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I am 32 and have always known I want to adopt.  I also wanted to have a husband to adopt with.  This has not been an easy task.  So far, no guy is willing to go on the adoption journey with me.  No matter how much they say they love me they refuse to consider the idea of adoption.  In fact most are repelled by the idea that I want children through adoption.  Ultimately the relationships end and I’m left single with the dream to adopt.  I would love to share this dream with a husband, but I think I have better odds at winning the lottery.  Having this dream and passion makes dating 10 times harder.  It’s trying to find that speck of gold on the neddle in the haystack.  Why are people so reluctant to adopt?  I am determined to adopt even if it means doing it alone.  I am willing to give up my dream of marriage, but not my dream to adopt.  I will have my dream family!

Replies

I was/am in a similar situation. I have always had a strong desire to be a mother. I have never hidden this from any of the guys I dated. This summer, I turned 41 and was still single. I decided that, while I can’t arrange a wedding and force a guy to be there, there are steps I can take to become a mother without one. Would this be easier with a partner? Yes. Do I worry that, because I am single, expectant parents will not choose me? Yes. Do I worry about the logistics and struggles of being a single parent? Yes. However, I have an amazing support system made up of my parents and friends and, while I can imagine my life without a husband (not that it’s what I want to have happen), I cannot imagine my life without a child. Stay firm in your belief. You are the only person who knows your heart’s desires. (And I can tell you from experience—once you start down the adoption road, dating will definitely take a back seat. I am currently waiting for a referral/match and truly can’t think of much other than my future baby:) )

Posted by Singlmama2b on Jan 03, 2013 at 11:42am

Im sorry all the men you meet are such jerks. A good man is really hard to find.  My husband has a twin brother, and I don’t even consider HIM marriage material.  I dont know why some men have this weird thing about adoption.  Maybe its an ego thing - Ive heard several say that they want a son of “their own” to pass their name to. *rolling eyes* Don’t give up your dream of adopting for any man.  They’re not worth it, and later you will resent him for it.  But don’t give up hope.  My husband, though not perfect by any means, never gave me a second’s hesitation when we talked about kids and adoption, and entered adoption whole-heartedly when it was time.

Posted by housefrau on Jan 03, 2013 at 10:19pm

I’m a little late on this thread, but just wanted to encourage you to stay true to yourself.  I got divorced at 32 and resolved to never “settle” for another guy, even if it meant being single for the rest of my life.  I got remarried at 35 and now, at 40,  have a 4 and 2 year old, both adopted at birth.  I told my future husband on our 3rd date about my infertility so that he could bail if he wasn’t cool with adoption.  He apparently liked me enough to get past any hang ups he may have had about adoption smile  Point being, good guys are out there, even if they are hard to find.  I agree with the above poster.  If you compromise your dreams you may end up resentful later.  You are young and have plenty of time to create your dream.  You may look back on this post in 5 years and smile when you find yourself married (or not) with kids.  Just don’t settle!

Posted by be the change on Jan 07, 2013 at 7:35am

Adoption was always my plan, so finding someone who would not only ‘go along with it’ but be willing to jump in fully was very important.

Very shortly after my husband and I started dating, we we went to a local museum. They had an exhibit on population growth, with a large map of the world that changed to show the changes in the worlds population, both past and the predicted future. While we were standing there he basically said “This is why I believe in having no more than two children… “

Neither of us are from large families (he is one of two kids, I am one of three) but I always imagined I’d have a larger family via adoption and I knew this was my chance to ‘test the waters’ on the topic, so I turned and said “Well, what about adoption? ...I’ve always said for any child I have biologically I want to adopt at least one child. Would you be okay with a bigger family then?” and without hesitation he said yes. I knew he was ‘the one’

Adoption came up casually in conversation many times after that, I’d throw it in every once in a while to keep it in his mind but we were not even engaged so it was never a very serious conversation.

Fast three years and we get engaged ... the very next night I turned to him and say “So we can start talking more seriously about adoption now?!” and he said we could.

Don’t give up your dream of adoption. No guy is ‘the one’ for you if you do not have the same exception of your future together.

Posted by toinfinityandbiond on Nov 21, 2013 at 9:45pm

Not sure if there are any male replies to this one, but for me (47, male) and single all the way, I did put a large emphasis on career, then had the opportunity to work and live in the US, and then settled down permanently in the US.

While so far I’d still like to be married (and have bio-kids too), a couple of years ago I would see a show called Wednesday’s Child on the TV, and I just thought to myself: “You know, I’d like to give a child a home and a family.” And I went ahead and did the courses in order to adopt through the state.

Last year a little boy was placed with me, and things are getting so much better now. Sure he has lots of problems, and there are days when I just don’t know which way to turn, but we get over the problems, and we have a good support network around us. He is bonding much better now with family overseas, and neighbors and my friends. I am in the process of applying for my parents to come live with us (can you imagine a wife moving in with these in-laws :-0 )  so it would be easier for us once granny and grandpa are here.

Of course my little angel tells me that I can’t have a girlfriend, and sometimes says that if I get a girlfriend he will jump in the bed and kick her out (visual), so he is becoming a little possessive :-0 . But I certainly would teach him to share papa.

But if the Lord means for things to happen a certain way then so be it. Will I adopt again - very likely; will I marry - hopeful still. Just need to get my little angel more settled first.

Never thought my life would turn out this way, but I am loving the trip so far.

Posted by SD on Jan 11, 2014 at 1:02am

I met online with my partner, marriage is not an interest for either of us but would have been an option if the other wanted it.  We spelled out our desire for children and rapidly closing biological window, we are both mid-30’s, adoption was always a likelihood and talked about daily. 

I will say that there is probably someone out there for you, and I suggest further using online measures to find them.  I find that a positive attitude expressed in that arena usually attracts attention, and being honest usually gets their interest.

Good Luck.

Posted by IsaactheDad on Apr 06, 2015 at 11:00pm

Nataliavidin…

The phone # you provide is a Mass area code, your profile says you live in Iowa - heck of a long way to go to church every week…

Not to mention that you’ve literally posted non stop the same message over and over…

Hopefully, the mods check it out, doesn’t seem right at all.

Posted by Toa on Dec 18, 2016 at 11:38pm

Same! I’m just now coming around to deciding YES, I want to adopt, and I think it will be hard to find men on that same page. I think culturally they just want “their” kids or they can’t love them, though, plenty of deadbeat bio dads (even ones who are married but can’t be bothered), so I’m looking for a man who IS willing to be there for it! Step up! Never give up hope that the right person is out there!

Posted by elmdi on Apr 22, 2020 at 1:51pm

As an FFY, I’m honestly curious why you want to adopt as an important part of your life. Are you committed to caring for a child who otherwise would not have care? Are you hoping to do DIA adoption for an infant whose family is unable to care for the child? What are you looking for? Why is adopting another woman’s child something you are dedicated to doing? In your profile you say you want to go through the challenges you know your adopted child will go through.
But why?

Posted by NoraT on May 03, 2020 at 3:44am

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