would be more special for her that way.  We used to do something special with our 1st son and his BM on his birthday ever year.  As he got a little older we would do things such as a day at an amusement park etc.  Them getting the 1 on 1 time was great and very special for both of them.  18 months ago his BM passed away and I am SO THANKFUL we did that.  Good Luck.  And Happy Birthday to you little guy.

Going with what mel123 said, I think this is really going to depend on your family and how you use fb.  For us only a very select amount of people on fb know our son’s birthmom by name.  So if she comments or likes something no one questions.  She could be an old friend from highschool, college, someone I work with etc.  I’m on fb all the time but I try to be observant of my audience.  Any picture I post isa picture I would give or mail anyway.  I still reserve any special communication with her for email or mail.  She is also a very private person and doesn’t get too personal on fb.  In regards to worry over hurting her feelings she requested me, and if your child’s birthmom is going to be around you she is going to have to get use to people referring to you as mom.  Of course if she will be attending birthday parties etc.  More of your family will know her.  Will your family be able to act appropriately?  Good luck in your decision.

My daughter’s birthfather has driven out (500 miles) each year for her birthday (5 x now).  We usually have a family dinner, cake, presents etc…  He has no interest in attending the kids party with 18 classmates etc… LOL!

You have lots of various responses which is good for you to see, and as others have said, each family has to figure out their unique situation.

I would encourage you to be willing to err on the side of being “too open” and pushing yourself maybe a bit beyond your initial comfort zone to include them as part of your family (because in many respects they are going to become a “part of your family.”) I wouldn’t be surprised to hear from other adoptive families that the birthfamily sometimes has even more communication/connection than biological siblings/parents of the adoptive family. My aim is to work to make this adoption story/journey be as normal and comfortable as possible. So the more often we connect and the more we make them part of our typical family gatherings, the easier it will be in the long run for us and our son, I believe.

Yes, we read things on FB that they post that I wouldn’t dream of doing or saying…and sometimes it bugs us big time…but that’s their choice. Some of my friends post things that bug me as well; I don’t choose to de-friend them just because we don’t always agree. In addition, concerning other family members and friends, I can see that having our birthfamily as facebook friends helps our family and friends see them as part of our life—-from now on—-and that was the decision we made when we chose to have an open adoption. [BTW, our boys-both adopted—are 3 and 2 now. One is open; the other is closed per the bm wishes. I can tell even now that the open adoption is going to be so much easier than the closed one. I pray often that she will change her mind and contact us…for our son’s sake!]

I truely do not think you will be sorry if you become FB friends and also invite her to the 1st birthday party with everyone else. [Caution: you may hurt her feelings if you choose not too…and that can be harder to fix.]

I know that everyone has differing viewpoints on FB. As well, everyone has differing views on what they expected or want out of their ‘open’ adoption.  So here’s what’s worked for us, and you can take the info and help decide your path.

Our son’s birthfamilies are 3000+ miles away. So, frequent visits are not an option. We have been out there twice and his bmom has been to our house once and is planning to come out again next year.  He will be 2 next week and I’ve invited them to both of his bday parties. Now, I expect that they can’t make it, but I wanted them to know we would want them to be there if they could be.  But that is our comfort level. Most of our families have met his bmom when she visited. She was excited to meet everyone (so she may very well enjoy the bigger party to meet your family).

As for FB, I’m very lucky to have the majority of his birth families on FB.  I don’t filter what I post, and honestly, neither do they. Considering that I have people on my friends list that I either don’t know directly or know hardly at all, having actual family is fine.  The good part is that it allows us to share much more contact, pictures, etc. with extended family that we would’ve “traditionally” done in an open adoption. Financially it’s not feasible to send tons of pics to extended family (birth grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.).  But having everyone view the pics on Facebook, they can save them and print if they want, and we still do send hard copy pics periodically. But they get to be part of so much more.

We also Skype with his bmom and bgparents, and have phone calls, etc.  Yes, I’m aware that we have WAY more contact than a lot of other families have (and/or want) with their birth families.  For us, we are ecstatic that it has turned out this way.

So, basically, you have to look at what you have and what you want/wanted out of open adoption.  Remember that these people are your child’s family, as well as yours.  It’s tough, because we’re just throwing together, but if you work at it, keep the lines of communication open and morph/evolve through the obstacles, it can turn out great for you and especially your kids.

Good luck!!

http://www.rebeccahawkes.com/

Read this blog.  This is open adoption.

She trusted you with her child… and now she can’t come to his birthday party or be a friend on facebook.  I am sure you have friends who do not even let you babysit.

Read that blog.

then think long and hard about what you told her before you adopted…. her/your child.  What you promised her.

then go read that blog again.  Ask her questions.  Learn.

Oh ... and please quit calling birth mothers BM/  That is a short for bowel movement.  The correct term is birth mother or BMOM.