My daughter is mutli-racial (Filipino, American Indian, and Latina). When she was younger, say 5 and under, people used to ask all the time “where is she from.” For the most part, that was the extent of the type of questions strangers would ask. As she has gotten older, no one asks any more for some reason.

My 9 month old son is bi-racial, but looks African American enough that no one asks his race/ethnicity. The one thing we often see is people giving us an extra stare. We definitely get stronger looks from African American women, some of whom I assume don’t approve of us adopting him. Mostly, people are very loving and say how cute he is.

We have 5 kids 3 are biracial. So people just stick their feet in their mouth sometimes but so people my be curious because they are thinking about adopting too,  have a similar experience or someone close to them does they just don’t know how to start a conversation. Sometimes I give them a serious response sometime I am flip I think it depends on the moment. But now that my kids are starting to understand things I have to be careful how I respond even my nonverbal responses. It can have a lot to do with how they see themselves. If someone said something about my age I might say wow I guess I need to get a facial and smile. If someone said something about the kids looks being different than mine I might say she does have beautiful hair or eyes doesn’t she.

A really good book out there is called,“Does anyone else look like me?” By Donna Jackson Nakazawa. Of is a hood read.

Ugh. Auto correct…should say…it is a good read! ;0)

We to have 5 kids and 3 are biracial. All 3 have different backgrounds and look very different from my husband and I who are Caucasian. I get asked all the time,, if they are all my kids. Our kids are 10, 7, 5, 3 ,2, and I am an older mom. I always respond, Yep, they are all mine. Then I usually get, they must be adopted? Now, I know that most are just curious, but on a bad day, I don’t care for that question and have given out some smart remarks; such as, No, not adopted, I just get around. Which shuts them up very quickly. My kids know they are adopted and we celebrate it, but I can’t stand when people ask, are they yours and where did they come from. It isn’t any of their business. And if they aren’t mine, why are they calling my mom?  We also get a lot of stares, and I too think its because the Mexican people in our area don’t approve of our Guatemalan child.  All I can say, it I couldn’t be a more prouder momma, and I am so glad my children are all different!

You might consider finding a training called W.I.S.E. Up.  Each of the letters in the WISE acronym stands for a response leveled from Walk Away to Educate.  It may give you some additional tools for how to answer sensitive adoption questions related to race and other wise. (no pun intended).

Melissa
http://www.thecorkums.com

My 5 yrs daughter is half Mexican and half Caucasian with dark hair/eyes and light skin.  She doesn’t look anythign like me.  I’m super fair, light brown hair and light eyes.  I only get stares from other hispanics and I read it as confusion.  They recongnize the Mexican in her despite her light skin but then they look at me and are confused.  I’m a single mom so there is no Dad walking with us.  I just smile and move on,

I also prefer not to answer personal questions from strangers- it seems disrespectful of my daughter and her feelings for someone to ask me, “What is she?” As she gets older if she chooses to answer that she is Asian and African American and adopted that is her choice. For now, I just smile and answer, “she’s my beautiful daughter.”
Although, one time a lady was chatting with me and asked how long my husband and I had been married- I told her, she asked how old our daughter is, I told her, and then she asked which one of us had the affair. I just laughed and said neither and left it at that- I am hoping she was then able to figure out that baby girl was adopted?
I understand curiosity but I also think that some adults need to start realizing that it is just as inappropriate to ask these questions of or about children as it would be to ask of an adult…

Yes, be prepared for questions and comments. You are wise to begin thinking about how to respond, because often those questions come when you’re least expecting it; for example, the grocery store line.

If you’ve prepared in advance, those moments will feel less shocking. You can think, “Oh, here is one of those times I prepared for.” Then take a breath and respond.

My kindergarten son is the same ethnicity as your daughter, and both his father and I are Caucasian. We get lots of questions, both from strangers and from acquaintances. Most people don’t intend to be rude; they simply talk before thinking.

The most common question seems to be, “Where did you get him?” My response depends on whether my son is in hearing distance, whether I’m in a good mood, or whether the person is a stranger. If my son is paying attention, I smile at him and say, “He’s my son. I’m so proud of him.” That usually stops the questioning. Then I check in with my son later about it.

If a neighbor or acquaintance asks about adoption details, it’s trickier, because there’s a friendly relationship to maintain. I might say, “Adoption is such a great way to make a family. When my son is older, he might discuss the details; for now we want to respect his privacy. I’m sure you can understand. Thanks for being such a good neighbor.” Said with a smile and a positive attitude, this keeps things friendly but closes the door to discussion about private matters.

However, I’m usually happy to discuss adoption in general. There are so many misconceptions about the process, and as an adoptive mom, I feel an obligation to educate. But the situation has to be appropriate for a real conversation—not the grocery line.

I believe the most important thing is to talk with your child about these questions. By age 3, my son had questions about adoption and skin color and hair texture. Encourage discussions about those topics. Be sure to give positive messages, on a regular basis.

