I love this one.  I smile and say, he’s from Florida!
We adopted him at four days old.  Clearly they see the love in our family and they either move on or tell us how cute he is, how big his eyes are, etc.
I guess it’s all in how you view their question.  Our son is just under 14 months old now.

The one-size-fits-all answer is “Why do you ask?” A person who really wants to know for a valid reason will clarify. A person who’s just being nosy will get flustered.

How you respond will cue your DD as to how she responds. You have to take it case by case. When Jack was a baby, I got a lot of “Is he yours?” and “Is he mixed?” I just answered “Yes” to both. And if people said, “Mixed babies are the cutest.” I’d just say thanks and leave it at that.

Some people will say something sarcastic, for example, “Is he yours?”, “No, he’s the milkman’s.” (Seriously.) That might be funny to an adult - as in, a flip comment designed to make the other person feel stupid, but can you imagine how a small child would process that? My husband is the King of Sarcasm, and my 5 year old still doesn’t understand it at all. (He’s just beginning to understand why we say, “Well that’s just great” when something breaks, for example.)

So, this is a long-winded answer. I hope it helps a little bit. Sorry!

I’m so glad you brought this up.  I’ve had a spate of socially awkward questions lately.  Usually when a stranger approaches and starts asking intrusive questions I smile pleasantly and reply with short answers and what (I hope) is a tone that shuts down the conversation without being rude.  This usually works.

A few weeks ago I had someone who just kept asking questions, though - where is his mother? (oh, it’s you?) where is he from?  he’s adopted right? how long did you wait? how long have you had him? and (my favorite) adoption is expensive, right?  I kept replying with very short answers and lack of eye contact but he wasn’t getting the picture - I think it was more social awkwardness than anything else, but it was a strange dynamic.  I was with a friend and she kept entertaining my son and gently moving us away from the guy asking the questions, which did end the conversation.  In the future I will add “walking away” to my arsenal!  Especially when you’re with your child you can say, “C’mon, son, let’s go run that errand now.”

My older son is 2 and is very aware of what’s going on around him.  At bedtime I asked him if he thought it was weird that a stranger was asking us questions about how we became a family.  To which he replied, “Juice!”  But it’s a tactic I’ll keep using with both of my children as they get older - I want them to know they can talk about anything with us. 

I also decided long ago that while I don’t want to be rude to people who are generally just being clueless, I don’t owe anyone an explanation ever of how we became a family.  I want my children to know that they always have a choice about what they reveal (or don’t) about their lives and to whom. 

That’s the plan, at least, although no doubt there will always be situations where I’ll think later, “oh, I should have said/done that!”  But that’s life.

First, I think we have to expect ignorant questions.  We often take for granted how much we know about adoption and many folks are just curious and their ignorance makes them sound ridiculous.

I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to further expose people to adoption in a positive light.  Our exasperated responses to others’ ignorance is giving us a bad rap as overly sensitive, crazy parents.

I do love CASE’s W.I.S.E. up acronym too.  It gives you 4 choices/levels of responses.

W=walk away
I=It’s private
S=Share part of your story
E=Educate

I saw the above example too and have trained my older children all about WISE.  It has given them the tools to help others understand that my daughter is fully their sister and part of our family since she was born.

The best answer to most everyone is “Why do you ask?” I used to think I had to be an ambassador for adoption to EVERYONE but now feel out where the questions are coming from.  Most often I answer all questions with “I don’t tell my daughter’s personal story because I am going to wait until she gets older for her to share her specific story but if you want to know about adoption I would be happy to talk.”  It is best to protect your child from someone who may know someone in school etc and could share her story before she is ready to get all the facts.

I agree with Susan an Misslissa. Most people that ask questions are just trying to be nice. It’s not a whole different than asking someone whow is carrying an an infant, “how old is your baby?”. I know that I’ve asked that a million times myself! The most often question I’m asked is “where are they from?” I usually just answer, “Ohio”, and that stops the questions. If your child is old enough to understand that the questions are about his story, then I agree you shouldn’t say more. Susan’s approach makes sense - I’m going to try that next time.

I like the WISE acronym.  I am going to tell my kids about that tonight! 
My least favorite question is one we get all the time…“Are they REAL sisters?”  None of our 4 girls are biologically related to each other and they are 3 different races!  Another question I get about my two same age girls is “Are they twins?”  One is Asian and one is caucasian!  When I answer that no, they are 2 months apart in age I see the wheels turning in people’s heads and they rarely figure it out, so now I add that they were adopted.
Usually, I try to educate with my answers…I do not feel comfortable with the “Why do you ask?” because I do not like to watch people squirm even if they deserve it!  Most people just don’t have a clear understanding of adoption and all it entails and are at least trying to figure it out.

