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Connecting in person with BF


Hello—- this is my first post here. I am an adoptive mother to an 11 year old boy. We adopted him domestically at birth. My son has recently asked to meet his BF. Our adoption is “open”, but we have had little to no contact with either birth parent aside from holiday cards. I have spoken with BF many years ago now and we have only been in touch with holiday cards since then. I have his current email and am planning to send a note asking him if he would be interested in meeting his birth son.
I would love advice on wording this email. What to say and what not to say?
Also, what type of meeting should I suggest. I am thinking something where we are all not sitting at a restaurant staring at each other in uncomfortable moments of silence.
Anyhow, any and all advice this community has is appreciated.

Thank you,
Rebecca

Replies

I would be sure to tell him that your son, now 11, is right on track asking about birth parents. Children adopted as infants normally start having issues at age 8-12.

Tell him what you want, to meet him and take some pictures. Perhaps he could share a picture of himself at age 11 or so.

You probably have more info re open adoption than he does. Give him some control by asking where he would like to meet. He might be more comfortable in a park, fast food place or restaurant.It will be uncomfortable and it may make him feel better if you just say I know this is awkward and I know we both want whatever is best for him.

He may be in a different relationship, have other children (do you want pictures of your son’s half sibs?) He may want to include a wife or significant other. HArd to know since you really don’t have a relationship.

Does your son have questions he wants to ask? Help him make a list and maybe pre send to birth dad so he is not surprised.

You didn’t mention. Is there an adoptive dad? Where is he in this? He would be there also I assume if there is one.

Good luck

Posted by Regina on Feb 13, 2018 at 2:16am

Rebecca,
My son is almost 8. We have a “wide open” adoption with his birthmother, but I’m curious to see when he will show more interest in his birth father (who lives out of state).

My advice is to err on the side of kindness, be honest, and be yourself. I think adoptive parents carry such heavy concern because they are so appreciative and don’t want to offend birth families, but in my experience, we worry too much. Regina is right. This is all normal and healthy. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Posted by Jody Cantrell Dyer on Feb 13, 2018 at 12:05pm

Regina and Jody,

Thank you. Yes, there is an adoptive father, my husband smile He is totally on board and would be there too.

I will take these suggestions and compose the email.

Thank you,
Rebecca

Posted by Mathmom2016 on Feb 15, 2018 at 7:02pm

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