That said, rude comments or questions can be very annoying. I’m tempted to give the following smart-alec answers to the question, “Where did you get him?”

—Target.

—Wow. You don’t know where babies come from?

—I have no idea. He just showed up one day.

—Where did you get your kids? Did they come out of your vagina?

—When I stole a car, he was in the back seat.

—God.  [That one is the truth.]

All joking aside, best wishes for you and your family!

I have 2 sons who are Amer-asian and 3 Ethiopian children.  I am Korean and my husband is Caucasian. 

As an adoption advocate I want to encourage other adoptive parents of the opportunity we have to educate others.  We all have been on the receiving end of the ignorant questions, and we have our bad days for sure, but I hope we will all see these conversations as a time when we can educate people on racial diversity and adoption sensitivity. 

I completely understand the frustration and need to sometimes just ignore the person, but by doing that we also can perpetuate the stereo types and mis-informed mind sets that exist. 

People won’t stop asking the question anytime soon unless we give them a logical answer where they walk away feeling empowered to be more sensitive to racial identity.  An educated answer also helps our children in the long run by protecting them from the ignorance being perpetuated.  The stranger you educate may pass the information you gave onto someone else in a conversation which starts a ripple effect into our communities.

I’m sorry parents have to deal with this but it’s the reality of our society… we just have to choose how we should best handle it honoring our children and their diversity.

Thank you all for your understanding, intelligent, and humorous responses!  I really appreciate your input in helping me to see fresh points of view on something that is at times annoying to deal with.  I especially like the idea of educated responses on my part that in turn will ultimately positively impact my children’s lives.  I’m going to try to print this thread out so I can refer to it time and again.

I read the comment from the person who encouraged others to use those incidents when others ask questions in public to educate about adoption and be an advocate for children.  While I support the intent, I would urge you/us to be more concerned about the IMPACT—the impact on one’s children.  One of the most fervent pleas I received from adopted children AND their non-adopted siblings is to dissuade their parents from doing this.  Why?  It makes them ALL feel as though they are Objects of Show and Tell—and brings unwanted attention, and assumptions about them, as they stand there watching and listening.  It causes a Great Divide between the adopted and non-adopted kids.  The non-adopted kids resent the special, celebrity-like attention for the kids who were adopted while they stand by, feeling invisible and devalued.  The adopted kids HATE the usual comments—“they are so LUCKY,”  or “aren’t you people just wonderful for taking in those orphans!”  (and resent their parents need to have others congratulate them for being magnanimous, as though they are a burden their parents took on), or “they are so cute!” (as though the children are Precious Objects of Desire—possessions), or “how much did they cost?” or any of the other, common questions that follow.  “Where are they from?” (as though they do not belong here and perhaps, ought not to have been brought here, and should be returned). 

      I encourage parents to advocate all they want to for adoption, and educate the public too, but NOT at their children’s expense—which is what that is, when we answer questions in public.  Find ways to volunteer, or provide information to educators, or write—when your children are NOT in tow and have to hear/see all of that.  THEY just want to be regarded and treated as any other family, any other set of siblings.  They are NOT altruistic—they are not capable of that at a young age (so that they would be more concerned about waiting children than about their own sense of self worth and dignity), and instead, just want to fly under others’ radar. I think we have to remember that it was OUR choice, and not theirs, to build/expand our families via adoption, and ESPECIALLY to adopt transracially so that their adoptions are conspicuous.  They have plenty on their plates to figure out and assimilate as they grow up.  This kind of unwanted attention is avoidable, and is our responsibility to deflect, as quickly and skillfully as possible.

I read the comment from the person who encouraged others to use those incidents when others ask questions in public to educate about adoption and be an advocate for children.  While I support the intent, I would urge you/us to be more concerned about the IMPACT—the impact on one’s children.  One of the most fervent pleas I received from adopted children AND their non-adopted siblings is to dissuade their parents from doing this.  Why?  It makes them ALL feel as though they are Objects of Show and Tell—and brings unwanted attention, and assumptions about them, as they stand there watching and listening.  It causes a Great Divide between the adopted and non-adopted kids.  The non-adopted kids resent the special, celebrity-like attention for the kids who were adopted while they stand by, feeling invisible and devalued.  The adopted kids HATE the usual comments—“they are so LUCKY,”  or “aren’t you people just wonderful for taking in those orphans!”  (and resent their parents need to have others congratulate them for being magnanimous, as though they are a burden their parents took on), or “they are so cute!” (as though the children are Precious Objects of Desire—possessions), or “how much did they cost?” or any of the other, common questions that follow.  “Where are they from?” (as though they do not belong here and perhaps, ought not to have been brought here, and should be returned). 