Thanks everyone for all the advice.  I think I will try several of these techniques and try to not let it bother me.  I know rredhead is right…..how I react will determine how my daughter feels about it when she is older.  And how my 11 yr old son reacts to questions from his friends. 

Thanks again!  :0)

We have had a lot of problems with this since we brought our daughter home after birth.  She was a very small baby, so we thought it would stop once that attraction of a “tiny” baby wore off….it hasn’t.  At first I felt the need to educate everyone who asked any sort of question, that ended one day when I just started sobbing trying to get through home depot and couldn’t because everyone was asking questions.  Now I feel people out more, I don’t want to turn anyone off if they are truly interested in adoption or are looking for support themselves.  I can honestly say I have to patience for the nosey questions any more.

My son is now almost 2 and I have noticed that as he has aged, the questions from strangers aren’t quite as intrusive as when he was in his first year of life. I think some of the change is because my son seems more like a little individual now (walking, communicating…) than when he was a cute, little, seemingly non-communicative ball of pudge. He’s not as passive as he once was, so I think strangers sort of get that it is ruder to talk about him right in front of his face than they did when he was younger. I also think I have gotten better at not paying attention to strangers who seem ready to engage me in conversation. I still notice when someone is looking at us of course, but I move around them with more purpose and try hard not to do the polite ‘yes I know you are looking at me because we look different’ smile. It is also quite possible that we simply go to the same places over and over and people have seen us enough that we are not really a novelty anymore.

When my son was in his first year we got all sorts of questions….what did we know about his bio mom?, where is he from?, when did we ‘get him?’, was his bio mom young?, How much does adoption cost?, Are you his mom?. Now the only questions are in regards to where our son came from and how long he has been with us. Still intrusive questions, but so much better than what we used to get!

When my children were younger we received questions all the time.  It seems to have faded as they have aged.  I usually answer a bit sarcastically.  I would always get the “Where’s he from” question. To which I liked to answer…“Kmart, the blue light special.” 

I have just started a blog and wrote 2 posts about this exact issue.  If you want to check it out…lots of ideas for sassy responses:
http://thrivingdespiteus.blogspot.com
The two posts that talk about this are “Stupid is As Stupid Does.” and a “Tale of Two Hineys.

However you answer just be sure you are setting an example that you’re comfortable with for your children.  Good luck!

Kate

We are currently waiting to welcome our fourth child from Russia.

We have three biological children who are very close together (all 15 months apart). I know that these types of questions are not just specific to adoption situations. 

We my girls where little and I was pregnant with my son, I would often come home crying because I could not get through Walmart without people stopping me to tell me how cute my girls were, or how much I had my hands full, or to instruct me on what to do when they were crying…or my favorite was “You do know what causes that.” Seriously, some times it would take me an extra hour to get through the store. Even now that they are older, the comments haven’t stopped they have just changed.

I think that it is mostly just people who fill the need to comment or supply input or understand something that they do not see everyday. So I guess I just want to encourage you to not take it personally or see it as an attack on adoption or that rude and unwanted comments are only given to people with adopted or ethnically diverse children. I think that it is a part of life.

Sorry that I have not had opportunity to read all the threads…But here’s what I do - I beat them to it!  I introduce my son (who is a 12 year old black boy; I am a 54 year old white woman) as “my son through foster care adoption”.  I put the emphasis on MY SON and they listen to the rest.  He’s aware that people wonder how we are connected.  And it quickly puts the matter to rest and we move on with what is happening.

I facilitate workshop sessions for/with children who are adopted (often, transracially), and their non-adopted siblings.  Because this is a frequent topic of conversation in the groups—one that the CHILDREN initiate regardless of age (I work with kids five through sixteen, and always have adult adoptee volunteers who participate too)—I thought I would share about what THEIR experiences tend to be. By the way, the non-adopted kids are just as affected by their sibling being the target of questions as they often stand aside feeling like the “vanilla kids’ whom no one is interested in. They also feel sympathy for their siblings who are being spotlighted, because they sense/know that they are uncomfortable.

    The vast majority of the children express the wish that their parents would try to see the situations from their point of view, and respond accordingly, rather than focus on what makes them comfortable or uncomfortable or be primarily concerned about whether they are teaching the stranger.  Many bluntly say: “I don’t want to be the Show and Tell Object whom my parents use to educate others.  I also wish my parents would put my needs first, and worry less about whether the stranger is made to feel embarrassed or upset.”