      I encourage parents to advocate all they want to for adoption, and educate the public too, but NOT at their children’s expense—which is what that is, when we answer questions in public.  Find ways to volunteer, or provide information to educators, or write—when your children are NOT in tow and have to hear/see all of that.  THEY just want to be regarded and treated as any other family, any other set of siblings.  They are NOT altruistic—they are not capable of that at a young age (so that they would be more concerned about waiting children than about their own sense of self worth and dignity), and instead, just want to fly under others’ radar. I think we have to remember that it was OUR choice, and not theirs, to build/expand our families via adoption, and ESPECIALLY to adopt transracially so that their adoptions are conspicuous.  They have plenty on their plates to figure out and assimilate as they grow up.  This kind of unwanted attention is avoidable, and is our responsibility to deflect, as quickly and skillfully as possible.

Jane,

Thank you for noting that it is important not to educate in front of a child. I have always disagreed with the notion of educating in front of my daughter- it is not her job to be there to educate an adult about adoption or race. And while I am happy to talk more privately about adoption with someone it is not something I think is appropriate to be discussed in front of her- While I want to advocate for my daughter, I don’t want to make her feel anymore conspicuous than she already might…my concern is about her feelings not the person who is asking intrusive questions.

Last week I was picking up my daughter, age 7, from an afterschool program.  We are white, both are children are black.  While waiting for her, a white girl (about 9) said “they’re adopted right?”  I said “yes”.  My daughter then walked out and as she leaned into me I said, “You know, you could of asked her that question” (meaning earlier, when I was not there, though most likely she already knew).  Afterwards, we talked about it, she shared that it’s hard, she said, “they will think it’s weird,  that I’m brown and my mom and dad are white.” We talked some more about why she may have those thoughts.  I didn’t want to push her on the subject.  Though, I was glad she could tell me that. 

Yes, she did not choose to “adopt us,” though, being white parents, to black children, it is obvious to kids that are getting to know her, as we are not a “colorblind” society, that something is different.  It is those experiences, that reinforce how important it is to have my kids experience relationships, activities and more, with others of all ages and races.  Though, mostly for her to be with others of color, where we (the parents) are the minority, seems to help her feel more comfortable and hopefully, someday (as she matures), will have a strong, healthy, sense of self, and the “...it’s weird,” will lessen. I agree, it is “her story” and I understand this is her dealing with others at her age.  Though, I think it’s possible, for her to someday be ok, maybe even at a younger age, if she chooses, to share about being adopted, and being ok with it.  How powerful, to have a child, be secure enough to share with other children, that she’s ok with it and have the confidence to deal with what comes at her.  I believe, if we as parents, are able to take a breath, stop, and think how we respond to others (though it is an uphill climb, and many times I do not pause), I may be able to say or not say, what could open a door for my daughter or son to be able to share with us.

The “oh, how you have blessed your children…they are so lucky” comments.  I have said, in the past, “we are the ones that have been blessed, I can only hope we can do right by them as parents, that they can look back one day and say, yea, it was alright”!  I know the blessings go both ways, though I find it’s important for others to know, it is not a one-way street about us doing all the blessing!

We have 2 bi-racial children (biological) and two korean children (adopted).  My wife is Korean and I am Caucasian. 

We get some looks but I think it’s more mostly because of the # and age of our kids.. the oldest is 6. 

At least where we live, it’s not a big deal.  It is very diverse and there are lots of bi and multi-racial families around.  If we lived in a less diverse area.. i think it would be more of an issue.

It strikes me, as I read through these posts, that the questions such as “What is he?” or “Where did she come from” have a racist component.  They are asked out of true ignorance.  Personally, I don’t even like it when I have to fill out a form with check boxes for my race.  I usually leave those boxes blank or, if they give me an “other” option to write in, I write “human”.

We adopted my two sons from the same birth mom. They have different birth fathers and are only ten months apart.  My older son is obviously mixed with a gorgeous permanent tan, curly hair, and dark eyes.  My younger son if very pale with blonde hair and blue eyes.  Yet they are biological brothers.  People ask me a lot if they’re really brothers or how can they be brothers.  Based on the comments in this thread and also from the thread “How To Handle Intrusive Questions from Strangers”, I will be working on prepared answers to such questions that won’t have a negative impact on my boys (thanks Jane Brown ).

I would also like to point out that I see rainbow families all the time that are not formed through adoption.  It is becoming more and more common in our society for couples from different ethnic backgrounds to have children together.  My goddaughter has a beautiful rainbow family with all the shades of the human race represented.  I see children all the time with parents or grandparents who look “different” from them.  I expect they get similar questions too.

Coming from a family with members from all over the world, and with a variety of religious and ethnic backgrounds, the concept of race drives me nuts anyway.  I am categorized as white but I don’t call myself white because I’m not.  I have never met a white person.  White is the color of a sheet of paper.  Similarly, I have never met a black person.  Black is the color of a chalk board.  We are all one race, human and one color, brown, with different shades.  So when someone asks me what my son is, my answer will be “human”.  And if I’m particularly ticked off by that question, I may give the questioner a confused look and ask back, “what is yours?”.