    A possible response that the children tend to favor is: ” I think you are trying to learn where he was born, rather than where he and we are “from.”  I’ll answer that question, however, I should tell you that we do not give personal information about members of our family to outsiders.  Our children and we are not comfortable with that.  Thank you in advance for your understanding of that.”  To them, it is direct, it doesn’t duck the issue, it keeps the focus on the family rather than them individually, and it protects them from additional, usually more intrusive questions and rude comments. 
—Jane A. Brown, MSW

I perceive wisdom and sensitivity in Jane Brown’s comment.  And yet I think that as much as we/adoptive parents might like the world to be “color blind” it is not.  I’ve told some friends that it wouldn’t matter if my son was purple, I would love him for who he is. 

However, we live in a world where appearances matter.  And I don’t need to educate everyone who we encounter, but if I introduce him as my son (without explanation) sometimes we run in to some puzzled looks.  I’m old enough to be his grandmother = number 1, we are different races = number 2.

Personally I think that being honest about your relationship is the best way to deal with it.  Why be ashamed of what is?  We have friends who are both Indian - the mother adopted the child from her home country, India.  They look enough alike that no one asks and yet the mom never publicly addresses that this child is adopted.  It’s almost a point of shame for the mom.  We know of it because we are their friends. 

I think adoption can be celebrated; these children were chosen.  Hard for me to put in to words, I guess!

My daughter (who is 5) is Haitian by birth, whereas I am a Caucasian Canadian women in my late 30’s. We live in a small city that is not very ethnically diverse. Usually both she and I are very open about her adoption, the fact that she is adopted and Haitian, not her specific story.  I had an interesting experience recently.  Usually, I get the same comments, questions as have been discussed here.  I volunteer with the gymnastics program at our local Y that my daughter participates in.  Since Christmas there has been a very active little boy who joined our class.  He comes with his Grandma.  I have talked to Grandma about his behavior several times. My daughter and I were recently leaving the Y with this little boy and his Grandma.  She asked me if I looked after Sabrina every Saturday.  I was so surprised by that question.  I said that since she is my daughter, I looked after her all the time.  I just assumed that this women would see that she is my daughter.  It took me by surprise.

I’ve been the ambassador too much lately.  I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve tried educating.  Truth is, I’ve given the benefit of the doubt to some people who are just plain nosy!  This week a cashier asked my two year old where she got her curls.  My darling child said, “mommy”.  I am the one who styles her hair everyday, so it was a smart answer.  The lady laughed and looked at me like, yeah right!  I explained that I did the curls and that was what my two year old thought she was asking.  I was not nice in my tone so she got the picture.  I decided though that I’ll just start to say, “that’s inappropriate! or “that’s nosy!” when I feel like someone is just being rude.  we shouldn’t have to feel like we have to ever justify ourselves and I don’t want my daughter to always feel that way.

Thank you, Jane. I agree that the focus should be on our children. This is not about us our about the stranger. Despite what we might think about being ambassaors, educators, whatever, this is not about us. I think we should listen very carefully to what our children say /do in these situations. And listen to older adoptees like those Jane works with.

I love all these answers!  As for me,  being in this world for 19 years now, I think I may have heard it all…then something new happens.  We have not only a transracial, but also special needs family that is large in the view of many.  We’ve gotten everything from ,“what group home are you with” to “where are they from” and everything in between.  I have found over the years that some people ask because they have a friend or family member in a similar situation and others ask because they are appauled that we would make such a decision to get “stuck” with all these kids. 
I always start with, “Why do you ask” and that usually weeds out the genuine people from those who are nosey or ignorant.
I’m long past trying to educate everyone but I will definitely answer genuine questions from people truly seeking information that is not personal about my children.

I have to start by saying THANK YOU for posting this topic.  We are a caucasian family waiting to adopt a sibling pair from Ghana, West Africa, and I am eagerly reading everything I can to prepare myself for the kinds of social circumstances we’ll encounter once they’re home with us.

That said, I have to agree with Rasbebe…this issue is not exclusive to adoptive or transracial families.  My husband & I have been married for nearly 12 years.  Our daughters are both genetic offspring of the same two parents and when my girls were 4 years (blonde, blue eyes) & 3 months (brunette, brown eyes) respectively, a person stopped me in the mall and asked “Oh, different dads?”  Seriously!!!!  People are just clueless.